Venting I was used

[Giraffey]

My last ex-partner was my soul-mate. She suffered from a number of health conditions, I worked my ass off for nearly eight months to make her better and she is the first to admit that I genuinely changed her life where countless other professionals had failed. I continued to treat her even after we broke up because I loved and cared about her unconditionally. But it came at a terrible emotional cost, I burnt out and suffered a huge breakdown that led to planning a very serious attempt. We stopped speaking and I began the process of recovery - albeit I stumbled.

Then, three months later and completely out of the blue she messages me last night, in a panic; she was going into hospital the next morning and was terrified of vomiting from the anaesthetic. I offered the advice and expertise that I had provided ever since I've known her and she was genuinely grateful. I was under no illusions that this would somehow lead to the rekindling of our relationship, I'd been brutally disabused of that delusion months earlier when I broke down; but I did think that perhaps we could re-establish a friendship, however distant; an acquaintanceship perhaps. Checking in on one another every once in a while to see how life is going.

Her operation came and went this morning and she was supposed to let me know that she was okay, I watched as she disappeared offline and re-emerged a short time later, I watched as her online status fluctuated on and off throughout the day as she messaged other people but still no message came my way. I thought that I would double-check her profile on social media to see whether she had posted about the operation, perhaps if there had been complications she would announce it there. But I was blocked.

I sent her one final message this evening, to wish her well and tell her that whilst I was hurt, I understood her decision to cut me off. But still, I feel used. I should have set boundaries, I've set those now, but the dagger had already drawn blood. After everything I did for her, the stress and anxiety I went through today after she sprung this on me at the last minute because she needed the reassurance only I am capable of providing; the very least she could have done is tell me she was okay.

I'm sorry that this is so long, I just needed to vent it. I've posted a lot today, I don't normally but I've been out of my mind. I hadn't felt the suicidal urges too strongly but after what has happened today they've returned. It's not her fault that I'm feeling suicidal again, it's my fault for being ill-equipped to deal with a breach of trust by that one person with whom I failed to set the boundaries. Lesson learned, boundaries set, but emotions shot to pieces and honestly if this feeling doesn't improve then it won't be long before I'll be off to the psych ward or the morgue - this is the worst it's been in several months, god.

 

[Ghost2211]

Did she just want a ride from you, or full on post op care?

 

[Giraffey]

Did she just want a ride from you, or full on post op care?

It wasn't sexual, but it was definitely an emotional ride.

She has a severe fear of vomiting and I happen to be something of an expert on nausea and vomiting, she came looking for advice, knowledge and reassurance from the only person who could give it to her. The same thing early this morning when the anaesthetist came to visit her before her op. I'd briefed her on what anaesthetic she would likely receive and talked about it's antiemetic properties, I asked her to confirm with the doctor that they were indeed using that drug, she did. I even left her with a short list of 'emergency measures' to follow if she felt sick.

I didn't hear a peep after that. The polite word is "idiot" but I've called myself several stronger words this evening

Edit: She acted as though she regretted entirely abandoning the 'friendship' we managed to salvage, I'm beginning to wonder if that was just a ruse to exploit my lingering emotions and reel me in. I have no idea anymore, I guess you never really know people.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Being used is never a good feeling. After investing so much into someone, it would hurt a lot to be cut off like that, I get it. I'm glad you're comfortable in sharing and talking about it here, hopefully it helps relieve your pain a ittle.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I can empathize with you. I've been this person in the majority of my relationships with other humans. We want to be there for our friends. We want to give and give and give. Somehow, we expect them to want the same, but too often they don't. It can sting. We feel exploited, unappreciated, and alone. The realization that others don't love us with the same vigor as we love them is so often painful.

 

[Giraffey]

Thanks all for the kind words and support, I'm sorry I made you wade through so much writing.

I mean I'll confess, although I invested a significant amount into our relationship and later into our friendship and just generally her as a person in the pursuit of bettering her life, I would accept if she'd simply left it where we were without talking, or if she'd sent me an update after the op thanking me for the support and saying that she was drawing a line under our past.

