Haku
Walking ThePathOfSorrow, destination Denebokshiri
- Oct 12, 2019
- 270
So I did one of the hardest things I ever had to, I tried to message my best friend, so I can tell him I'm going to ctb, and I know what some of you might be thinking, aren't you worried he might call someone to have you committed, no, he lives in a different state and far from me. I messaged him, and he didnt see or reply to me. 3 hours later, I check to see if he went online, looked at my message, and saw that he saw my message, and didnt reply to me, and I didnt mention what I plan to do to him yet, I wanted to tell him after he replied. I went over a year without talking to him and he kept trying to reach out. But I didnt do this to him because I was mad at him, hell, I stopped talking to everyone on my Facebook, not just him. I stopped talking to them because my life was over, for real this time, and that is when I had decided to plan to end my life, and I didnt want to tell him or anybody else about it. So I stopped just talking to everyone, and stopped posting on Facebook. 2 months ago, he messaged me again, and at that time, I had decided to do this cross country train trip through the US to my final destination, and make detours in between, in 2 different states before my final testing place, and those states, inhaled 1 friend in each state, both of whom tried to reach out to me during my hiatus. One being my best friend, and so I finally decided to reply to my best friend telling him, I'm sorry, I cant talk to you for long, and I cant tell you why just yet, but I will be planning a trip, and will be passing by your area to visit for a few hours. This will not be a having fun visit, this will be me and you just hanging out for a few hours, out to eat or something, and I have to tell you something important, then I have to go back on track to my main destination. This is all I can tell you for now, and a week before I leave on my trip, I will let you know, so we can meet up, I cant say anymore, I hope you understand, please be patient with me. It may take awhile, but I will message you before December, and he said OK and he understands. So after a month and a half later, I realized that I probably will not have enough money to do this cross country trip, and I thought about just flying out to visit for a day and then go, but will not have enough money for that either, will probably just have enough money to go to my ctb location. So I will probably not be able to see my best friend after all. I have been wanting to tell him this for 3 weeks, buy I didnt have the courage to do so. Then just a couple of days ago, a friend on the forum told me a story, similar to what I'm going through with my best friend, and kind of gave me the courage to finally send my friend a message on Facebook, to tell him everything. So I did that today, didnt logged in most of the day, then 3 hours later I checked the message I sent to him, and it said he viewed the message like forty something minutes before I checked up on it. It tore me apart, that he saw it and didnt reply, that is when it hit me, that I was too late, he probably thought I left him in the cold after my last message, and gave up on me. I told him it will be awhile for me to message back at him, but I will message back. I always keep my promises, and today was finally that day, and he probably gave up on me. I am kind of sad, but not too much. I originally planned to push him out of my life along with everyone else, not because I hated them, I did it to protect them and myself, so they wouldn't be too sad with my passing or even know about it, and so I wouldn't have to get pissed off at them if they tried to find a way to keep me around. So in the end I got the result I wanted, but he changed my mind on that, and I ended up wanting to talk and see him one last time. Now that my mind is changed, I get what I orginally wanted, but now it's hurting me, it's just another fuck you from the Universe to me, just like it always does. I just want one fucking break, that's all I want before i die, and then ctb painlessly and peacefully. But who knows if It will even give me that, or let me die, it probably will try to keep me around so it can keep torturing me. I am having difficulties getting valium from a friend, this is probably the Universe doing, and I haven't ordered my meto yet, was going to do it today, but I didnt, so will do it tomorrow for sure, but if for some reason I am unable to buy my meto from ADC, that just proves the Universe is fucking with me, and I will be forced to take my life in a not so painless and peaceful way... But anyways, I'm done complaining about the fucking Universe, I will do what i need to do if it screws me over. And here is screenshots of the message i sent my friend, and that he saw it and didnt reply. It says his first name only, and his profile pic is not him, so just letting people know, I'm not doxing him.