My ex and I spilt a year ago. He cheated and left me. He's moving out now because it's been made clear to him he doesn't have control anymore, and he can't handle watching me distance from him and not give in to his gaslighting about history and manipulation. He told the kids he is being force out of his home and wishes he didn't have to leave. In reality I openly and regularly tell him he is welcome here and I would be civil, polite, and helpful but that I don't have any romantic interest in him. He told my son he's leaving because mommy doesn't love him and he cried at me for days about now perfect everything was between despite the fact that he was stonewalling and neglecting mine and kids needs for weeks. He's made himself the victim and is using kids as pawns to push his agenda when all he needs to do is be civil. This persons narcissism has made me want to die for so long. I just want him out of my life but he holds all the cards. I'm so upset by his bs, but also not surprised at all. He's always the fucking victim in everything no matter what.
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I'm so sorry to hear this, you are such a blessing to this forum and I know you must love your children so much. It breaks my heart that this man's actions have had such a negative impact that it literally makes you want to die. At least he is leaving, if he manipulating the children that is bad for their health as well. My mom stayed with her Narcissist husband and it left me with a personality disorder, terrified of people and unable to connect. I don't resent her, because I understand she was being manipulated too, but I know my mental health would be much better if I didn't have that constant emotional violence to contend with. It is brave to set those boundaries for you and your kids. If he is going to put his needs not only before yours but also those of the children he isn't safe for you guys to be around. I hope you guys can enjoy that freedom from harmful and unhealthy energy. Is there anything we on this forum can do to help you? What are your needs?
Lilacmoon
Beautiful moon, take me away.
- Sep 23, 2020
- 1,308
This tends to be how it is for manipulative abusive exes, doesn't it? It's always about them and their face and nothing else. You deserve better, Rosey, but I'm also glad that he's leaving. Have all the hugs and love, because you're always giving that out for everyone. And snacks too! You're one of the best here :(
Thank you for your kindness. I know nobody can help I'm just distressed. He did what narcissists do twisting, blaming, and distressing their victims then left with the older 2 but left the baby with me since he knew he pushed me to the point of impulsively suicidal but I wouldn't with baby here. He's a fucking monster.
He's having a tantrum and trying to cause harm. I expected this.... it's still awful. Thank you guys for being here I would be alone otherwise.
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Lost in a Dream
He/him - Metal head
- Feb 22, 2020
- 1,805
I'm sorry that you had to be unfortunate enough to have a narcissist in your life. They seem so nice and caring at first, but once they have wormed their way in, you realize what a POS they really are, but then it's too late to keep them out. Hopefully you can find a way to get him out of your life so you don't have to deal with this anymore. You're always so supportive of everyone here and you definitely deserve a better and happier life for yourself.
I obviously can't make the decision for you, but I think the best thing for you is to document document document, and do whatever you can do get your children and yourself away from him. I understand that in this moment he does have parental rights, so you couldn't stop him from taking them but it doesn't sound like they are safe with him long term, just like you weren't. It's important for all of you to get to safe place free of manipulation.
Deleted member 19654
Working towards recovery.
- Jul 9, 2020
- 1,627
I'm sorry for the bullshit you have to deal with regarding your ex. You're always around to comfort, support and help other SS members. I wish there was more I could do to help you. You deserve so much better.
There isn't anything to document unfortunately. He's the manipulative type not the violent or creepy type.
We have kids I'm so fucked. That's why I came here in the first place. They use the kids as a link to keep the control, and if he isn't abusive there is nothing to prove.
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MiseryLovesMyCompany
Arcanist
- Oct 8, 2020
- 482
Oh my god I am so sorry to hear that. I can't really have a better input on this than others before me. I just want you to know that you have all my sympathy and I can't believe how much these people manipulate, especially that he made you suicidal. His sin is unforgivable and I hope that you will feel at least a bit better with him gone. Although him manipulating your children must break your heart as well. However, even if this is the case now, years later when they will be able to asses the everything better, I'm sure they'll understand his intentions and that you really care about them and that this was not your fault but his. The whole situation must be devastating and I'm sorry that I'm not really good with words nor emotional support.
Thank you, I know things are coming to a head. People like him always make a big show when the party ends. I know I just need to get through this last critical point with him and he will have no more control. Thank you guys I'm calming down... ugh he is awful.