But it's just not fair to suddenly pop up, spring an imminent crisis on me - I should point out that this operation was essentially a life-saving one for her, so the stakes and emotions were sky-high. Why blank me, only to reel me back in when she needs me, to then allow me to panic and worry over her only to blank me again? She's not the type of person who would be deliberately manipulative, I think this is really just coming from a place of her not giving a shit, and that's what hurts I guess.

That and all of the flashbacks to my abusive ex who behaved in similar ways (deliberately) have been triggered which is probably why I feel so on-edge and suicidal right now :(

 

[Lilacmoon]

You're right, and that wasn't fair at all. Being manipulated and used like that is never okay. Don't apologize, some of us like wading through lots of writing. <3

 

[Ghost2211]

It wasn't sexual, but it was definitely an emotional ride.

She has a severe fear of vomiting and I happen to be something of an expert on nausea and vomiting, she came looking for advice, knowledge and reassurance from the only person who could give it to her. The same thing early this morning when the anaesthetist came to visit her before her op. I'd briefed her on what anaesthetic she would likely receive and talked about it's antiemetic properties, I asked her to confirm with the doctor that they were indeed using that drug, she did. I even left her with a short list of 'emergency measures' to follow if she felt sick.

I didn't hear a peep after that. The polite word is "idiot" but I've called myself several stronger words this evening

Edit: She acted as though she regretted entirely abandoning the 'friendship' we managed to salvage, I'm beginning to wonder if that was just a ruse to exploit my lingering emotions and reel me in. I have no idea anymore, I guess you never really know people.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. She could have gotten all that info from her doctor and left you alone. I hope for your sake you don't let her puppy dog eyes her way back into mistreating you. You deserve better.

 

[tidalwxves]

My last ex-partner was my soul-mate. She suffered from a number of health conditions, I worked my ass off for nearly eight months to make her better and she is the first to admit that I genuinely changed her life where countless other professionals had failed. I continued to treat her even after we broke up because I loved and cared about her unconditionally. But it came at a terrible emotional cost, I burnt out and suffered a huge breakdown that led to planning a very serious attempt. We stopped speaking and I began the process of recovery - albeit I stumbled.

Then, three months later and completely out of the blue she messages me last night, in a panic; she was going into hospital the next morning and was terrified of vomiting from the anaesthetic. I offered the advice and expertise that I had provided ever since I've known her and she was genuinely grateful. I was under no illusions that this would somehow lead to the rekindling of our relationship, I'd been brutally disabused of that delusion months earlier when I broke down; but I did think that perhaps we could re-establish a friendship, however distant; an acquaintanceship perhaps. Checking in on one another every once in a while to see how life is going.

Her operation came and went this morning and she was supposed to let me know that she was okay, I watched as she disappeared offline and re-emerged a short time later, I watched as her online status fluctuated on and off throughout the day as she messaged other people but still no message came my way. I thought that I would double-check her profile on social media to see whether she had posted about the operation, perhaps if there had been complications she would announce it there. But I was blocked.

I sent her one final message this evening, to wish her well and tell her that whilst I was hurt, I understood her decision to cut me off. But still, I feel used. I should have set boundaries, I've set those now, but the dagger had already drawn blood. After everything I did for her, the stress and anxiety I went through today after she sprung this on me at the last minute because she needed the reassurance only I am capable of providing; the very least she could have done is tell me she was okay.

I'm sorry that this is so long, I just needed to vent it. I've posted a lot today, I don't normally but I've been out of my mind. I hadn't felt the suicidal urges too strongly but after what has happened today they've returned. It's not her fault that I'm feeling suicidal again, it's my fault for being ill-equipped to deal with a breach of trust by that one person with whom I failed to set the boundaries. Lesson learned, boundaries set, but emotions shot to pieces and honestly if this feeling doesn't improve then it won't be long before I'll be off to the psych ward or the morgue - this is the worst it's been in several months, god.

I'm so sorry to hear this, at least you are able to articulate your feelings. Thank you for sharing, it's brave. We might not be able to fix everything, but we here you. You may feel lonely but you aren't alone, don't apologize for "posting too much" that's what this is for. I hope you can at least have peaceful sleep tonight now that you've gotten this off your chest

 

[Giraffey]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. She could have gotten all that info from her doctor and left you alone. I hope for your sake you don't let her puppy dog eyes her way back into mistreating you. You deserve better.

