Venting I will never belong and I can’t take it

[ocdrowsy]

I just turned 20 and I am planning to ctb when I'm able to get SN

I will never belong anywhere.

I have tried to make it work, tried to see value in myself, try to love fully with my whole heart but it always ends up in pain and sorrow. I don't understand how people do it, I understand people who seem put together, social or normal have their own struggles but why do I feel so out of place? The same feeling that has followed me for all of my life, in everything.

I've gone to parties again and again and been ditched and most likely only seen as someone to fill the house up with guests, one of my closest friends just uses me to talk about her boyfriend-not-a-boyfriend so much so she forgot my birthday and just sent me a bunch of messages about what they were getting up to. I've been played multiple times in relationships and it seems like people only want to talk to me when they are high, drunk or bored. People see me as a fool, as an idiot, and not worth their time and they're probably right. Even these things are such petty recent problems but they hurt so much and reinforce the belief I have had my whole life. I just feel so insignificant, even though in the grand scheme of things most of us are, even in my tiny little corner of the world I barely exist.

Even if I accept that I will never be like the people I feel like are doing life 'right'. Everything about myself pisses me off, I get overwhelmed simply being outside, the littlest thing out of place in my routine or the littlest thing that doesn't work out like I imagined, derails my entire emotional state. There is something deeply wrong with me it seems. I don't think I will ever be able to live a decent life in this quick, relentless and bleak world.

It feels like everybody knows something I don't, as if they have cracked a code that I will never have the answer to, it gets frustrating but it's just almost bearable in that I feel a bit of hope that maybe it actually all will make sense in due time. But the absolute fucking sorrow of everything makes trying less and less worth it

I have got so much love to give, it's practically fucking drowning me and I can't get it out because I seem to lack the basics to be a normal human being. I want to give my all, my everything to someone who would accept it as that is all I feel my life has to offer. But nobody even wants that. All I want out of this life is to be loved and feel loved and if I'm so fucked that I can't do either then there is really no point of me living and no joy in life I can seek.

I was so so close to being able to let this love fly, I could feel my heart, I could feel my breath, I felt grounded in the moment, looking into his eyes made me feel like all the struggle was worth it if I meant I could let all this love out to soak and heal but as always it seems like there is something inherently fucking wrong with me, something that everyone seems to see but I'm oblivious to.

Life has always felt so temporary to me, but I don't think I'm meant to be here.

I feel like such a fucking loser and I can't wait to fuck off and maybe that'll be the only time people will actually feel my presence; when it's gone.

 

[Elle]

Hey hey! I'm 20, almost 21. I can relate. You are definitely not a fucking loser as you call yourself. You're suffering and that's ok, you're allowed to feel rubbish, I know you want to CTB and I can't stop you but you're so young, are you really sure this is the only way out? Have you tried any therapy? My pms are always here,

Elle x

 

[carac]

"don't worry, nobody else knows what they are doing either"

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

It kinda hit home for me. I believe for many of us here. I too believe I don't belong. Like I was never meant to be. This used to be so painful to have, but now I'm so used to it….
I'm very sorry you're feeling this way. I know exactly how it feels. Wish things were different for you…. for all of us…… I'm sorry I can't say anything helpful. Just know that you're not alone in this….

 

[ocdrowsy]

Hey hey! I'm 20, almost 21. I can relate. You are definitely not a fucking loser as you call yourself. You're suffering and that's ok, you're allowed to feel rubbish, I know you want to CTB and I can't stop you but you're so young, are you really sure this is the only way out? Have you tried any therapy? My pms are always here,

Elle x

Thank you :) And i hope you have a good bday too!!

It just hurts so much, too much and I don't think i can handle it. I have tried therapy but general talking therapies from NHS feel very cold and it just makes me feel worse, speciality therapy for something like ocd costs tons of money which I can't afford, and apart of me doesn't want to try cause I know it will end in shambles anyways. I'm rambling sorry but thank you, same sentiment here as well :)

It kinda hit home for me. I believe for many of us here. I too believe I don't belong. Like I was never meant to be. This used to be so painful to have, but now I'm so used to it….
I'm very sorry you're feeling this way. I know exactly how it feels. Wish things were different for you…. for all of us…… I'm sorry I can't say anything helpful. Just know that you're not alone in this….

Thank you so much, just telling me you understand is very helpful and makes me feel less alone.

 

[Elle]

Thank you :) And i hope you have a good bday too!!

It just hurts so much, too much and I don't think i can handle it. I have tried therapy but general talking therapies from NHS feel very cold and it just makes me feel worse, speciality therapy for something like ocd costs tons of money which I can't afford, and apart of me doesn't want to try cause I know it will end in shambles anyways. I'm rambling sorry but thank you, same sentiment here as well :)

Thank you so much, just telling me you understand is very helpful and makes me feel less alone.

Hugs, my friend

 

[Mr2005]

Stop trying to get people to like you and people will like you. Not everyone but those worth bothering with

 

[todiefor]

@ocdrowsy I'm sorry you feel so terrible on your 20th birthday, happy birthday! Birthdays are always hard I know.

It sounds like you are surrounded by people who are preoccupied with themselves. Remember those people also have no idea what they are doing, but willing to use others or put others down to fulfil their own needs. And that's horrible. You saying "I have so much love to give" really touched me, that's really beautiful and I don't think those people really deserve your love.