Deleted member 17949
Visionary
- May 9, 2020
- 2,238
Using kids to attack you, truly the classic evil ex move right there. Sadly this is always a possible consequence in a breakup of this kind. Your ex will probably milk the victim role as much as possible which sucks. Best thing you can do is communicate the situation to your kids in a way that is as neutral and understandable as possible so that they can process the situation, which I'm sure will be stressful for both you and them. You might not be able to stop your ex from spouting bs but by keeping the stress as low as possible for the kids you'll have a chance to better manage any of their emotions and avoid any resentment or awkwardness.
I tell them that though daddy feels uncomfortable I never asked him to leave, and tell him he is welcome here. It is his choice where he lives, and he is not being forced out.... in the end though kids are going to feel for the "victim" parent.
Sinkinshyp
Paragon
- Sep 7, 2020
- 947
I'm so sorry Rosey for all he has put you through. What a disgusting person to use the kids the way he is. It sounds like he needs to grow up, stop using those kids the way he is- does he not care that he is potentially screwing them up? and accept responsibility he caused all this with his choice to cheat. I'm here if you need an ear Rosey, don't be shy about shooting me a mail.
My ex cheated- His cheating began when I was pregnant with our son. I had thyroid cancer at 18 and thyroid is big for infertility. My older son I had a perfect pregnancy without issues at 20. After my older son I had 2 miscarriages and was told due to the thyroid I could most likely never have anymore children. When I got pregnant with D my younger son I think we were about 14 weeks I began a miscarriage. They could not find his heartbeat nor him only the placental sac. You have a hormone called HCG it's supposed to be at certain levels at each point of your pregnancy. It also doubles each day. Mine was going down. They tried a new experimental med on me and I was on total rest. It obviously worked my younger son is here. But to avoid a miscarriage sex was off limits. I found out 2 months before my son was born he was cheating. While I don't have actual proof it was things I found on his computer (dating sites, private lingerie showing in towns he was working in-aka whore houses more ) and his actions with my ex sister in law (my bros 2nd wife) my ex did end up marrying my brothers ex girlfriend. Due to his possibility of being with a prostitute we had a sexless relationship for years. I for sure did not want some disease. I stayed in the relationship - he worked out of town all week, we didn't argue and I thought it was best for my younger son to have both his parents. It was a torturous existence with him. I loved him and couldn't figure out why I was not enough. I can say after we split up totally I was much happier.
I know what you are going through and I am so very sorry you are being put through this. Don't be shy about reaching out I am here. Sending you hugs and love @RoseyBird
My ex cheated- His cheating began when I was pregnant with our son. I had thyroid cancer at 18 and thyroid is big for infertility. My older son I had a perfect pregnancy without issues at 20. After my older son I had 2 miscarriages and was told due to the thyroid I could most likely never have anymore children. When I got pregnant with D my younger son I think we were about 14 weeks I began a miscarriage. They could not find his heartbeat nor him only the placental sac. You have a hormone called HCG it's supposed to be at certain levels at each point of your pregnancy. It also doubles each day. Mine was going down. They tried a new experimental med on me and I was on total rest. It obviously worked my younger son is here. But to avoid a miscarriage sex was off limits. I found out 2 months before my son was born he was cheating. While I don't have actual proof it was things I found on his computer (dating sites, private lingerie showing in towns he was working in-aka whore houses more ) and his actions with my ex sister in law (my bros 2nd wife) my ex did end up marrying my brothers ex girlfriend. Due to his possibility of being with a prostitute we had a sexless relationship for years. I for sure did not want some disease. I stayed in the relationship - he worked out of town all week, we didn't argue and I thought it was best for my younger son to have both his parents. It was a torturous existence with him. I loved him and couldn't figure out why I was not enough. I can say after we split up totally I was much happier.
I know what you are going through and I am so very sorry you are being put through this. Don't be shy about reaching out I am here. Sending you hugs and love @RoseyBird
Deleted member 17949
Visionary
- May 9, 2020
- 2,238
I guess no matter what you say the kids are gonna be left with two parents telling them conflicting things. Again I think the absolute best thing you can do it just support the kids. The worst situation would be them getting upset and stressed over the situation which would cause them to resent you if you were blamed for it. Also keep in mind that talking to them about this will get easier as they get older. I can't promise any good outcomes but I wish for the best for you.
I'm sorry you went through all that. Nobody deserves such abuse. Cheating is such low disgusting behavior.
deadgirlahsatan
Specialist
- Jun 5, 2020
- 373
What a disgusting poor excuse for a man. So sorry u had to deal with a toxic guy. 
