Venting I was almost entirely a waste to everyone I encountered in life. And now I am trapped.

[Grumpy Bear]

I believe it's true. I was a waste of love, effort, resources, time — EVERYTHING! I hope one day humans evolve to have a sixth sense to detect if someone will likely be a waste in that they won't make good decisions or reciprocate positivity in any way.

I want to CTB soon. Here's my problem though … I will have to do it in a hotel because staff here don't deserve to come across my body. They don't deserve that after the effort they put into me even though they have done some unethical actions. The problem with leaving the facility to CTB in a hotel is I am afraid that if I fail they won't re-admit me. I've been nothing but trouble at this facility so I am almost positive they won't re-admit me upon a failed attempt to CTB. Without this facility I have absolutely nothing left. I am a coward whether I CTB or not. If I CTB then I was too much of a coward to continue life. If I don't CTB then I was a coward to not end suffering in a hopeless situation.

 

[The Lonely]

I think you're doing your best and you will be recognized about this.
Sending hugs :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Sorry to hear you are suffering so much, it can be hard to be trapped in a hopeless situation. I wish you well.

 

[suisuiforum]

I don't believe you're a coward at all, since SI is truly a force to be reckoned with. Even when the world has failed us so drastically and hasn't given us any reason to continue staying alive, it's still difficult to overcome an ingrained fear of death from centuries of evolution.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

You seem very hard on yourself Grumpy Bear. I don't know your situation but remember that can be a symptom of depression. A waste of space to me wouldn't be concerned about others like you are

 

[mossyfox]

I hear you. waste of space. trapped. same here; I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. I hope you find your peace.

 

[meetapple]

This is probably the hardest decision one can eve make. I feel like I am beyond repair from years of trying unsuccessfully to integrate into society. But I would worry about how my parents would react if I CTB.