BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 552
But I'm still here. Alive.
Things have been strange lately.
I was going to do it last January 31 after school but then talking about it to the person I love stopped me. A few days later my former high school classmate hung himself.
I gave myself a week before today to prepare for my upcoming CTB, which I cancelled as well because of external influences (theology discussion and the chocolates and flowers that were given to me). Yesterday when I was walking to the convenience store a group of people and police officers were gathered around the corner of a building near my university. They were looking up at the building and I was curious about what happened since I saw nothing up there. I asked one of the officers and he told me that a student from my university jumped from the building. I actually saw the body behind the car near the wall of the building. The person was already dead.
And today, my friend posted on his FB that he was about to commit suicide but then his friend stopped him, and then three hours later that same friend of my friend committed and was successful in doing so. I tried checking in with him but he wasn't replying much.
Now I'm onto recovery. I think. I haven't been suicidal since Wednesday. I look back at what happened during the past few months and wondered why such *thing* existed in the first place. Maybe someday I'll know the reason for all of this. It has been rough, like REALLY rough. I won't forget what people have said to me during that time, good or bad. All I know is that if I haven't enlisted in that specific Japanese class, I wouldn't have met that certain person. But that doesn't mean that I'm not happy around him. I do think he's a wonderful friend to me. I feel a special connection to him not bound by expectations or labels.
However, I still don't ...
-love myself (but I believe that I deserve love)
-know my purpose
-know if I'll be getting the love that I desire the most
-believe that most of my *unrealistic* dreams will come true
And I still ...
-am afraid that I will relapse once again or go through something worse
-cannot erase this emptiness I feel for some reason
-cannot handle very heavy emotions, despite dealing with them for a long time
Thank you for all of your love and support. This is so far the best forum I've been in to talk about my problems. Again, thank you.
Things have been strange lately.
I was going to do it last January 31 after school but then talking about it to the person I love stopped me. A few days later my former high school classmate hung himself.
I gave myself a week before today to prepare for my upcoming CTB, which I cancelled as well because of external influences (theology discussion and the chocolates and flowers that were given to me). Yesterday when I was walking to the convenience store a group of people and police officers were gathered around the corner of a building near my university. They were looking up at the building and I was curious about what happened since I saw nothing up there. I asked one of the officers and he told me that a student from my university jumped from the building. I actually saw the body behind the car near the wall of the building. The person was already dead.
And today, my friend posted on his FB that he was about to commit suicide but then his friend stopped him, and then three hours later that same friend of my friend committed and was successful in doing so. I tried checking in with him but he wasn't replying much.
Now I'm onto recovery. I think. I haven't been suicidal since Wednesday. I look back at what happened during the past few months and wondered why such *thing* existed in the first place. Maybe someday I'll know the reason for all of this. It has been rough, like REALLY rough. I won't forget what people have said to me during that time, good or bad. All I know is that if I haven't enlisted in that specific Japanese class, I wouldn't have met that certain person. But that doesn't mean that I'm not happy around him. I do think he's a wonderful friend to me. I feel a special connection to him not bound by expectations or labels.
However, I still don't ...
-love myself (but I believe that I deserve love)
-know my purpose
-know if I'll be getting the love that I desire the most
-believe that most of my *unrealistic* dreams will come true
And I still ...
-am afraid that I will relapse once again or go through something worse
-cannot erase this emptiness I feel for some reason
-cannot handle very heavy emotions, despite dealing with them for a long time
Thank you for all of your love and support. This is so far the best forum I've been in to talk about my problems. Again, thank you.
