Venting I was too late....

[Haku]

So I did one of the hardest things I ever had to, I tried to message my best friend, so I can tell him I'm going to ctb, and I know what some of you might be thinking, aren't you worried he might call someone to have you committed, no, he lives in a different state and far from me. I messaged him, and he didnt see or reply to me. 3 hours later, I check to see if he went online, looked at my message, and saw that he saw my message, and didnt reply to me, and I didnt mention what I plan to do to him yet, I wanted to tell him after he replied. I went over a year without talking to him and he kept trying to reach out. But I didnt do this to him because I was mad at him, hell, I stopped talking to everyone on my Facebook, not just him. I stopped talking to them because my life was over, for real this time, and that is when I had decided to plan to end my life, and I didnt want to tell him or anybody else about it. So I stopped just talking to everyone, and stopped posting on Facebook. 2 months ago, he messaged me again, and at that time, I had decided to do this cross country train trip through the US to my final destination, and make detours in between, in 2 different states before my final testing place, and those states, inhaled 1 friend in each state, both of whom tried to reach out to me during my hiatus. One being my best friend, and so I finally decided to reply to my best friend telling him, I'm sorry, I cant talk to you for long, and I cant tell you why just yet, but I will be planning a trip, and will be passing by your area to visit for a few hours. This will not be a having fun visit, this will be me and you just hanging out for a few hours, out to eat or something, and I have to tell you something important, then I have to go back on track to my main destination. This is all I can tell you for now, and a week before I leave on my trip, I will let you know, so we can meet up, I cant say anymore, I hope you understand, please be patient with me. It may take awhile, but I will message you before December, and he said OK and he understands. So after a month and a half later, I realized that I probably will not have enough money to do this cross country trip, and I thought about just flying out to visit for a day and then go, but will not have enough money for that either, will probably just have enough money to go to my ctb location. So I will probably not be able to see my best friend after all. I have been wanting to tell him this for 3 weeks, buy I didnt have the courage to do so. Then just a couple of days ago, a friend on the forum told me a story, similar to what I'm going through with my best friend, and kind of gave me the courage to finally send my friend a message on Facebook, to tell him everything. So I did that today, didnt logged in most of the day, then 3 hours later I checked the message I sent to him, and it said he viewed the message like forty something minutes before I checked up on it. It tore me apart, that he saw it and didnt reply, that is when it hit me, that I was too late, he probably thought I left him in the cold after my last message, and gave up on me. I told him it will be awhile for me to message back at him, but I will message back. I always keep my promises, and today was finally that day, and he probably gave up on me. I am kind of sad, but not too much. I originally planned to push him out of my life along with everyone else, not because I hated them, I did it to protect them and myself, so they wouldn't be too sad with my passing or even know about it, and so I wouldn't have to get pissed off at them if they tried to find a way to keep me around. So in the end I got the result I wanted, but he changed my mind on that, and I ended up wanting to talk and see him one last time. Now that my mind is changed, I get what I orginally wanted, but now it's hurting me, it's just another fuck you from the Universe to me, just like it always does. I just want one fucking break, that's all I want before i die, and then ctb painlessly and peacefully. But who knows if It will even give me that, or let me die, it probably will try to keep me around so it can keep torturing me. I am having difficulties getting valium from a friend, this is probably the Universe doing, and I haven't ordered my meto yet, was going to do it today, but I didnt, so will do it tomorrow for sure, but if for some reason I am unable to buy my meto from ADC, that just proves the Universe is fucking with me, and I will be forced to take my life in a not so painless and peaceful way... But anyways, I'm done complaining about the fucking Universe, I will do what i need to do if it screws me over. And here is screenshots of the message i sent my friend, and that he saw it and didnt reply. It says his first name only, and his profile pic is not him, so just letting people know, I'm not doxing him.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're disappointed in your friend. Perhaps you can be patient with him. x

 

[Haku]

I'm sorry you're disappointed in your friend. Perhaps you can be patient with him. x

I'm not disappointed with him, I'm worried that he hates me now, he did nothing wrong for me to be disappointed with him. I just hope he thinks about it, so I can speak to him one last chance, I dont have much time left until I ctb.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I am so so sorry that you're having to endure this. From your previous posts, you seem like a very caring person. Being ignored by someone is the worst feeling. I hope that you know you have friends here, but I know it's not the same.

 

[k75]

It is possible your friend didn't actually see the message. It does funny things sometimes and often shows things as viewed when they actually weren't. I've even had it not notify me at all when I've had new messages. I know how you feel, but I wouldn't automatically jump to the worst conclusion just yet.