Thank you RosieBird. It's my own fault; after our relationship broke down for reasons beyond either of our control, I substituted my role as "boyfriend" by stepping into the role as her doctor. It allowed me to continue to feel the positive influence on her life that I craved, to begin to help heal the trauma of her childhood and basically get her health back in order. I was making a huge difference, but receiving none of the benefit; instead, I enabled her to be happy without me. A selfless bullet to the head that I'm now struggling to extract.

I'm so sorry to hear this, at least you are able to articulate your feelings. Thank you for sharing, it's brave. We might not be able to fix everything, but we here you. You may feel lonely but you aren't alone, don't apologize for "posting too much" that's what this is for. I hope you can at least have peaceful sleep tonight now that you've gotten this off your chest

Thanks tidal. You're right that nobody here can fix my issues and there is no mystical advice that can make this all better; but being able to articulate my feelings to people who care enough to read them and wish me well is helping me to feel a little bit less alone tonight.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

no reason to be sorry. I write novels all the time. Sometimes people really do read through them. I'm sorry she used you that way and didn't even consider your feelings about worrying about her. The least she could have done was message you surgery a success thank you. You clearly deserve better. sending you love and hugs

 

[Giraffey]

no reason to be sorry. I write novels all the time. Sometimes people really do read through them. I'm sorry she used you that way and didn't even consider your feelings about worrying about her. The least she could have done was message you surgery a success thank you. You clearly deserve better. sending you love and hugs

Thank you Sinkinshyp, I appreciate those kind words and you're right, what hurts is that she could ask for help and make me worry about the possibility of her dying from sepsis (this is why they operated today), or cancer (she has a suspicious lump and other red flag symptoms), but she couldn't be bothered to send me a message and let me know she was okay, or what had happened. I've just noticed in the light that I've broken out in a stress rash, all on my chest and the backs of my hands.

PS. Keep out PM conversation warm. I'm sorry I didn't reply just yet, what with everything that happened yesterday, and today, but I haven't forgotten

 

[Meditation guide]

Please do not respond to her if she contacts you again. Put up a strong boundary against people who use you.

Trying to rescue people often backfires.

 

[Giraffey]

Please do not respond to her if she contacts you again. Put up a strong boundary against people who use you.

Trying to rescue people often backfires.

I find myself wanting to write "But it wasn't as simple as having some kind of 'damsel in distress' complex..." only the truth is that you're right MG, as painful as it is I have to draw the line, for the sake of my own mental health and as a matter of self-respect.

I worry terribly about her, but maybe I'm caring about a person who no longer exists.

Maybe today has proved that I'm caring about a person who no longer cares about me back, except when it suits her.

Thank you for the thoughtful and sobering advice. I don't know if I'm strong enough to implement it, but I have to try because deep down I know that boundaries are useless if I don't enforce them :(

 

[color_me_gone]

She's not the type of person who would be deliberately manipulative

all of the flashbacks to my abusive ex who behaved in similar ways

I don't know, she sounds pretty manipulative to me.
She seems like a pwNPD (person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
You sound like an empath. pwNPDs are attracted to empaths.
You need to change yourself so you are not an empath.
Otherwise, these type of people will keep coming into your life.
Lots of info on wpNPD and empaths on the web, just Google.
Also self help on how to change yourself from an empath.

 

[Giraffey]

Thank you everybody for your compassion and support yesterday; I was truly at my lowest ebb and I doubt that I'd have even got out of bed this morning were it not for the support and encouragement I received. I know that sounds sycophantic and overly-dramatic but right now this is my only support network and it makes a big difference.

I'm feeling a little more stable today, I don't know if it's the eye of the storm or whether I've genuinely made it through the worst, but yesterday pushed me to make some changes to my boundaries and to rethink the way I approach friendships and relationships past and future - I can't keep sacrificing my own wellbeing like it's a disposable commodity.

Thanks again, I wish I could express this better but I appreciate the support so much

 

[Meditation guide]

I can't keep sacrificing my own wellbeing like it's a disposable commodity.

