Venting I wish I could OD tonight

[Hydrokhoos]

I have my SN kit prepared and ready to go. Plenty of benzos I've stocked up over the past few months, lurasidone I've been taking as my AE, and propranolol. I've placed three separate orders for SN and I'm just waiting for it to come in, the soonest one was supposed to be today but looks like it won't be until next week.

I've read enough on this site to know that ODing on benzos isn't the way to go, despite a bottle of wine and wishful thinking. I'm just so tired of this life. The abuse. Not having a safe place to go. Letting someone drag me down to the point that I'm not sure if I can pull myself back up. I can't have a circular or shifting goal posts conservation again.

I'm bipolar I and have ADHD and struggle with just the littlest things. Suicidal thoughts have occured on a near daily basis since I was 10 (outside of manic episodes) and recently they've become more and more overpowering. The abuse. The regret. The mental illness. Losing a promising career. Losing a safe space. I cried in a parking lot for hours today because I had no where else to go, after having to drop off the sweetest 11 year old cat at the humane society after their owner passed away. I so desparetely wanted to keep him but I just couldnt give him the love and happy home he needed with my unstable and abusive living situation.

I wish I could down this bottle of benzos right now and that it would work. I can't wait for the SN to arrive. I wish I hadn't thrown away the L*******f brand I purchased years ago after the same abusive partner forced me to. I wish it'd be tonight.

 

[Teenytiny]

Where did you get your s n I can't find it anywhere

 

[waitingforrest]

I'm so sorry about the cat. Cats are truly the sweetest things in the universe, not one has ever hurt or used me. I really hope you will be okay, having no place to go to is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

It's really hard to not try to attempt when everything feels pointless. Just please try to hold on a bit until the SN comes, I don't want you to fail on overdosing and go into a coma or die a painful slow death.

 

[Gordy99]

I wish I could OD on my medication (benzo and anti-psychotic). I have plenty of it stashed away but it's apparently not a good method. I hope you feel better or at least wait until the SN arrives.

 

[Hydrokhoos]

Where did you get your s n I can't find it anywhere

PM me, I'll share what I can.

I'm so sorry about the cat. Cats are truly the sweetest things in the universe, not one has ever hurt or used me. I really hope you will be okay, having no place to go to is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

It's really hard to not try to attempt when everything feels pointless. Just please try to hold on a bit until the SN comes, I don't want you to fail on overdosing and go into a coma or die a painful slow death.

Thank you for your kind words I was already struggling but the cat is the thing that broke me today. Everyone else involved just wanted to shoot the cat because no one could be bothered to fill out an intake form with the humane society of other shelters or make a social media post. I'm not sure what would've happened if I hadn't stepped in and I just don't understand people like that. The cat was so sweet, they just thought he was useless because he was terrified in a new house with a newborn baby and a 2 year old hyperactive dog. The cat loved me the second I showed it some love and affection. People are terrible.

I wish I could OD on my medication (benzo and anti-psychotic). I have plenty of it stashed away but it's apparently not a good method. I hope you feel better or at least wait until the SN arrives.

Same. Benzos and anti psychotics (my lasuridone) just don't seem to be enough. I can't wait for the SN to get here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know that it can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. I understand that it can be very dreadful when things get worse. I wish you the best in whatever happens.