I went to a memorial recently

[ChiseHatori]

I cried so much. I haven't cried that long in forever. She didn't ask for death - it was forced onto her (read: it wasn't CTB). I was mourning the loss of a beautiful person I didn't get to be close to, and I was reminded heavily of the unresolved grief I have over my dad.

At a point, I felt extremely guilty because I felt as if I was projecting. Me and the departed had a lot in common, so much so that some people even talked to me about it there.

Then, it hit me...

It felt like I was at my own memorial for a moment.

Now, I was already feeling a little more suicidal than usual recently. And now I'm in this strange place of fading in and out of the feeling, stronger than before, almost like a constant massive pit in my stomach that just keeps caving in.

But, I'm finding myself... opening up more. Trying to find more friends. Doing more, I guess. Right after I'd resolved myself to distancing myself from any possible connections to make CTB easier... but...

It's hard to put it all into words. It's just that I feel like I'm in a wave pool of emotions, just constantly back and forth and back and forth... I just want it to end, one way or another.

 

[D1byRam3n]

Take it slowly no need to rush everything or you probably might be end up meeting another pain later that come with a lack preparation

 

[vipatherappa]

You should what I say with a pinch of salt since I've never experienced the grief of mourning or any other situation like yours, but if I were you I'd try to carry on the departed's legacy by being my (read: your, lol) authentic self, since you say you and the departed were similar in a lot of ways. It seems like the people around you appreciate you opening up and sharing more of yourself with them. It sounds kinda stupid, but I think maybe you could find some comfort in thinking that the soul of the departed lives on within you, to some extent. I don't know. That's just my two cents

 

[nivis...]

I cried so much. I haven't cried that long in forever. She didn't ask for death - it was forced onto her (read: it wasn't CTB). I was mourning the loss of a beautiful person I didn't get to be close to, and I was reminded heavily of the unresolved grief I have over my dad.

At a point, I felt extremely guilty because I felt as if I was projecting. Me and the departed had a lot in common, so much so that some people even talked to me about it there.

Then, it hit me...

It felt like I was at my own memorial for a moment.

Now, I was already feeling a little more suicidal than usual recently. And now I'm in this strange place of fading in and out of the feeling, stronger than before, almost like a constant massive pit in my stomach that just keeps caving in.

But, I'm finding myself... opening up more. Trying to find more friends. Doing more, I guess. Right after I'd resolved myself to distancing myself from any possible connections to make CTB easier... but...

It's hard to put it all into words. It's just that I feel like I'm in a wave pool of emotions, just constantly back and forth and back and forth... I just want it to end, one way or another.

you got it, it's gonna be fine, don't worry.