You just made me smile, it's so nice to hear you have realized this. I was self sacrificing too when I was in love and wish I could go back and do it over again. I would have saved myself so much misery and wasted time. My life would have been so much better in every way. It's hard to see what this kind of abusive treatment does to you when you are in it.

 

[BipolarGuy]

My last ex-partner was my soul-mate. She suffered from a number of health conditions, I worked my ass off for nearly eight months to make her better and she is the first to admit that I genuinely changed her life where countless other professionals had failed. I continued to treat her even after we broke up because I loved and cared about her unconditionally. But it came at a terrible emotional cost, I burnt out and suffered a huge breakdown that led to planning a very serious attempt. We stopped speaking and I began the process of recovery - albeit I stumbled.

Then, three months later and completely out of the blue she messages me last night, in a panic; she was going into hospital the next morning and was terrified of vomiting from the anaesthetic. I offered the advice and expertise that I had provided ever since I've known her and she was genuinely grateful. I was under no illusions that this would somehow lead to the rekindling of our relationship, I'd been brutally disabused of that delusion months earlier when I broke down; but I did think that perhaps we could re-establish a friendship, however distant; an acquaintanceship perhaps. Checking in on one another every once in a while to see how life is going.

Her operation came and went this morning and she was supposed to let me know that she was okay, I watched as she disappeared offline and re-emerged a short time later, I watched as her online status fluctuated on and off throughout the day as she messaged other people but still no message came my way. I thought that I would double-check her profile on social media to see whether she had posted about the operation, perhaps if there had been complications she would announce it there. But I was blocked.

I sent her one final message this evening, to wish her well and tell her that whilst I was hurt, I understood her decision to cut me off. But still, I feel used. I should have set boundaries, I've set those now, but the dagger had already drawn blood. After everything I did for her, the stress and anxiety I went through today after she sprung this on me at the last minute because she needed the reassurance only I am capable of providing; the very least she could have done is tell me she was okay.

I'm sorry that this is so long, I just needed to vent it. I've posted a lot today, I don't normally but I've been out of my mind. I hadn't felt the suicidal urges too strongly but after what has happened today they've returned. It's not her fault that I'm feeling suicidal again, it's my fault for being ill-equipped to deal with a breach of trust by that one person with whom I failed to set the boundaries. Lesson learned, boundaries set, but emotions shot to pieces and honestly if this feeling doesn't improve then it won't be long before I'll be off to the psych ward or the morgue - this is the worst it's been in several months, god.

I saw your previous thread about how you were helping her, and frankly I knew this was coming.

Not your fault obviously, but without wanting to tar every female with the same brush, quite frankly there are a lot out there that will use you for whatever they want and then ditch you.

Men like that too of course.

 

[color_me_gone]

Hi @SlowMo,

We do like supporting people here, especially people who are at the end of their rope.
Sadly, there are wicked people out there who want to shut us down, because we only do bad things, so they say.

It is a good thing to have empathy for others, but it is bad for yourself to have too much empathy.
I 'm glad you are working on setting boundaries, and also working on enforcing them.
That is fair to you, and only you can lookout for yourself.
I wish you much success in that work, and hope you can put the past behind you.

 

[sufferingalways]

It wasn't sexual, but it was definitely an emotional ride.

She has a severe fear of vomiting and I happen to be something of an expert on nausea and vomiting, she came looking for advice, knowledge and reassurance from the only person who could give it to her. The same thing early this morning when the anaesthetist came to visit her before her op. I'd briefed her on what anaesthetic she would likely receive and talked about it's antiemetic properties, I asked her to confirm with the doctor that they were indeed using that drug, she did. I even left her with a short list of 'emergency measures' to follow if she felt sick.

I didn't hear a peep after that. The polite word is "idiot" but I've called myself several stronger words this evening

Edit: She acted as though she regretted entirely abandoning the 'friendship' we managed to salvage, I'm beginning to wonder if that was just a ruse to exploit my lingering emotions and reel me in. I have no idea anymore, I guess you never really know people.

Sorry to hear that happened to you. But glad to note from later posts that you're (even belatedly) setting boundaries. I know a few manipulative people in life too and it's never easy to know what you should or should not do. In my case some work at the council housing office .. so I can't just cut ties (which I urgently need to do) but I get what a minefield it can be.