Venting I was just let go from my work

[Lotus]

I was just let go from my work. On Christmas Eve. I'm completely shattered. My life was a complete mess before this happened, and I was planning to CTB. Now I'm at a point in life where I just can't recover. I'm crying my eyes out, and I feel so worthless and that everything in my life is my fault. I'm so tired of living. I feel so humiliated. I want to end it so badly. What have I done in life to be treated so badly?

I've cleaned my apartment, made a hotel reservation, but I'm waiting to receive the last part of preparatiens for SN method. It's stuck in the mail. Thanks Christmas... I'm supposed to spend Christmas Eve with my sister. I've told what happened to my mother and my sister, but they don't seem to understand the impact this has on me. And I feel like I have to suppress my feelings. All I can think about is CTB. I just want to let go and never exist again.

 

[SlackJim]

that sounds tough, why do you feel like you have to suppress your feeling around your family? have you tried being honest, is it fear of them knowing too much and trying to intervene?

 

[Lotus]

that sounds tough, why do you feel like you have to suppress your feeling around your family? have you tried being honest, is it fear of them knowing too much and trying to intervene?

Yes, I try to be completely honest. But they just say that I can't let this destroy me and that I just have to move on without processing what's happened. I feel like I'm not allowed to have the feelings that I have.

 

[SlackJim]

Yes, I try to be completely honest. But they just say that I can't let this destroy me and that I just have to move on without processing what's happened. I feel like I'm not allowed to have the feelings that I have.

yeah its very difficult, most people don't understand, I'm very lucky that I know 1 or 2 people in a similar situation as myself, who I can talk openly with. do you speak to anyone else, or see a counsellor?

 

[Lotus]

yeah its very difficult, most people don't understand, I'm very lucky that I know 1 or 2 people in a similar situation as myself, who I can talk openly with. do you speak to anyone else, or see a counsellor?

Yes, I have the best psychiatrist I could have, but he's on holiday. I won't see him in about two weeks. I wish him a calm and uninterrupted holiday, but I need him so badly right now. I feel so selfish.

I'm happy that you have someone that understands your situation. I don't, so I feel completely alone about this.

 

[Lotus1818]

Can I ask what your job was?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I completely understand about not being allowed to have the feelings you have. Others just aren't able to grasp how bad it is for us. Just yesterday my Mom told me life is a gift.

 

[Bleak Stoic]

Yes it definitely sucks losing work.

I deal with chronic unemployment due to brain injury and mental illness.

 

[Kassender]

Im sorry :(
I was let go from mine as well, on friday.
This sucks so much.

Ive been feeling for a while that i was just meant to be a punching bag.
A npc in everyone's life

I just told everyone too, but it's no big deal

To be fair, were all having a shit year and i dont really know what id like to hear.
Nothing would really make me feel better...

This Just made me more resolved.

Ill just try to chill i guess...especially if its the last time :)

I hope things resolve for you, though...

 

[lymbo]

I was just let go from my work. On Christmas Eve. I'm completely shattered. My life was a complete mess before this happened, and I was planning to CTB. Now I'm at a point in life where I just can't recover. I'm crying my eyes out, and I feel so worthless and that everything in my life is my fault. I'm so tired of living. I feel so humiliated. I want to end it so badly. What have I done in life to be treated so badly?

I've cleaned my apartment, made a hotel reservation, but I'm waiting to receive the last part of preparatiens for SN method. It's stuck in the mail. Thanks Christmas... I'm supposed to spend Christmas Eve with my sister. I've told what happened to my mother and my sister, but they don't seem to understand the impact this has on me. And I feel like I have to suppress my feelings. All I can think about is CTB. I just want to let go and never exist again.

What was your job?

 

[LittleJem]

My sick leave from work due to mental illness has just ended - so I am also not working.

Families don't really want to hear it and they don't usually understand - am in the same boat. I was asked not to talk about looking into assisted dying - as you know, it's Christmas. So I get to be alone with thinking about it :)

 

[Lotus]

Im sorry :(
I was let go from mine as well, on friday.
This sucks so much.

Ive been feeling for a while that i was just meant to be a punching bag.
A npc in everyone's life

I just told everyone too, but it's no big deal

To be fair, were all having a shit year and i dont really know what id like to hear.
Nothing would really make me feel better...

This Just made me more resolved.

Merry christmas anyway
Lets just try to chill i guess...especially if its the last time :)

I hope things resolve for you, though...

I'm sorry that you also lost your job. I can relate so much to being a punching bag. I feel that I have no self worth, and that others also are of that perception. They are so cold to me, and thinks that it's alright to beat me down till I don't have any energy to live anymore.

Thank you for your support. I will however try to be as calm as I can be for the next days until I decide to let go. I don't want to by angry, sad or bitter when I CTB.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. What a horribly unfair thing to happen.. and on Christmas Eve... I'm really sorry, that's terribly messed up & I hope that you can still try to make the best of your Christmas Eve w/your sister. My heart goes out to you. I could feel how it shattered you in your words. Wishing you a happy holidays despite.

