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FireFox
Enlightened
- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,551
Paracetamol overdoses is known to be a painful death but I am taking that risk.To be saved from a Paracetamol overdose a person has be given an antidote called Intravenous acetylcysteine. The is antidote is effective in preventing liver damage only when given within 8 hours of the overdose. If a person is outside the 8 hour window they will slowly die from liver failure within days.
This is a risk I will take because at least I will die. Dying slowly doesn't scare me anymore because everyday I can feel my soul and myself dying.
Everyday when I look in the mirror to see my eyes all I see is nothing deep inside. What I mean by nothing is no spark, no warmth, no joy and all I see an empty tunnel . I don't recognise my reflection anymore all I see is a stranger behind the glass mirror. I don't even have the flu but everyday I feel flu like, i dont understand this . Just like the flu I am chronically exhausted all the time, I keep crying with my eyes being with my eyes puffed up and I struggle with breathing sometimes due to stress and anxiety.
My body no longer feels under my control but under the control of something else, a darker entity. Everyday I feel it. Having an eating disorder along with suicidal thoughts feels like having a doppelganger within you that stalks, shadows your life and slowly works to steal everything good you have in your life until it finally takes over your life.
As grow older I realise now people die from suicide not because their bodies succumbed to the illness but because the illness, the doppelganger won in taking total dominance of that person's body, mind and soul.
At 25 years old in 2022 my life was at an all time high and for the first time in my life I was happy and no longer suicidal. When I talk about how amazing 2022 was to people it feels like a dream but it wasn't a dream it was so real. In Autumn had the most amazing holiday in Venice, weeks later I gave my strongest ever interview performance and secured a higher paying job. I fell in love with a 55 year old older man he made me feel so special. Winter it was snowing in England during my lunch break I went to the park and seeing the snowfall it felt so magical because the first time in my life I see how beautiful things are becoming. Christmas was so amazing. I miss that year so much. 2023 was when everything constantly wrong for me since New Years Day. I went from having the best year of my life to the worst year of my life . If those events i went through in 2023 didn't happen i wouldn't be suicidal.
Turning 27 in May I was so upset this how my life turned out to be. I am constantly unsuccessful with men and unable to get over the heartbreak and pain this man has caused me while everyone else I grew up with is married or have children, my confidence is gone after getting fired last year from my first serious job after graduating university, living with my mother, i am immature for my age and the realisation of the loneliness in my life Now I am at risk of losing my university place which I was forced to defer last year.
I am under enormous stress currently waiting for the decision my masters loam application to get approved because staff Student Finance England and university I have a place for keep messing up the paperwork landing me in problems. If I don't get my application approved I will kill myself losing that place means I lose everything. Everyone around me has something big in their lives a successful career, a marriage or some big achievement what I have got to show for my life ? Nothing, I am just a loser
I never used to believe in bad luck but now I believe its real because things constantly keep going wrong for me especially at the last minute whenever I am approaching something good. I am sick and tired of fighting and the constant cycle of things going wrong.
I have finally reached breaking point. I am never going to have those good times again I had at 25. My life at 27 is over, it feels like it everyday.
This is a risk I will take because at least I will die. Dying slowly doesn't scare me anymore because everyday I can feel my soul and myself dying.
Everyday when I look in the mirror to see my eyes all I see is nothing deep inside. What I mean by nothing is no spark, no warmth, no joy and all I see an empty tunnel . I don't recognise my reflection anymore all I see is a stranger behind the glass mirror. I don't even have the flu but everyday I feel flu like, i dont understand this . Just like the flu I am chronically exhausted all the time, I keep crying with my eyes being with my eyes puffed up and I struggle with breathing sometimes due to stress and anxiety.
My body no longer feels under my control but under the control of something else, a darker entity. Everyday I feel it. Having an eating disorder along with suicidal thoughts feels like having a doppelganger within you that stalks, shadows your life and slowly works to steal everything good you have in your life until it finally takes over your life.
As grow older I realise now people die from suicide not because their bodies succumbed to the illness but because the illness, the doppelganger won in taking total dominance of that person's body, mind and soul.
At 25 years old in 2022 my life was at an all time high and for the first time in my life I was happy and no longer suicidal. When I talk about how amazing 2022 was to people it feels like a dream but it wasn't a dream it was so real. In Autumn had the most amazing holiday in Venice, weeks later I gave my strongest ever interview performance and secured a higher paying job. I fell in love with a 55 year old older man he made me feel so special. Winter it was snowing in England during my lunch break I went to the park and seeing the snowfall it felt so magical because the first time in my life I see how beautiful things are becoming. Christmas was so amazing. I miss that year so much. 2023 was when everything constantly wrong for me since New Years Day. I went from having the best year of my life to the worst year of my life . If those events i went through in 2023 didn't happen i wouldn't be suicidal.
Turning 27 in May I was so upset this how my life turned out to be. I am constantly unsuccessful with men and unable to get over the heartbreak and pain this man has caused me while everyone else I grew up with is married or have children, my confidence is gone after getting fired last year from my first serious job after graduating university, living with my mother, i am immature for my age and the realisation of the loneliness in my life Now I am at risk of losing my university place which I was forced to defer last year.
I am under enormous stress currently waiting for the decision my masters loam application to get approved because staff Student Finance England and university I have a place for keep messing up the paperwork landing me in problems. If I don't get my application approved I will kill myself losing that place means I lose everything. Everyone around me has something big in their lives a successful career, a marriage or some big achievement what I have got to show for my life ? Nothing, I am just a loser
I never used to believe in bad luck but now I believe its real because things constantly keep going wrong for me especially at the last minute whenever I am approaching something good. I am sick and tired of fighting and the constant cycle of things going wrong.
I have finally reached breaking point. I am never going to have those good times again I had at 25. My life at 27 is over, it feels like it everyday.
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