Venting I wish i could be in love

[Freedent]

What i'm gonna say i something i never shared with my therapist, because i think it sounds silly. It's pretty intimate, so i'd like you guys to be kind even if it sounds dumb to you. I'd like to take advice, if people here ever fell in love, or just see if other people relate.

Every sexual relationship i've had was somewhat led by coercion, fear or boredom. I don't feel like i can say "no", i don't feel like i can afford to say that. So whenever someone asks me out, to hook up or to date, i just go along with it, even if i'm not into it at all. It usually drags out for a few month and then they fall in love and i leave, because that's scary. Sometimes, it's even me pursuing them, because i look up to them at a certain level, but at the exact moment they become invested, they just become like people who were pursuing me, i feel as indifferent about them as about anybody else.
I had people tell me they would die for me, in tears, begging for me to stay. Honestly i don't even know why people fall in love with me, i think they might have some sort of "savior complex" or whatever, but they seemed sincere. It might be because they can't really get me to love them back and people love challenge. I don't know, honestly, but i'm not fighting against it, i like the attention, i think that make me some time of manipulative bitch and i hate myself for it even more.
And i wish so bad i could love them back.

I wish i could feel that warm feeling when they walk into a room, like it just light up all of the sudden. I wish i was nervous when they'd look at me. I wish i did my best to impress them, i wish i cared about how they view me, how they feel about me. I wish they were the most important thing to me. I wish i had someone i would think about all the time. I wish i would get jealous when they'd talk or fuck someone else. I wish i wanted someone for me, wholly. I wish i had respect, admiration for someone i date. I wish i'd be able to commit to someone. I wish i'd just have that stupid smile on my face when they're sleeping next to me. I've seen people fall in love and i think that's just properly amazing.
Whenever i see even the most mediocre tv show romance i burst into tears because i want to fall in love SO BAD and i feel like i'll never ever get it. I honestly think it might be my only chance to be happy, for some reason, i don't know why i'm so fascinated by that idea. I think about it all the time.

But i don't fall in love, and it's so frustrating. it's just blank. I'm just some sort of parasite, sucking off the life and attention of people who love me. I'm some sort of pit, that all good emotions fall into. Whenever i have sex, i just worry about being good at it so i don't become a bad story, i just perform, but it mostly makes my skin crawl, with both men and women. I get horny, don't get me wrong, but it's still repulsive to me and i'm not sure why, i'm mostly numb during the act.
Sometimes I think i would bother being alive, if i could fall in love with someone.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I can't relate directly, but it reminds me of someone I used to be friends with. For her, she came from an abusive family and in her first ever relationship, she was cheated on. After that, she changed a lot. Started hooking up a lot and flirting with people, but when they tried to pursue her seriously, she broke things off or deflected to avoid any serious commitments. Later, she admitted to me it was a power play. She wanted to be desired, but she was afraid of having her heart broken so it was easier to be the heart breaker and not get invested. I don't know if maybe that might be something along the lines of what you're experiencing?

For my own part, I guess I'm more of the type of person who rushes into things and falls too fast, which comes with it's own problems. But one thing that I found really helpful was learning about relationship psychology. If you're interested in it, I'd recommend looking into two things:
* Adult attachment theory - this basically explains your patterns for how you are in relationships and brings awareness to how you can approach things instead
* Relationship schemas - it's kind of an idea of how people view themselves in relationships at a more subconscious level and how that might lead you to be dissatisfied

YMMV but I found that it helped me immensely in my own romantic life. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to bounce ideas or whatever. Good luck.

 

[Freedent]

can't relate directly, but it reminds me of someone I used to be friends with. For her, she came from an abusive family and in her first ever relationship, she was cheated on. After that, she changed a lot. Started hooking up a lot and flirting with people, but when they tried to pursue her seriously, she broke things off or deflected to avoid any serious commitments. Later, she admitted to me it was a power play. She wanted to be desired, but she was afraid of having her heart broken so it was easier to be the heart breaker and not get invested. I don't know if maybe that might be something along the lines of what you're experiencing?

For my own part, I guess I'm more of the type of person who rushes into things and falls too fast, which comes with it's own problems. But one thing that I found really helpful was learning about relationship psychology. If you're interested in it, I'd recommend looking into two things:
* Adult attachment theory - this basically explains your patterns for how you are in relationships and brings awareness to how you can approach things instead
* Relationship schemas - it's kind of an idea of how people view themselves in relationships at a more subconscious level and how that might lead you to be dissatisfied

YMMV but I found that it helped me immensely in my own romantic life. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to bounce ideas or whatever. Good luck.

Thanks a lot, i'll look into that ! But no, i never got my heart broken, that's the weird thing.

 

[sunny.sativa]

I sat here for so long trying to figure out how to express myself after reading this.

I've never, ever, ever related to something so much in my entire life.
I've tried to explain this to people but couldn't make it as clear as you do. Everyone hits me with shit like,"You have to let people in" or "You have to have an open heart" and like... I feel like I do?

But I also feel like it's just a game for me. I, too, have had people beg to keep me, beg to even have me and I'll give in for a minute but it's... like, I feel powerful? I don't know? Like as soon as they're locked onto me, how I wanted in the first place, I lose as desire and interest and it's onto the next meal.

Sex is bland. "making love" is a fucking stupid phrase. I'm not here to "make love", I'm here to make you cum so you think highly of me and want me.. but just KNOW you'll never have me..

I feel like a bitch but.. damn, I don't know? I'm gonna die, they're gonna die... who cares? Right? :/ life's a game

 

[Freedent]

I sat here for so long trying to figure out how to express myself after reading this.

I've never, ever, ever related to something so much in my entire life.
I've tried to explain this to people but couldn't make it as clear as you do. Everyone hits me with shit like,"You have to let people in" or "You have to have an open heart" and like... I feel like I do?

But I also feel like it's just a game for me. I, too, have had people beg to keep me, beg to even have me and I'll give in for a minute but it's... like, I feel powerful? I don't know? Like as soon as they're locked onto me, how I wanted in the first place, I lose as desire and interest and it's onto the next meal.

Sex is bland. "making love" is a fucking stupid phrase. I'm not here to "make love", I'm here to make you cum so you think highly of me and want me.. but just KNOW you'll never have me..

I feel like a bitch but.. damn, I don't know? I'm gonna die, they're gonna die... who cares? Right? :/ life's a game

It feels nice to have someone going through the same thing, i feel a little less like a garbage can of a human <33

 

[Deleted member 1496]

Sometimes, it's even me pursuing them, because i look up to them at a certain level, but at the exact moment they become invested, they just become like people who were pursuing me, i feel as indifferent about them as about anybody else.

I don't know if this is accurate or applicable, but I read that some people can drop out of attraction to someone who loves them because they also think any person who loves them must be a moron, because they think only a moron would love someone like them.

And even if someone does love them, they don't trust the love because people who were supposed to love them (e.g., family) didn't, so they don't know how to love and bond because they never experienced it growing up.

When I read it, I thought it was interesting food for thought...which you can vomit accordingly. :)