I went to the hospital today

[MidnightCat]

It's been a really rough week. Nothing really happened but my depression really kicked in (thanks BPD) and, as usual, was having suicide thoughts.

It's important to mention that I'm getting visited at the hospital regularly as I'm in some sort of daycare (I see my psychiatrist and psychologist once a month).

So... As part of that daycare, you're supposed to go to the hospital if you need help and they'll attend you in that unit.

Last visit with the therapist I was told I should get hospitalised at the psychiatric ward and stay some time living in the hospital, something I strongly opposed to.

So... As I went in today, sharing that the thoughts are getting harder to control I was greeted with a cold steel wall "what are you doing coming here, We cannot help you, I already told you to get hospitalised."


... And that's it. It may be a tactic, maybe as I have BPD just wanted attention or something so she cut me off? Maybe I was being annoying?


I really struggle with suicide thoughts, but I really don't want to live in the hospital. I'd miss my wife and cats (and probably have really bad anxiety of feeling alone) and it scares me as hell...

And now I just have on repeat on my head "why are you coming here"... I understand I'm the problem, but...


I don't know, I really don't know. I'm just desolated.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear about that, MidnightCat~ :( now, I don't know all the context, but to me, it sounds like your therapist is just sick of dealing with you~ >_< which is why they want you to go to the ward (even tho you don't want to, and many people have had negative experiences with it here too [altho, I'm sure it's worked for someone, but idk who]) which sucks tons~ :( if they are sick of dealing with you, then, maybe you could get a new one? idk either~ >_< thankfully, nothing bad happened with your psychologist and psychiatrist at that hospital from what you described~ :) however, considering how regularly you see those 2, idk how getting sent to the ward where you're visited by the same people as before can help(?) regardless, I wish the best for you! ^_^

 

[MidnightCat]

Thank you EternalShore for taking the time to post, it means a lot.

Guessing you're right, might be that she's sick of dealing with me, BPD is hard to handle for the therapist too after all.

"It's supposed to help with finding the right medication". Basically, and it was almost explained to me this way...

""As you'll be in a safe space we can give you high doses of medications under medical examination, so... You might feel a little zombie till we manage to find something that helps, but you'll be safe at the hospital.

Thing is... In cases like yours, it won't take less than a month and it'll probably be more. ""


So... Doesn't really sound that exciting even if we ignore being away from my wife, cats and life.

 

[TBONTB]

I'm sorry to hear about the loneliness you are feeling. It makes my heart hurt. Rest assured there are people who care even if we don't know you. I love my BPD family member, the pain is very real.

 

[whywere]

When I retire tonight I will include you in my nightly prayers, as you are such a kind person. You miss your wife and cats and that really shows just how huge of not only a heart you have but you have so much intelligence, as you think of others and that is just so wonderful and show just the loving and caring person that you are.

I have been in the hospital before for mental health and, it takes not only guts but a loving heart to do it, for others.

I wish the very best for you, your wife and cats and I will keep you close to my heart and mind, as we are all together in this as you are an inspiration to me, and I bet others.

Love and sunny skies to you, my good friend,

Walter