 

[Lotus]

My sick leave from work due to mental illness has just ended - so I am also not working.

Families don't really want to hear it and they don't usually understand - am in the same boat. I was asked not to talk about looking into assisted dying - as you know, it's Christmas. So I get to be alone with thinking about it :)

I know. I feel like I'm just getting cut off before I open my mouth to share my feelings. At least I have this community. I hope you also feel some comfort to it.

 

[LittleJem]

I know. I feel like I'm just getting cut off before I open my mouth to share my feelings. At least I have this community. I hope you also feel some comfort to it.

My dad asked me how I was the other day.

I said, I just want to die.

He said, shut up, I don't want to hear it!

I know he means well - and yep, he doesn't want to hear it. That is why I call the Samaritans.

I don't want to tell my family this all the time, but I do tell them to say goodbye to me in case I CTB. So they are all pre-warned.

 

[Lotus]

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. What a horribly unfair thing to happen.. and on Christmas Eve... I'm really sorry, that's terribly messed up & I hope that you can still try to make the best of your Christmas Eve w/your sister. My heart goes out to you. I could feel how it shattered you in your words. Wishing you a happy holidays despite.

Thank you for your warm thoughts. I just can't believe that they chose Christmas Eve of all days to do it. I think I would have handled it better if my mental state was better and more stable, but since I have been thinking of CTB for a long time now, this is the final straw.

My dad asked me how I was the other day.

I said, I just want to die.

He said, shut up, I don't want to hear it!

I know he means well - and yep, he doesn't want to hear it. That is why I call the Samaritans.

I don't want to tell my family this all the time, but I do tell them to say goodbye to me in case I CTB. So they are all pre-warned.

Yes, that's what my mother also says. She was told about my CTB date when I was admitted to the hospital, but she's not willing to talk to me about it. At least she's prepared, but I'm not feeling good about it.

Sorry to hear that your dad is likewise. I also know that my mother means well, but my CTB plans won't go away by not talking about it.

 

[Morphosis]

I was just let go from my work. On Christmas Eve. I'm completely shattered.

Me too @Lotus and @Kassender. Have had the shittiest year ever and the whole process has dragged on for months and finally got the boot just in time for Christmas. Bastards.
I'm sorry you've both had to experience the same thing

 

[Lotus]

Me too @Lotus and @Kassender. Have had the shittiest year ever and the whole process has dragged on for months and finally got the boot just in time for Christmas. Bastards.
I'm sorry you've both had to experience the same thing

I'm so sorry this has happened to you as well. I wish you the best.

I think that the employer often forget that they are dealing with a person, and that their decisions can affect him or her in ways they can't imagine. It seems so cold hearted.

 

[Final Escape]

If it makes u feel any better most people are going to be losing their jobs real soon because we are on the brink of the next economic crisis. None of the problems have been fixed or changed since what caused the housing crash of 08. So all the gov has done is print more money backed by nothing. Which means that everyone is getting poorer and poorer because of the meddling in how the economy should normally work. Many businesses will not be able to pay the workers and more pple will be let go. This is why I've felt unsure about leaving my current shitty work because at least I'm self employed so I can't be fired or let go but I'll still be effected if I keep using the USD as it will become worthless real soon.

It's already lost 98% of its original value, so imagine how much richer u would be if the money was at 100% of its original value. I'm sorry u are going through this, if u do try to work in some form try to do something where u can work independently don't worry about business license or regulations this about fucking survival. So if u have some type of skill or ability it doesn't have to be a complex thing, find a way to advertise and start doing a little side gig. That's really the best advice I can give. I know u are freaking out right now but just relax and give yourself some time to get over this. Initially it's a shock and devastating but after a bit you will process it and be able to see other options. You are not a failure, please don't internalize what happened like it's a reflection on your ability or something.

 

[dreaf]

same lost my job to on the 23 dec, merry cristmas to me ^^

 

[Lotus]

same lost my job to on the 23 dec, merry cristmas to me ^^

We seem to be quite a few in this position. I'm sorry that this happened to you.

I'm having an awful time right now. My sister is trying her best to make it nice, but I'm just longing to get home and get under the blanket. I can't be mentally there. All I think about is how badly I want to CTB. I want to be alone.

I will have to see if I can get the rest of the stuff to SN elsewhere instead of waiting for the mail to arrive.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear this
im about to lose my job as well, things are not looking well at all and I know I'm going to be out of a job. Even more reason to end things
Peace/hugs

 

[Lotus]

Sorry to hear this ❤
im about to lose my job as well, things are not looking well at all and I know I'm going to be out of a job. Even more reason to end things
Peace/hugs

So sorry to hear that.

My evening got a lot worse. I knew that my mother new about my CTB plans, but my sister wasn't aware of all the details - until now. Christmas Eve went from awful to a complete disaster. At least I'm all by myself now. I can try to calm down. I took a couple of benzos and a sleeping pill, so hopefully that will make it easier tonight. Then I will wake up to yet another terrible morning. I can't wait to make it all stop.