 

[Haku]

I am so so sorry that you're having to endure this. From your previous posts, you seem like a very caring person. Being ignored by someone is the worst feeling. I hope that you know you have friends here, but I know it's not the same.

Thank you, you do know how much i appreciate you saying this, it's true that my best friend is someone I met in person, but even though I have never met anyone on the forum in person, I'd like to think of many that I've met on her good friends, these are people I wish I met in person and under better circumstances. I feel like me and everyone on the forum, I feel like we are from the same clan, we relate to each other quite a bit, so though we have not met, I feel like I'm good friends with most of the members, better friends than some of the friends I've met in person.

It is possible your friend didn't actually see the message. It does funny things sometimes and often shows things as viewed when they actually weren't. I've even had it not notify me at all when I've had new messages. I know how you feel, but I wouldn't automatically jump to the worst conclusion just yet.

Thank you, I really hope so, I hope when I get up from attempting to sleep later, that a message from him will be waiting for my reply.

 

[k75]

It's also possible he did see it and he's not ignoring you, but that he needs some time to process your message and work up the nerve to have the conversation you were alluding to.

If I got that same message, I would be very concerned but also be unsure how to respond and would probably sit on it for a bit, to be honest. Fear of the subject matter would cause me to freeze up, because that's what I do. But based on what you told us, it doesn't seem likely he just gave up on you.

Sorry, I'm pretty crap at optimism at this point, but the two scenarios I mentioned seem most likely to me.

 

[Haku]

It's also possible he did see it and he's not ignoring you, but that he needs some time to process your message and work up the nerve to have the conversation you were alluding to.

If I got that same message, I would be very concerned but also be unsure how to respond and would probably sit on it for a bit, to be honest. Fear of the subject matter would cause me to freeze up, because that's what I do. But based on what you told us, it doesn't seem likely he just gave up on you.

Sorry, I'm pretty crap at optimism at this point, but the two scenarios I mentioned seem most likely to me.

Yea, kind of thought about that scenario as well, but still more set on the worse outcome, and yea, I'm not much of a person for optimism either, so I understand. Thank you for telling me your thoughts on the matter.

 

[k75]

I'm a worrier and overthinker, and I tend to catastrophize like crazy. So I totally understand where you're coming from right now. But I think it helps that I'm an outsider in this situation, and based on the facts, I'm seeing a better outcome. I really hope you get the closure you need.

 

[Haku]

I'm a worrier and overthinker, and I tend to catastrophize like crazy. So I totally understand where you're coming from right now. But I think it helps that I'm an outsider in this situation, and based on the facts, I'm seeing a better outcome. I really hope you get the closure you need.

Thank you

 

[Qdv]

Im in the process of doing this to everyone in my life as well I cant help it its not on purpose. I truly feel for you, it feels like hitting a brick wall when you think theyve actually given up and you know its youre doing. Im sorry I do hope your friend will consider your last message, take it to heart and reach back out.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Ugh, I do the exact same things. Panic, think everyone hates me, doesn't want me around. And I'm sure in this case you will be fine, but that doesn't matter. It's how the situation makes you feel that matters. It's a rough go. x

 

[Jean4]

I never had friends, so I really can't relate. However, if I did have a friend, and that friend wanted to hurt themselves, It may be possible that they didn't know what to say. Or they need time to process everything. In a way it is a good thing. You mean so much to this person, they don't know what to say or do. Your life matters to them :)

You are my friend. I don't know how I will handle it when you CTB. I never had experienced this before. Losing somebody I care about. This forum is making me deal with those feelings for the first time.

 

[Haku]

I never had friends, so I really can't relate. However, if I did have a friend, and that friend wanted to hurt themselves, It may be possible that they didn't know what to say. Or they need time to process everything. In a way it is a good thing. You mean so much to this person, they don't know what to say or do. Your life matters to them :)

You are my friend. I don't know how I will handle it when you CTB. I never had experienced this before. Losing somebody I care about. This forum is making me deal with those feelings for the first time.

Thank you Jean4 for your kind words, and I understand all to well. When I first became a member of the forum, I had no intention of making friends, or fall in love, which I didnt think that was possible anymore for me, the members of the forum have sparked those feelings within me, and like you, the forum is making me deal with those feelings, and with that, I care for quite a bit for many of these members, including you, and when you or anyone else that I care for from SS ctb, I probably will not handle it very well either. One of the first friends I made on this forum was Gorgon, and it tore me to shreds, when she ctb, I probably will feel the same way, with my friends on here who are still around, being torn up really badly. So before that day comes, when either you or I decide to ctb, I want you to know that I am glad that you were my friend, and everyone else on here that I have met.