Venting I wish I could CTB for new years

[toxicjester]

"Toxic you're posting too much!!" Yea well I've had a shitty day and I don't have anyone to talk to ((don't worry this will (probably) be my last post for today, I'm sorry I've been so annoying))

Things have gotten real shitty real quick recently. To the point that I had a fantasy of how I'd kill myself on Tuesday if I had the actual balls and planning to do it.

I got a loan recently to try to consolidate debts together( although it's not much) abd it'd be enough to get a shitty gun. Then on Tuesday since I have work, I'd go into work and since we close right at midnight I'd be there for new years. I'd go into the bathroom a bit before and then right as the clock strikes 12 I'd shoot myself in my work bathroom. Maybe it'd sound like a firework for my coworkers? But probably not

I'm not doing this. My mom helped me with the loan so I'm sure she'd always blame herself. Plus I don't want my coworkers to spend the first hour of the new year calling authorities. My sibling literally left for another state tonight and it'd be shitty to immediately turn around and CTB. Plus dying in a fast food bathroom is just nasty :(

Just fantasy all of this is, but fuck I really don't want to exist now or for a while

I just don't want to be alone

Quiero mi mama

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I feel you. Tomorrow was my planned or desired day too, but then I postponed. Still not sure if postponing was the best thing, and hope I'll be able to secure SN again. All the best to you, you are not alone on here.

 

[toxicjester]

I feel you. Tomorrow was my planned or desired day too, but then I postponed. Still not sure if postponing was the best thing, and hope I'll be able to secure SN again. All the best to you, you are not alone on here.

I appreciate this, and I'm sorry about about your uncertainty. I hope you can acquire it again and plan things on your own pace

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I really hope it gets better for both of you. It's a sh*tty time of year and just a sh*tty time in general. I feel for you both. Hugs.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I really hope it gets better for both of you. It's a sh*tty time of year and just a sh*tty time in general. I feel for you both. Hugs.

Thank you, sh*tty time indeed

 

[kitkat9234]

I was supposed to try to CTB yesterday. I'm too much of a pussy though. I don't have to work until Thursday and won't have my daughter so no one would be looking for me. I'm too chicken to try anything in fear of failure though. My methods are likely to fail and I can't risk being admitted to a psych ward or worse brain dead/paralyzed. So here I am. Trapped. I hate this. I wish there was a magic pill that would make me sleep forever.