I was sad today

[CuddleHug]

You'd think this will be a sad thread, or at least a negative one, but you'd be wrong.

I've been so disconnected from my feelings lately that I don't even recognise them anymore. In therapy today, my psychologist said something about me that was so insanely spot on that I completely froze for a moment. It felt like forever, but I think after about a minute or so, she prodded me with "I've made you sad, haven't I?" and it took me by surprise.

After another short moment, I realised she was actually right. About both things. She must have seen it in my eyes, because the rest of my face was covered.

So, I was sad today, and I didn't even notice until she pointed it out. What a sad mess I am. At least I know now that I can feel sadness, even if I can't recognise it (yet).

Anyone got cake? I want to celebrate!

(I have a feeling I've made a similar thread before, but whatever, this is a new experience.)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

For a long time I thought I lacked emotion and couldn't connect to anyone. When my Mum was dying, I shared how I was feeling with my family and my Mum's carers. I felt grief and I cried and that was okay. Afterwards I felt strangely comforted that my emotional response had been what i regarded as healthy. I didn't get drunk, I didn't brood, but I grieved and talked about it.
Maybe it is indeed better to know you can feel something, even something bad, because that means you may have the potential to feel something good too.
Also, feelings are weird. I've found I can often feel things that would at first glance seem contradictory. This is often a feeling I've had at funerals: a profound sadness coupled with a sense of celebration and appropriateness. Not good, but right.

 

[CuddleHug]

Afterwards I felt strangely comforted that my emotional response had been what i regarded as healthy.

I wish I could say that about myself when my grandma passed, almost two years ago now. I could feel sadness somewhere within me, but I could not cry and I could not grieve. I was able to cry for a short moment at the funeral because my sister was crying next to me and used me for comfort. We were both very close to her.

I still haven't been able to grieve her, and it bothers me. It has gotten to the point where I don't think I'd feel much if someone in my family died either. I'm too close to death myself to see dying as a bad thing, I guess.

But today I felt sadness and that is always something, even if it was brief. Well, I have been feeling extra low all day, so maybe the sadness is still with me and I'm just not aware of it.

 

[CozyTime]

That's huge! You're always very kind on here so I'm surprised (and sad) that you deal with this

I grew up with a father that believes in the old fashioned "don't show any feelings except anger if you're a real man" bs and crying or feeling sadness has always been a struggle to accept so for the most part those feelings have turned into anger mostly aimed at myself but sometimes at others.
Feeling like you haven't been able to grieve is a very understandable feeling, I've felt the same and its a feeling that takes a toll on yourself and how human you think you are.

The road to start unraveling those behaviours is extremely hard as you know of course but similarly one day I just realized at one of my lowest points ever I had started crying and cried for a long time like my body had enough of the pretending to never feel sadness, bottling it up or turning it into rage. Since then I've cried a little more but not much, its a long road but I'm trying my best and it sounds like you just did a very big fucking step on that road and I'm really proud over you for that

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I wish I could say that about myself when my grandma passed, almost two years ago now. I could feel sadness somewhere within me, but I could not cry and I could not grieve. I was able to cry for a short moment at the funeral because my sister was crying next to me and used me for comfort. We were both very close to her.

I'm sorry about your gran. When my Dad died, I didn't deal with it well. I just drank and got ill. It took me years to become properly functional again and even now I suffer the physical complications of the damage I did. It was the first time I'd witnessed death and it shook me.
Grief does need to come out and be processed with time. The only way I've found to do this properly is by being open and honest with friends and family. And time. And if you don't feel it, there are reasons for that which need to be explored as part of the process. It can't be rushed and has no timetable and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I've been so disconnected from my feelings lately that I don't even recognise them anymore. In therapy today, my psychologist said something about me that was so insanely spot on that I completely froze for a moment. It felt like forever, but I think after about a minute or so, she prodded me with "I've made you sad, haven't I?"

Wow. That gave me goosebumps. I'm a bit jealous. I wish I could find someone I could be that comfortable with. I'm tired of the stupid facade/armor I wear. I want to be vulnerable and be taken seriously, too.

...I'm sorry. It really is wonderful that you had such an intimate moment in therapy. It sounds like it was a breakthrough :) How are you feeling today?

 

[CuddleHug]

Wow. That gave me goosebumps. I'm a bit jealous. I wish I could find someone I could be that comfortable with. I'm tired of the stupid facade/armor I wear. I want to be vulnerable and be taken seriously, too.

...I'm sorry. It really is wonderful that you had such an intimate moment in therapy. It sounds like it was a breakthrough :) How are you feeling today?

It was a breakthrough in a literal way. She broke through my armour. I've seen her for about a year now and this was the first time I let my guard down. She is great, definitely a good match for me. We'll see if this was a one-time thing or if I'll be able to open up more. I hope you could find someone like her, too.

Honestly, I don't know how I feel again. Most of the time I'm just... empty. Wish I had something more positive to say. It did give me a bit of hope, though. I'm not completely lost in my darkness.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It was a breakthrough in a literal way. She broke through my armour. I've seen her for about a year now and this was the first time I let my guard down. She is great, definitely a good match for me. We'll see if this was a one-time thing or if I'll be able to open up more. I hope you could find someone like her, too.

Honestly, I don't know how I feel again. Most of the time I'm just... empty. Wish I had something more positive to say. It did give me a bit of hope, though. I'm not completely lost in my darkness.

It's okay. Feelings are confusing. A lot of the time I'm not sure if I'm numb or just unable to name my emotions. It's difficult but at least you're in therapy :)

This kind of goes without saying but don't try to force anything (or feel you must). Healing is a slow process and it's important to go at your body's pace.