Thanks for all the support I have got. It really means a lot to me.

 

[Lotus]

I don't know if I'm being precautious or a little bit paranoid. It could be a combination of both. I have seen ghe ambulance and police cars driving around in my neighbourhood and stopped right outside of my apartment. My heart is beating so hard when I see them. I have a feeling that I have to hide, but I really don't cause any dramatic scene. After being there for a about an hour, they police offisers finally left. Thank God the police has other things to do on Christmas Eve. I'm just probably paranoid after the previous daramatic events with the police. I just don't whant the traumatic avvents with the police earlier to to occur again Now it' suprosingl calm, even though I have checked the windows several thimes for polce cars and doctor.

For those of you who aren't familiarized with my story
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-was-tracked-by-the-police.28294/
I's started with a few benzos yester day and sleeping pill. Now 'm up till 4 benzos and 6 strong sleeping pills. I know I will your CTB ny this, but I feel good being drowsny and feeling like I only have way exists.

 

[BlueWidow]

Yes, I have the best psychiatrist I could have, but he's on holiday. I won't see him in about two weeks. I wish him a calm and uninterrupted holiday, but I need him so badly right now. I feel so selfish.

I remember this feeling. You would need to talk to your doctor, but because it was a holiday, no one would be able to get in touch with them. I understand the doctors need holidays as well, but it would seem like the time you needed them the most was a time when they were not reachable. I don't understand why it happens that way, but it seems to.
I'm sorry you're going through this at all, but particularly sorry you're going through it during the holidays when you're expected to act happy and like nothing is bothering you.
I'm hoping you can find a way to at least have a tolerable holiday. Wishing you love and peace.

 

[Lotus]

If it makes u feel any better most people are going to be losing their jobs real soon because we are on the brink of the next economic crisis. None of the problems have been fixed or changed since what caused the housing crash of 08. So all the gov has done is print more money backed by nothing. Which means that everyone is getting poorer and poorer because of the meddling in how the economy should normally work. Many businesses will not be able to pay the workers and more pple will be let go. This is why I've felt unsure about leaving my current shitty work because at least I'm self employed so I can't be fired or let go but I'll still be effected if I keep using the USD as it will become worthless real soon.

It's already lost 98% of its original value, so imagine how much richer u would be if the money was at 100% of its original value. I'm sorry u are going through this, if u do try to work in some form try to do something where u can work independently don't worry about business license or regulations this about fucking survival. So if u have some type of skill or ability it doesn't have to be a complex thing, find a way to advertise and start doing a little side gig. That's really the best advice I can give. I know u are freaking out right now but just relax and give yourself some time to get over this. Initially it's a shock and devastating but after a bit you will process it and be able to see other options. You are not a failure, please don't internalize what happened like it's a reflection on your ability or something.

That is so wise, and I've would have said the exact same thing to other people in that stuation. A little background info; my fater sexually abused over about a decade in my childhood. At 15 I decided that this wasn't going to defeat me. I would block it out and never think about it again (not so clever looking back at it now, but I was just 15 and struggling to know who I was). My defence mechanism was to do well in school. My only goal to live was to perform well, and that is who I was. Anyone would be describing me like that. Teachers liked me and gave me so many compliments, and I felt like my achievements were possible. I wasn't OK at that time, but I could function. I got into the best school in my country. And that was all that mattered to me. Function and achieve. But know, all of that is taken away from me, and I have lost everything that I am. I feel like an emptiless shell, just trying to hold on of what's left. There's no will to continue in misery.

But thank you so much for making a long post, and telling me I'm not a failure. I wish those words mattered to me, but they unfortunately don't. I do however appriciate to share your insight and thoughts.

I remember this feeling. You would need to talk to your doctor, but because it was a holiday, no one would be able to get in touch with them. I understand the doctors need holidays as well, but it would seem like the time you needed them the most was a time when they were not reachable. I don't understand why it happens that way, but it seems to.
I'm sorry you're going through this at all, but particularly sorry you're going through it during the holidays when you're expected to act happy and like nothing is bothering you.
I'm hoping you can find a way to at least have a tolerable holiday. Wishing you love and peace.

I think I did a very bad and selfish thing. I ended up writing my psychiatrist an email to his work adress. I know that he only reads it when his in office, and he had also turned on an automatic response that he will be away until the 6th and not read any messages before this time. Therefore, I was not expecting him to read my email until January, but to my surprise he did. I feel so ashamed that he had to spend time at Christmas Eve dealing with my stupid self. I meant every word of my email to him, and I wasn't asking him to do anything for me. But it was enough for him to get worried about me. Yes, that is me, ruining Christmas eve for myself, my siser and my psychiatrist. It was not my intention at all that he would read it yesterday, so I feel a little humiliated and that I've should of waited for a few more days until my DTB date is here. We usually concatc each other with SMS and telephone calls, so that's why I chose email this time, in combination that I thought he wouldn't read it for about two weeks.

Sorry for all of this jabbering. Thank you for your support and hugs @BlueWidow . I'm hoping you have a better holiday than I am.