goodoldnoname923
Wanting to find peace
- Mar 28, 2024
- 833
This is a reminder that seems to be rammed down my throat alot across my life
I believe i've mentioned before about how my 1st genuine suicide attempts were around 14-15 my memory does fail me on this it was the classic plastic bag with an apple wire wrapped around the base of the bag and neck
Tried this for weeks on end and there was a point were i panicked and ripped open the back and i have thought back to it thinking what if i hadn't ripped that back and just let nature take its cause,upon research i've done since then it's extremely possible I wouldn't have died but not impossible but for the sake of argument i did or would've right
Everything in my life seems to be a constant reminder or in a way reinforcement of the belief that i made the wrong decision,that i went against what destined for me or maybe the greater good of the world and because of that well…
Ever heard of the butterfly effect? What if i was to tell you me living that day has made me the cause of the covid outbreak and in turn that is what has allowed the brewing of the 3rd world war
Me myself has destoryed alot of lifes with my irrational erratic emotional behaviour people i fucking cared about…and generally i think my existence is nothing but trouble for anyone and everyone or so I'm constantly told…i have a handful of people telling me i bring them some joy and comfort but do i? Does it make up for the people i've hurt and even so people that say this are people i've most likely hurt at points anyway
I believe that me failing that suicide attempt was a mistake…even if i ended up in a coma aleast people wouldn't of been hurt…aleast i'd be at peace until they finally pulled the plug and I drifted off into the black abyss
My existence has done nothing but cause pain and inconvenience to others and that's exactly what it continues to do and no I don't want to hear people saying "oh no you matter and shit" tell that to the people that i hurt,tell that to all the people over the years that hate me tell that to all the people that see me as an irrdeemable monster that feelings nothing…because honestly if I didn't have the morals i did…maybe i'd fully allow myself to feel nothing sadly i can repress these feelings i can numb them…I can't fully ignore them or run from them
I believe i've mentioned before about how my 1st genuine suicide attempts were around 14-15 my memory does fail me on this it was the classic plastic bag with an apple wire wrapped around the base of the bag and neck
Tried this for weeks on end and there was a point were i panicked and ripped open the back and i have thought back to it thinking what if i hadn't ripped that back and just let nature take its cause,upon research i've done since then it's extremely possible I wouldn't have died but not impossible but for the sake of argument i did or would've right
Everything in my life seems to be a constant reminder or in a way reinforcement of the belief that i made the wrong decision,that i went against what destined for me or maybe the greater good of the world and because of that well…
Ever heard of the butterfly effect? What if i was to tell you me living that day has made me the cause of the covid outbreak and in turn that is what has allowed the brewing of the 3rd world war
Me myself has destoryed alot of lifes with my irrational erratic emotional behaviour people i fucking cared about…and generally i think my existence is nothing but trouble for anyone and everyone or so I'm constantly told…i have a handful of people telling me i bring them some joy and comfort but do i? Does it make up for the people i've hurt and even so people that say this are people i've most likely hurt at points anyway
I believe that me failing that suicide attempt was a mistake…even if i ended up in a coma aleast people wouldn't of been hurt…aleast i'd be at peace until they finally pulled the plug and I drifted off into the black abyss
My existence has done nothing but cause pain and inconvenience to others and that's exactly what it continues to do and no I don't want to hear people saying "oh no you matter and shit" tell that to the people that i hurt,tell that to all the people over the years that hate me tell that to all the people that see me as an irrdeemable monster that feelings nothing…because honestly if I didn't have the morals i did…maybe i'd fully allow myself to feel nothing sadly i can repress these feelings i can numb them…I can't fully ignore them or run from them
