I will be remembered as the crazy girl

[saturn1402]

I know I should've care what others will think once I have CTB but for me the sad part is that I will be remembered as the crazy girl who was obsessed with her ex.
No one will ever know how much I had to endure. No one will ever stop and think maybe I was too weak to continue but because I had to endure too much already. No one will ever know the days and nights crying, the humiliation, how it felt living with someone who saw my light leaving my eyes and told me i am just a burden , my pain was a burden and I am just a pathetic weak person. No one will ever understand how much his cheating with prostitutes destroyed me.

And he will move on. Like nothing happened. Like if I was just a bad chapter, just a crazy psycho girl who ruined his life for years. He is finally free. Finally happy. And in my own way, I can't wait to be free too.
And the craziest part I know he will be my last thought. Because I loved him and will always do.

 

[EternalLight]

Did this happen very long ago? I experienced a similar thing, and those same thoughts have gone through my head over the years, that I was just an unpleasant chapter in her life, a broken man that she could just move on from and forget. I almost ended it all when it was over; I didn't, but something died inside of me, a kind of spark that I'd never know again. I understand the agony of a broken heart, and I'm sorry you have had to experienced that, too. I hope you're able to find peace, however it may be.

 

[saturn1402]

4 months ago. Tried therapy, medications, religion, making new friends.. but the pain is still the same, it never gets better.

And I am sorry to hear your experience

exactly like you said "something died inside me". I feel like I died. I'm walking, smiling, looking totally normal from the outside. But there is nothing left of me.

Did this happen very long ago? I experienced a similar thing, and those same thoughts have gone through my head over the years, that I was just an unpleasant chapter in her life, a broken man that she could just move on from and forget. I almost ended it all when it was over; I didn't, but something died inside of me, a kind of spark that I'd never know again. I understand the agony of a broken heart, and I'm sorry you have had to experienced that, too. I hope you're able to find peace, however it may be.

 

[EternalLight]

You sound similar to me in some ways. After the end of that relationship, I threw myself into all sorts of things, trying to fill the hole that that severence had left within me. It all just becomes such a blur, and I look back and it sometimes feels as if I really did die then, ever since wandering as a kind of phantom, unable to leave this plane.

If you don't mind me asking, did you grow up with what you feel you've now lost? Or was it something that emerged as a result of that relationship?

 

[Blue Dream]

I know I should've care what others will think once I have CTB but for me the sad part is that I will be remembered as the crazy girl who was obsessed with her ex.
No one will ever know how much I had to endure. No one will ever stop and think maybe I was too weak to continue but because I had to endure too much already. No one will ever know the days and nights crying, the humiliation, how it felt living with someone who saw my light leaving my eyes and told me i am just a burden , my pain was a burden and I am just a pathetic weak person. No one will ever understand how much his cheating with prostitutes destroyed me.

And he will move on. Like nothing happened. Like if I was just a bad chapter, just a crazy psycho girl who ruined his life for years. He is finally free. Finally happy. And in my own way, I can't wait to be free too.
And the craziest part I know he will be my last thought. Because I loved him and will always do.

Why would anyone love someone who treats them like this...?
How are you not angry at him?

 

[saturn1402]

Why would anyone love someone who treats them like this...?

Because it's kinda my fault. Because of a lot of my childhood traumas, my jealousy , my bitterness… I ended up belittling him and overall being very toxic. If I was kinder and more loving he would have treated me better , he would have not lied and cheated on me

 

[Wonhun]

.

 

[saturn1402]

The world would be a happier place if there is more psycho ex

Why ?

 

[CC123]

Because it's kinda my fault. Because of a lot of my childhood traumas, my jealousy , my bitterness… I ended up belittling him and overall being very toxic. If I was kinder and more loving he would have treated me better , he would have not lied and cheated on me

You are absolutely, in no way, responsible for his shitty behavior
Please don't blame yourself for his idiocy
He has manipulated you
You are emotionally battered
The wonderful angels who work at battered women's centers can help you

 

[Wonhun]

.

