Venting I wish I could just find a guy to love me

[kohaku]

I could go on for hours about my problems but I'm so tired of explaining them all by now. But basically, I'm 18, and a gay trans guy, and I already want to die. Transitioning costs money and my last doctor treated me like shit after a year of appointments and I had to drop him before I even got any hormones prescribed. I left his office crying. Not to mention it's so hard to find someone who isn't just respectful of my identity, but also understands. I (most likely) have a personality disorder. I'm not able to hold relationships for longer than a year or two at most. They always fall apart. And that's online. IRL, I'm a fucking social outcast. I also live in Poland, so it's even harder now to find a guy who knows English as fluently as I do, considering basically everything I read and do is in English. I'm a virgin and I don't want to lose my virginity to a man who treats me like shit, because I look like a girl and that way I get so many goddamn creeps.

I'm so lonely. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born trans & gay because finding love would be so much easier if I was just a straight girl. I want attention but I feel so worthless. I almost want to try meeting someone through here, I'm ready to throw away my life and maybe I can die together with someone who knows how it feels to live in emotional agony. I'm upset that the partner thread got temporarily shut down because the cops just don't want to let us fucking die.

 

[Alchemist]

Being unloved is the usual around here regardless of gender so I feel what you mean.

 

[Quiet_Sandwich]

Man, that's really rough. Life really enjoys going an extra mile just to fuck us over sometimes. It really is that extra little bit of having to enter adulthood, facing issues that 99% of people won't even have to think about.

IRL, I'm a fucking social outcast. I also live in Poland, so it's even harder now to find a guy who knows English as fluently as I do, considering basically everything I read and do is in English.

That's quite funny actually, I could say the exact same thing. Whenever I read or watch something, whenever I speak with someone - it's almost exclusively in English. It's kind of embarassing really, I use Polish language so infrequently that I often can't even recall basic words, as if I was living abroad my whole life, but no, I live in the middle of the goddamn country and the furthest I've travelled was to buy some knedliki from our southern neighbours. It's ridiculous.

I'm not really surprised to hear about the crap doctor to be honest. Being a sickly little shit, I had more than enough encounters with the so-called "professionals" and this kind of approach seems to be more of a rule, rather than the exception. And don't even get me started on how shitty the NFZ is.
Still, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you had to go through this. What a fucking asshole.
Also, sucks about the kind of "admirers" you seem to be attracting. Sounds like they're not getting very lucky in their pursuits though, so that's definitely an upside.

This might not help with the loneliness too much, but I'm sending tons of hugs your way . Hopefully things will take a turn for the better!

 

[kohaku]

Man, that's really rough. Life really enjoys going an extra mile just to fuck us over sometimes. It really is that extra little bit of having to enter adulthood, facing issues that 99% of people won't even have to think about.


That's quite funny actually, I could say the exact same thing. Whenever I read or watch something, whenever I speak with someone - it's almost exclusively in English. It's kind of embarassing really, I use Polish language so infrequently that I often can't even recall basic words, as if I was living abroad my whole life, but no, I live in the middle of the goddamn country and the furthest I've travelled was to buy some knedliki from our southern neighbours. It's ridiculous.

I'm not really surprised to hear about the crap doctor to be honest. Being a sickly little shit, I had more than enough encounters with the so-called "professionals" and this kind of approach seems to be more of a rule, rather than the exception. And don't even get me started on how shitty the NFZ is.
Still, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you had to go through this. What a fucking asshole.
Also, sucks about the kind of "admirers" you seem to be attracting. Sounds like they're not getting very lucky in their pursuits though, so that's definitely an upside.

This might not help with the loneliness too much, but I'm sending tons of hugs your way . Hopefully things will take a turn for the better!

Thank you. I'm glad someone can relate to this extent. My polish knowledge is only helped by my parents and my only ""friends"" are people from the psych ward who I'm too spooked by to meet, not to mention the lack of English knowledge and just generally incompatible personalities... And the fact that I'm just too goddamn depressed to even go out and meet them.

Yeah, the NFZ is trash. Recently I had an experience with an NFZ psychiatrist who told me to sign up for tests and sent me away without even helping me because she "didn't know me well enough". Somehow, not knowing the patient hasn't stopped private psychiatrists, has it? Ridiculous. She didn't even give me my prescription and my mother had to go back to argue with her for it.