BipolarGuy
Enlightened
- Aug 6, 2020
- 1,456
Hey :)
People are smarter than we give them credit for. They will realise eventually.
This includes children.
If you feel you need to, speak to your children about it, but from s neutral and mature position.
I love you guys. It's really hard, lonely, and scary leaving a narcissist. This group has kept me feeling safer and valued so much over the last 10 months. I don't think I could have gotten through this alone. The final storm is always the worst. Him leaving will help a lot. I'm so much more balanced and stable away from him.
Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ I'm............
- Jul 1, 2020
- 7,031
im confused. why are you "letting" him stay.
if someone is using you and making you feel that bad they should be told to leave. no one deserves to be treated like that. even with kids in the picture. i understand not wanting to hurt the kids but leaving them in this situation has the possibility of being worse then with no dad.
I'm basically a housewife he has all the money. I don't have a choice.
Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ I'm............
- Jul 1, 2020
- 7,031
Kids don't deserve there. He makes a substantial income. He's moving out anyway. He just thinks he is the victim. He can't put me out. I'm primary caregiver and kids wouldn't stand for it, so he's leaving. Win win.. I just wish he wouldn't be so awful about it.
Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ I'm............
- Jul 1, 2020
- 7,031
well at least you recognize it for what it is. sometimes being able to tell youre being manipulated can be difficult, but by knowing you can remind yourself that what they are saying isnt true. i hope things work out for the best for you and your kids
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,726
@RoseyBird, I recognize you have come so far from where you were when you joined the forum! I can see that you've done self care, have more self-respect, are more detatched and seeing through the BS, and give far less fucks. Sending much respect.
Would you like an additional narc awareness/self-respect resource I've recently found? No worries if you say no or just ignore the question alltogether.
Would you like an additional narc awareness/self-respect resource I've recently found? No worries if you say no or just ignore the question alltogether.
Thank you, That would be greatly appropriated
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,726
Dr. Les Carter videos on YouTube. I just posted in Off Topic something I got from him, brainwashing techniques and self-help for that. A caveat, he's a little bossy. He usually says, "I want you to" and "I hope you'll." He also has a bit of a power thing with psychology, says "we" a lot about psychology stances that have been discovered or developed, but I also like that he calls himself a therapist and not a psychologist, so he's not over the top with psychology power.
For written communication with narcissists/high conflict folks, I recommend the book BIFF. There's another book by the same author, It's All Your Fault. My caveat about him is that he seems to me to talk from a privileged power/authority perspective. For instance, there were a couple of times he gave an example of someone being high conflict, but it was the person in an authority position who was actually starting the conflict (e.g., a young woman posted about getting a tattoo, her aunt posted her disapproval, others jumped in as flying monkeys for the aunt -- he called the young woman high conflict, it was her aunt.) But he gives some good tools, the BIFF method, and in the second book, the CARS method for conflict resoultion (he's a mediator with a background as a therapist and as an attorney; he's also from the metropolitan Phoenix area where I grew up, and I grew up around a lot of people with his attitudes and beliefs, pretty conservative and somewhat entitled in their power positions).
Thank you. I will look into these this evening. I appreciate the posts you've made on this topic in the time I've been here. Reading those and countless web resources helped a lot. Before learning about this type of relationship dynamic I couldn't understand why I was always wrong and why it was so hard to leave. I won't be weak anymore.
fluffymuffin
Member
- Oct 11, 2020
- 48
I'm new to this forum but I've read enough of your replies to tell that you're a lovely person who doesn't deserve being caught up in your ex's mess. It's clear that he lost his wits when you chose to distance yourself from him, because who'd he bother if you weren't around? He clearly wants to have the upper card by turning your kids against you by playing the role of the falsely accused father.
He won't be the victim for that long, He'll eventually realise that he's incapable of manipulating you or using any of his wickedness to cause you misfortune and it's enough to destroy his ego completely, narcissists aren't as strong as they pretend to and the ego he built on your suffering will shatter. I'm sure the kids aren't going to buy his bullshit and I'm sorry they have to deal with the confusion.
I'm very proud of you, Rosey. You've managed to make him resort to those pathetic tricks.
Breadbfra
Specialist
- Jul 16, 2020
- 391
MiseryLovesMyCompany
Arcanist
- Oct 8, 2020
- 482
