Venting I will never have the balls to die

[Rustysoupcan]

I've begrudgingly accepted that I will never truly be able to kill myself. I've made half ass attempts before, but I cant actually commit. I'm too scared of the feeling of dying. I have never enjoyed life, yet I cant seem to leave. I live alone and have several methods I could use, but I just cant fucking do it. I don't really know what to do now. I've always imagined I would die by suicide, but now I dont think I'll be able to.

 

[idiotstillwantstodie]

I've begrudgingly accepted that I will never truly be able to kill myself. I've made half ass attempts before, but I cant actually commit. I'm too scared of the feeling of dying. I have never enjoyed life, yet I cant seem to leave. I live alone and have several methods I could use, but I just cant fucking do it. I don't really know what to do now. I've always imagined I would die by suicide, but now I dont think I'll be able to.

Just wanting to end things because life sucks is rarely enough, i think. You have to see it as an achievement.

I take no pride in my existence and for me, suicide is the only way of achieving some dignity and self-worth. As long as the method i have in my use is almost painless and guarantees death (N and the like are in my opinion the only methods like this that can be done solo), i don't think i will have a problem once the time comes.

In fact if the time doesn't come when i expect, this wont be a problem either. It just means i have some more meditating to do.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I understand where you are coming from. I exist in the same limbo. I am not however so much frustrated about it anymore. I will just carry on and if it is something that eventually happens on its own then be it. That realization gave me some consistent relief. Now i am just existing but it is ok.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

You have my sympathies. I'm experiencing the same feelings. Which leaves us between one and the other. Limbo.

 

[meetapple]

I echo the feeling of lack of dignity. There is no way to restore the dignity other than curing my illness or lessening my symptoms. I feel like I am complicit in this by continuing to live. But I am just as scared to CTB as you. It feels like my condition will only get worse as I will be forced to leave my cocoon more often.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I know that even if my ctb is delayed that it will eventually happen before "death by natural causes" (a.k.a: becoming a drooling, living corpse that the medical industry keeps alive so family isn't sad).

 

[Bleak]

Same here. I only truly found it out when I had the glass of N in my hand, had taken antiemetics etc, but couldn't bring myself to drink it. For years after that I stopped talking about suicide, and even now I feel like a phony for even posting here. But I don't know where else one can talk about wishing they were dead without being either ignored or bombarded with trite, insincere "help".

 

[Chronicillness]

I can't forfeit that much control over my destiny, ever. So I will never accept the idea that I am incapable of putting my instinct to survive into total submission. I cannot live like this for much longer

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, but of course suicide is very difficult as we are all programmed to survive even know we want to die.I have been suicidal for many years but yet I am still here. I just wish it was easier to leave. Non existence is what I want the most. When I am dead I will be free of all suffering. I understand it is like being trapped not wanting to live, but being unable to die. Such a dreadful position to be in. I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[lonerclown666]

i was like you but then my urges to ctb returned and i will do it for real i just want to stop the pain

 

[Insomniac]

most people on this forum feel like this. people who actually do it are a very small minority even on here.

It takes courage to admit to yourself that you'll probably never do it.

I have failed many attempts but I could never tell myself that. the idea of being stuck here in this body for 60+ more years isn't conceivable.

 

[The_Dreamer]

I know the feeling all too well.

I've begrudgingly accepted that I will never truly be able to kill myself. I've made half ass attempts before, but I cant actually commit. I'm too scared of the feeling of dying. I have never enjoyed life, yet I cant seem to leave. I live alone and have several methods I could use, but I just cant fucking do it. I don't really know what to do now. I've always imagined I would die by suicide, but now I dont think I'll be able to.

I've suffered to the brink of genuine insanity and yet... It feels as though the rock bottoms I've hit have not been low enough for me to conquer my SI. So I'm just stuck in this lazy river of pointless sacrifice just floating along this vicious cycle. Fantasizing about a button I could press to just shut my brain off. One day...

The only solace I could try and offer is the reminder that the one kindness this Life offers us is the guarantee of death, one way or another. We have to endure countless pain and misery to reach that point, but the day you die, whether by your own hand or not, will wipe away all that suffering, pain, and miserable memories you may have. The dreamless sleep we all crave.

That day will come. It is promised to us all.