 

[Quiet_Sandwich]

That's understandable. I'm not too well in the head either, but I don't think psych ward is where I'd go to make friends. Honestly, semi-decent English seems to be a rarity even amongst the "normies" anyway and I've no idea why that is. I guess shitty teachers aren't helping in this regard. I still remember a teacher I had in gimnazjum, double checking the dictionary to make sure he spelled the subject right. Yup, a true fountain of knowledge.
I've never looked at the ward as a place I'd like to be in anyway, but after the news on what's actually happening in those places (like the recent rapes in Gdańsk psych ward) I'm definitely staying the hell out of there.
And yeah, depression's a bitch. I've severe anxiety as well, for extra fun.

Heh, that's because they don't even have to try, since they get the money either way (and wow, what a lame-ass excuse). Few weeks ago I was in a hospital, there was a guy who was obviously after some serious accident. After waiting in the corridor for well over 4 hours, a doctor finally decided to see him and from what I understood, simply referred him to another doctor and was instantly done with the guy, but still wanted him to sign the discharge, so that the hospital could claim the money for providing food and accomodation for the day, he told them to go fuck themselves. Such a broken, garbage system. And considering that's how they approach physical illness, I don't even want to imagine what the fuck happens in the mental health department.

 

[The Mute Viking]

It's definitely a common thing on this forum and even more so, in our circle.

 

[cryptic_cynic]

Sorry to hear about how difficult things are for you. I can relate. The irony is that I live in an area that is pretty accepting of diverse gender identities and orientations, but that doesn't seem to help me at all. I still think I am too different and weird for someone to love, for reasons beyond gender identity.
Socializing is very difficult for me, and I rarely feel I can relate to most people.
Another reason I feel like an outcast is the fact that I live in my car. Many people make negative assumptions about those in that situation, and it just adds to my feelings of loneliness and rejection.
The worst part is knowing that even if I did meet someone who loves me for who I am, that still probably wouldn't change how I feel about life. Especially with how difficult it would be for me to maintain a decent relationship. Then I'd have the burden of guilt to add to everything else.

 

[Maksimka Ai]

I could go on for hours about my problems but I'm so tired of explaining them all by now. But basically, I'm 18, and a gay trans guy, and I already want to die. Transitioning costs money and my last doctor treated me like shit after a year of appointments and I had to drop him before I even got any hormones prescribed. I left his office crying. Not to mention it's so hard to find someone who isn't just respectful of my identity, but also understands. I (most likely) have a personality disorder. I'm not able to hold relationships for longer than a year or two at most. They always fall apart. And that's online. IRL, I'm a fucking social outcast. I also live in Poland, so it's even harder now to find a guy who knows English as fluently as I do, considering basically everything I read and do is in English. I'm a virgin and I don't want to lose my virginity to a man who treats me like shit, because I look like a girl and that way I get so many goddamn creeps.

I'm so lonely. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born trans & gay because finding love would be so much easier if I was just a straight girl. I want attention but I feel so worthless. I almost want to try meeting someone through here, I'm ready to throw away my life and maybe I can die together with someone who knows how it feels to live in emotional agony. I'm upset that the partner thread got temporarily shut down because the cops just don't want to let us fucking die.

Hi, I'm an ordinary guy from Russia, and I am very sorry that you are going through this, I gave my life one last chance, and on August 5, if nothing changes, I fly away to Mexico, for N
Loneliness killing me

 

[Now_And_Then]

I wish I could find a genuine girl who I am attracted to that loves me , but I look , feel and sound terrible

My depression and issues messed me up so bad that I have given up

All I am focusing on now is catching the bus and escaping this evil ridden world

 

[Black_Knight]

Had the same feelings. Don't give up man. When you do those passionate feelings just die and you're left feeling like a fucking waste.

 

[Alchemist]

Guess one of the things that makes us more suicidal is unrequited love, knowing we will never be good enough to anyone no matter what we do. Being an outcast is just the cherry on top.

 

[Alan James]

Some people are born to live alone. But why did everyone decide that this is bad? It's biological programs in human body, needs, instincts + social programming, they can cause great suffering. But you can fight them, use willpower. Perhaps some kind of hobby, passion, some kind of work can help you. Not everyone is born to enter into this relationships, have sex, etc., and this is normal, does not mean that you are inferior and sick. Don't kill yourself only for this reason alone (but it's up only to you to decide).