Could you broaden your search for friends and likeminded people? Perhaps a hobby where you can find similarly minded people, or people on line with similar interests? Don't just make friends with anyone, you are worth much more than that, only those that seem like you want to be friends with and you relate to in some way. I understand how you feel I also felt like I never belonged anywhere and in many ways I continue to, I don't feel like I have a home nor do I feel like there's a group of people where I feel truly I am one of them, but over time I some parts of me have accepted that it's ok. I had some good friends in school but it was only after school and university when I moved out of my social circle did I really find true friends that I love and admire dearly, and they were found in all kinds of unexpected places around the world, some with whom I had absolutely nothing in common with in terms of how we grew up and yet we click instantly and have remained life long friends. There's definitely hope.

 

[BGooG]

Don't be fooled - all the people who look like they have it together are upside down inside. It takes many, many years to get your shit together, and to feel comfort in yourself. I'm 61, and still feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Life is a continual learning experience; lean into it.

 

[ocdrowsy]

Stop trying to get people to like you and people will like you. Not everyone but those worth bothering with

you're right but it's never easy especially in the moment, I find people hard to understand sometimes and I struggle to accept things at face value. When my presence is it enjoyed at first it is so much more gut wrenching when it leaves, not being bothered by it seems so difficult

@ocdrowsy I'm sorry you feel so terrible on your 20th birthday, happy birthday! Birthdays are always hard I know.

It sounds like you are surrounded by people who are preoccupied with themselves. Remember those people also have no idea what they are doing, but willing to use others or put others down to fulfil their own needs. And that's horrible. You saying "I have so much love to give" really touched me, that's really beautiful and I don't think those people really deserve your love.

Could you broaden your search for friends and likeminded people? Perhaps a hobby where you can find similarly minded people, or people on line with similar interests? Don't just make friends with anyone, you are worth much more than that, only those that seem like you want to be friends with and you relate to in some way. I understand how you feel I also felt like I never belonged anywhere and in many ways I continue to, I don't feel like I have a home nor do I feel like there's a group of people where I feel truly I am one of them, but over time I some parts of me have accepted that it's ok. I had some good friends in school but it was only after school and university when I moved out of my social circle did I really find true friends that I love and admire dearly, and they were found in all kinds of unexpected places around the world, some with whom I had absolutely nothing in common with in terms of how we grew up and yet we click instantly and have remained life long friends. There's definitely hope.

thank you! :) I've seen you on other threads and you're always so nice.

I'm scared that everytime I meet someone new they will eventually find out they're better off with someone else and the pain gets so much when it's coupled on by ocd and depression like sometimes I feel like I have a curse but I suppose the only way forward is to keep opening up to those who are genuine like your found family :)

Acceptance and uncertainty are the hardest aspects of life for me to grasp but knowing that you're able to helps thank you :)

 

[todiefor]

thank you! :) I've seen you on other threads and you're always so nice.

Aww thank you that's so nice of you to say, that's really made my day, thank you :)

From reading your post it sounds like you are so worthy to be anyone's friend. I think you are just not surrounded by the right people right now. One thing that may make you feel better to know is that they are all, I'm sure just as scared and unsure and looking for acceptance, it's really very human and natural. I hear what you are saying about having hope and then being scared people will reject you. Every time it happens it just hurts a little more and make you a little less trusting. Don't trust the world, don't trust others unless they have proven to you that they can be trusted, but don't let yourself feel bad about it if that makes any sense, the world is cruel and people are shit, it's not you it's them. But also the world is also filled with reallh amazing people who are perfect for you, just got to find them, you will feel accepted.

You do though have to accept yourself and find that certainty in yourself and i know that's really stupid and cliche, and somewhat hypocritical for me to say. I think in my youth I did accept myself (probably too much lol) but I never was able to find that stability and certainty that you are talking about within myself and I sought it in others, and I'm really still continuing to pay for it now. I really hope that you can find that acceptance and certainty you seek within.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring what you have to go through, existence really is too cruel and I personally don't believe that other people can be relied on, so many humans are very self centred and only care about what directly affects themselves. But anyway best wishes.

 

[ocdrowsy]

Aww thank you that's so nice of you to say, that's really made my day, thank you :)

From reading your post it sounds like you are so worthy to be anyone's friend. I think you are just not surrounded by the right people right now. One thing that may make you feel better to know is that they are all, I'm sure just as scared and unsure and looking for acceptance, it's really very human and natural. I hear what you are saying about having hope and then being scared people will reject you. Every time it happens it just hurts a little more and make you a little less trusting. Don't trust the world, don't trust others unless they have proven to you that they can be trusted, but don't let yourself feel bad about it if that makes any sense, the world is cruel and people are shit, it's not you it's them. But also the world is also filled with reallh amazing people who are perfect for you, just got to find them, you will feel accepted.

You do though have to accept yourself and find that certainty in yourself and i know that's really stupid and cliche, and somewhat hypocritical for me to say. I think in my youth I did accept myself (probably too much lol) but I never was able to find that stability and certainty that you are talking about within myself and I sought it in others, and I'm really still continuing to pay for it now. I really hope that you can find that acceptance and certainty you seek within.

Thank you so much for sharing it really helps hearing from experience :) I think I can be too trusting too quickly but when relationships with people that make you really feel something that's not just total shit it's very hard to detach or reel back from but if anything I believe that you can still find that stability and certainty in yourself as well!!!

It must be tiring what you have to go through, existence really is too cruel and I personally don't believe that other people can be relied on, so many humans are very self centred and only care about what directly affects themselves. But anyway best wishes.

Thank you :) Best wishes to you too

 

[Misfit72]

I am fifty, and have always felt like you. While in many respects I am glad I have given life a chance until now, I feel that the bad in my life in the past thirty years, never mind all fifty of them, has far outweighed the good. Life is an unsolicited gift, and if we want to throw it away, that's our right, mine and yours.