I wish I could try Xanax or similar

[trying ungracefully]

I saw someone describe the feeling as a warm hug before you fall asleep. It's feel so emotionally alone and I just want it to stop. I took 1500mg of gabapentin and 100mg of seroquel because it's all I have to try and sleep and it's not working and didn't even work for anxiety. Everyday feels hopeless and I just want that warm hug before sleep.

I have weed but that's not working either and it hasn't worked for the longest time because my tolerance is so high and I can't take a break because it's the one thing that gives me at least a bit of relief from life. I am just so tired everyday even though I am not physically tired. Weed definitely became a gate way drug for me but I have no means of getting the drug so that's that lol. It really sucks.

I just wish it was the next day, the next day, and the next day. Everyday I have a visual representation of how I let the days pass by my laundry building up to the point I haven't done it in a month just because I hoard clothes just so I don't have to wash them. It's already the 24th and I have done nothing this whole month except feel like shit.

I'm cutting more and more and it's not bad because it is only one at a time but I don't want to be doing it. I try and fight it off but the feeling overpowers me and all of a sudden I am walking to get bandaids and taking out my blade. And it makes me feel so calm. I'll be sobbing but the process just calms me down and I stop crying and I feel in control, that's the whole point. I hate it though because I am not really in control when I don't want to be doing it.

When is life every going to get better lol. I thought I was doing good but then reality hit again and it is this way again. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about medication changes but I don't think it can fix everything, maybe I can get her to over prescribe and get me like a zombie so I don't have to be a person. Looking back I hated but loved being a zombie, everything didn't matter.

 

[Solaria]

When we're in pain it feels like nothing can make it better and it sucks. Are you in therapy? I found the combination of therapy + meds helped more than either of those things alone.

Are there other things that give you the warm hug feeling like movies, books etc? I myself am currently using two things: a mental health chatbot app called Ash, which I've actually found quite helpful. And a meditation app called Insight Timer that has audios like meditation and music. I chat with Ash to process some stuff before sleep. I also chat with Ash when I'm spiraling and thinking of doing something to harm myself.

Then I put on an audio on Insight Timer because the audio drowns out the noise in my head so I can actually fall asleep. I do sometimes take a sleeping pill from the doctor, but I don't wanna get hooked on them so I try to use the apps more.

If you think the meds are not working well enough it's definitely worth talking to the psychiatrist rather than trying to self medicate with weed or whatever. They get paid to help you, so use their help and make the most of your appointment with them.

As for laundry, I haven't done any in MONTHS so you're still ahead of me, please don't beat yourself up over it. The emotional isolation is so hard and most people don't seem to understand what it takes to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone do anything else. But as you can see from this forum, there are many of us who are struggling with similar stuff.

 

[trying ungracefully]

re you in therapy? I found the combination of therapy + meds helped more than either of those things alone.

I'm in therapy but it's not my therapist I'm used to anymore because she is on maternity leave so it's a bit harder with someone else. She also doesn't allow texts like my therapist did so I'm not used to the last resort support of my therapist. I'm seeing my psychiatrist today though to see if I can get medication adjustments but I don't know if that will help.

Are there other things that give you the warm hug feeling like movies, books etc? I myself am currently using two things: a mental health chatbot app called Ash,

It's hard. I like to crochet as a hobby and distraction but I can't deal with my project right now so that has been on pause, I did start watching the Harry Potter series again so I can curl up and just zone out in a good way. Sometimes I do want to talk to chat bots for comfort but I have been through psychosis and when I tried AI for stuff other than information it becomes a slipper slope lol.

Thank you <3

 

[Solaria]

I'm in therapy but it's not my therapist I'm used to anymore because she is on maternity leave so it's a bit harder with someone else. She also doesn't allow texts like my therapist did so I'm not used to the last resort support of my therapist. I'm seeing my psychiatrist today though to see if I can get medication adjustments but I don't know if that will help.


It's hard. I like to crochet as a hobby and distraction but I can't deal with my project right now so that has been on pause, I did start watching the Harry Potter series again so I can curl up and just zone out in a good way. Sometimes I do want to talk to chat bots for comfort but I have been through psychosis and when I tried AI for stuff other than information it becomes a slipper slope lol.

Thank you <3

Ugh it's hard when you have to see a different therapist, the relationship is just different. And I can see why chatbots might not be a great fit for you if you've had psychosis before. I do find creative hobbies where I make, create or produce something tend to be better than the ones where I just passively consume stuff. For me that turned into dissociation so it was more like numbing than soothing. I tried crochet once and learned I didn't have the patience lol I admire those who actually manage to make something (I never got beyond a granny square). Whatever works for you, works for you. I hope you find something that helps you through this.