 

[saturn1402]

You are absolutely, in no way, responsible for his shitty behavior
Please don't blame yourself for his idiocy
He has manipulated you
You are emotionally battered
The wonderful angels who work at battered women's centers can he

Because no one ever treasure relationship and forget about everything

Please tell me, what is the only thing for those so called "help" would said? What they do is just wanting to erase your existence and be forgotten. Is it helpful? THEY ONLY ALLOW ONE VOICE AND ONE CHOICE. Instead of helping you to improve your relationship, they only allow you to sabotage it and destroy it to be forgotten. THEY USE EVIL SPELL OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES TO EXORCISE YOU FROM THEIR LIFE. BUT IN FACT YOU ARE JUST NOT WORTHY AND VALUABLE ENOUGH TO MAKE EVERYONE SWIM AT YOU LIKE CELEBRITY DOES. It is just a nature of humanity for inferior is being expelled and superior is being pursued. They feed you lies for you to cope with for being the inferior one. Tell me, if you are the only provider for what other need, will they give you up easily? Will they cheat on you? Instead of helping you achieve that to satisfy the true solution, they ALWAYS BRAINWASH YOU TO FUCKING MOVE ON! Move on is for weak, the inferior. If you have the power, do you think you really need to be "MOVE ON"?

im sorry @Wonhun I must be super dumb and my English is not that great. Can you explain what you mean please?

 

[Blue Dream]

Because it's kinda my fault. Because of a lot of my childhood traumas, my jealousy , my bitterness… I ended up belittling him and overall being very toxic. If I was kinder and more loving he would have treated me better , he would have not lied and cheated on me

That's nonsense. He would have every right to leave but not to cheat and lie.

Sounds like you don't think you deserve being in a healthy relationship and make excuses for a partner that treats you like shit as a form of self harm by proxy.

You can't change the past but you can choose not to throw away your future over this. Lying and cheating men are as common as dirt.

 

[Amarajoy]

Because it's kinda my fault. Because of a lot of my childhood traumas, my jealousy , my bitterness… I ended up belittling him and overall being very toxic. If I was kinder and more loving he would have treated me better , he would have not lied and cheated on me

Bull shot. You may have been toxic but he is toxic too. Healthy people don't cheat, much less with prostitutes. No dig at prostitutes but it says a lot about how he views women. Not to mention risk of STDs etc. It's absolutely disgusting to sleep with a woman that uses her body like that. Again, I don't think the women are disgusting. Many are forced into this horrible life but sex isn't to be abused like that and I can't believe any woman truly enjoys that. It's totally degrading to women.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I know I should've care what others will think once I have CTB but for me the sad part is that I will be remembered as the crazy girl who was obsessed with her ex.
No one will ever know how much I had to endure. No one will ever stop and think maybe I was too weak to continue but because I had to endure too much already. No one will ever know the days and nights crying, the humiliation, how it felt living with someone who saw my light leaving my eyes and told me i am just a burden , my pain was a burden and I am just a pathetic weak person. No one will ever understand how much his cheating with prostitutes destroyed me.

And he will move on. Like nothing happened. Like if I was just a bad chapter, just a crazy psycho girl who ruined his life for years. He is finally free. Finally happy. And in my own way, I can't wait to be free too.
And the craziest part I know he will be my last thought. Because I loved him and will always do.

I know how hard this can be. My wife left me abruptly after 20 years together, and it's been devastating. I loved her so much and I did so much to support her, but at some point I guess she started secretly turning on me. She just sees me as a mentally ill guy, and she saw supporting me through my difficulties as a burden. She acted like she loved and cared about me, but I can't tell what was real anymore. She cheated on me in a threesome with two mutual friends, even when I told her how hard that would be on me. She just moved on from me like it was nothing, discarding and abandoning me like I'm just a worthless mentally ill reject. We have 2 kids so she also kicked me out of the family that was my whole reason for living. It completely crushed me and upended my entire life.