Hello, I just want to say how amazing everyone here is, and I'm glad that I found a place where I can talk freely about suicide without being seen crazy. I'm sorry for venting, but I can't keep this to myself and I have no one to talk to anymore.
I failed jumping 2 days ago, thanks to my damn SI, and I decided that maybe i'll give life another chance. So I asked my dad if I couple please take a gap year bc I'm so tired and literally sobbed while I talked about my mental illness for the first time. I never told anyone about it until now. I didn't expect him to understand my pain, but I never thought he'd criticize the shit out of me. He basically told me that I'm weak and I don't deserve to be depressed because I never went through any hardships in my life. I mean sure, my dad actually DID go through a lot in his life, but that doesn't give him the right to belittle my suffering. We're not even close, what does he even know about me? He thinks I've had nothing but a happy life because he buys me anything and I have never been poor. I know that I am better off than some people, and I have always been grateful for all that. but that doesn't mean I don't have problems. I'm sick of hearing words like I don't deserve to be depressed bc some people have it worse. does he know that I've been bullied my entire life? My mom died when I was 5. Does he think not having a mom had zero effect in my life bc I act tough in front of him for him? Does he know that I have trust issues and social anxiety because of all the bullying I had to go through? My childhood was nothing but trauma and I feel so sorry for myself whenever I think about it. I'm not surprised how fucked up I am. He'll never understand that I can't help my depression. Not everyone gets depression bc a major event happened. And he told me that life is full of shit and I'm not the only one suffering so get over it. He actually said he's jealous of my dead mom. Wow, thanks a lot dad. What a helpful thing to say to someone who just tried to jump. What's the big deal with taking a gap year anyway? Nearly everyone around me takes it at least once in college and when I told him about it he just said they are weaklings. Hah. I am literally at loss of words. Now I don't even feel safe in my home anymore. But I can't go back to college either. (I live in a dorm. College isn't the main reason I want to ctb but being there just makes my thoughts even worse) I actually had to book a hotel near my home yesterday because I couldn't stand being with him. I've never felt so miserable. All I wanted was a little support and this is what I get... I wish I could take every word I said back. I know it's stupid to ctb to guilt trip someone, but his words makes me want to die just to prove him wrong lol. I'm sorry for saying some terrible things about my own dad but I can't help but feel so angry right now. I really wish I had a maternal figure whom I could depend on right now... maybe if I finally succeed to ctb i'll finally meet her if afterlife even exist.
I failed jumping 2 days ago, thanks to my damn SI, and I decided that maybe i'll give life another chance. So I asked my dad if I couple please take a gap year bc I'm so tired and literally sobbed while I talked about my mental illness for the first time. I never told anyone about it until now. I didn't expect him to understand my pain, but I never thought he'd criticize the shit out of me. He basically told me that I'm weak and I don't deserve to be depressed because I never went through any hardships in my life. I mean sure, my dad actually DID go through a lot in his life, but that doesn't give him the right to belittle my suffering. We're not even close, what does he even know about me? He thinks I've had nothing but a happy life because he buys me anything and I have never been poor. I know that I am better off than some people, and I have always been grateful for all that. but that doesn't mean I don't have problems. I'm sick of hearing words like I don't deserve to be depressed bc some people have it worse. does he know that I've been bullied my entire life? My mom died when I was 5. Does he think not having a mom had zero effect in my life bc I act tough in front of him for him? Does he know that I have trust issues and social anxiety because of all the bullying I had to go through? My childhood was nothing but trauma and I feel so sorry for myself whenever I think about it. I'm not surprised how fucked up I am. He'll never understand that I can't help my depression. Not everyone gets depression bc a major event happened. And he told me that life is full of shit and I'm not the only one suffering so get over it. He actually said he's jealous of my dead mom. Wow, thanks a lot dad. What a helpful thing to say to someone who just tried to jump. What's the big deal with taking a gap year anyway? Nearly everyone around me takes it at least once in college and when I told him about it he just said they are weaklings. Hah. I am literally at loss of words. Now I don't even feel safe in my home anymore. But I can't go back to college either. (I live in a dorm. College isn't the main reason I want to ctb but being there just makes my thoughts even worse) I actually had to book a hotel near my home yesterday because I couldn't stand being with him. I've never felt so miserable. All I wanted was a little support and this is what I get... I wish I could take every word I said back. I know it's stupid to ctb to guilt trip someone, but his words makes me want to die just to prove him wrong lol. I'm sorry for saying some terrible things about my own dad but I can't help but feel so angry right now. I really wish I had a maternal figure whom I could depend on right now... maybe if I finally succeed to ctb i'll finally meet her if afterlife even exist.
