Venting I wanted to talk about my feelings, but I realized something.

[Pancake]

I've read a few threads on here, mostly threads about teetering on the decision, and so I've decided to write my own.

Thinking about CTB occupies most of my time lately, I haven't done school work in weeks and eating is a hassle. I lay in bed all day, watch YouTube, and read manga. I have nothing to look forward to, blah blah blah.

While writing this I realize I can never put into words what I want to say. I intended to talk about what I do day to day and how it makes me feel. Though after only writing three sentences I blanked, lost track of what I wanted to say, and gave up. It would've been so easy to just say that my inane, boring life makes me feel lonely and depressed. But I couldn't say it, I wish I could say it. I wish someone could reach into my mind and say the words for me. I want to say it, I want to take my troubles to some kind and benevolent soul so that maybe the bus wouldn't tempt me so much anymore. But I also gave up on that.

I'm awful in arguments. I don't like standing up for myself, it's more trouble than it's worth. More often than not, on the rare occasion I do win an argument I would feel more terrible than if I lost. So I stopped trying. Thankfully, my friends were great. Though they liked picking on me, when I inevitably lost arguments with them they never villainized me. Then I wasn't friends with them anymore. Different schools. I met new people and they were the edgier kind of people. They didn't like it when people were wrong. Whenever they were wrong, they got defensive and argumentative. They laughed off their own mistakes while taking a massive crap on the mistakes of others. Double standards were rampant and it stank of hypocrisy. I don't like recalling what happened between us, but I'm sure you can imagine.

I don't want to write anymore. I'll just post this.

 

[Maple Shokyo]

Hi friend, I'm new here and I relate to being awful in arguments a ton. I'm the most conflict averse person I know, and will do almost anything to get out of arguing with people if I can

 

[butterfly.ashes]

I really simpatize with your situation, you're not alone feeling this emptiness and this powerlessness about the world and the situations we stand in. It's really hard to put those feelings into words and telling others about it it's even harder, just for writing this you're brave!
The only thing that I can recommend if helps you to show those feelings is art, any kind. It doesn't matter if does not "look good", it's a part of you that you decided to put out in the world
Hoping for better days for you, I did really understand what you're trying to say and I just wish I could hug you

 

[shinohara]

I also understand not being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to others, I think that's partially why therapy and "reaching out to others" never really helped. Posting on here is even a struggle, taking forever to sort out my thoughts through text, only to delete most, if not all of it, when I realize I'm rambling

 

[kindalone]

I understand that problem. It was the reason I couldn't get help years ago when I talked to a counselor. I was severely struggling with my mental health and wrote an email to one of the mental health services at my uni at the time. I was freaking out. When I finally went to the appointment, I couldn't express myself properly. I would even say I put up a front so she could not see how bad the situation was. In the end, she was able to ease my suffering by making the problems I've had sound banale and insignificant. I've felt better that day. But in the long run it fucked me up. I only realize now that things were already severe at the time. But because I was used to hiding my problems and didn't want to make a big deal out of things, I never got the help that I needed. It truly sucks.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there Pancake. It's a pleasure to meet you. Glad to see you speaking your mind, even if it feels awkward and uncomfortable right now. The short version of what I want to say to you is 'keep at it, it's worth it', but by itself that's just an empty platitude. So lemme back that up.

We've actually got a fair bit in common, it looks like. If I'm being honest, your average day sounds an awful lot like mine. I mean, sure, I hold down a job. I eat, get dressed, shower every once in a while. I pay my bills, sometimes even on time. But that's a pretty low bar to set for a functioning adult. The truth is, most days when I get home, I do most of the same things you do. I lay around in bed, playing videogames on my steam deck (Elden Ring, at present). If I don't feel like doing that, I watch YouTube for hours, most of the time not even searching for anything in particular. Just 'seeing' a thing, then checking the recommended feed for the next quasi-interesting thing to pass the time. I check for updates to the webcomics I follow. I read manga (Hajime no Ippo, if you please). And all of this while I can barely move through my house due to all the trash and clutter that's piled up in and between rooms, and a load of soaking dishes rusts in my kitchen sink, as it has for...9 months now, give or take. Fun fact: when I need a plate, I scrub one off in the bathroom sink. It's humiliating.

Like you, I also dislike conflict. Intensely. I grew up surrounded by it, all the time. My mom and each of the three men I got to see in her life (the second one being my dad, long story) would have vicious fights whenever they argued, and it always seemed like they were deliberately aiming to be as vindictive and cutting as possible. I wanted no part of that, I don't wanna hurt anyone, so my solution was to just avoid conflict in the first place. I still dodge it like the plague every chance I get, because I don't want to turn into that bitter, venomous person I always saw when anyone else was fighting. Not wishing to offend or upset people makes this even worse, to the point where I have to be very, very angry indeed to even so much as say a cross word.

And I also get how difficult it can be to talk about those feelings. There's so much that other people just wouldn't get without the proper context. It can feel impossible to elucidate everything about your lived experience that made you this way, it would take hours. So you try to summarize, attempt to convey volumes worth of history and trauma and frustration and loss in a paragraph or two, gloss over the details lest you ramble endlessly, and the resulting story just feels so inane. I'm depressed and I can't do my homework or clean my house. Feels like so much whiny drivel in the shorthand, though it describes a magnitude of suffering over many long years.

The fact is, you're not going to be able to say all of it. There is no earthly way you are ever going to be able to convey the depth of what you feel, the numbness of what you don't, and the hollow frustration and dread of not knowing what to do about it. It's too big and too complex. But you don't have to. The people who've been there, the ones who know what it's like? They'll recognize your pain from miles away. Even if you stumble over the words or don't know where to even begin, they'll see the shape of what it is you're trying to say.

And with any luck, they'll tell you not to discount your own experience, or undermine yourself in your attempts to express it. It's much bigger and more meaningful than you give it credit for, and it's worth talking about and trying to share. Because the people who identify with what you're going through will have your back.

Welcome to the forum, Pancake. Tell us more when you feel up to it. We're here.

 

[Sparr0w]

i absolutely relate to not knowing what to say / being unable to express my problems in words. i know that my friends and family would never judge me for reaching out, but i still have a mental block involving talking about... well, anything past "yeah my mental health is shit haha"

i also get feeling worse after arguements, except i can't seem to keep my mouth shut... urgh, i always want to write out 9 paragraphs with sources even though i know their response is gonna be "too long didnt read, my views are religious/"common sense" so actually ill never think logically abt this :/ fuck you".
bonus points if i end up never responding back bc i get too anxious abt it and the other side thinks theyve won )X

but yeah, nice to meet you! i hope you find happiness, no matter if it takes the form of a bus or recovery :)

what kind of manga do you read? i have a huge soft spot for villainess manga even though they're nearly all shit... lol

 

[Pancake]

The fact is, you're not going to be able to say all of it.

Hi. And thanks for welcoming me. Maybe I don't have to say all of what I feel. But I feel like if I don't convey my feelings concisely, I'd be telling half-truths. And the more lies I tell, the more I delude myself into thinking that I'm something I'm not.

You encapsulated my problem perfectly though... And it feels nice having someone to relate to. Thank you.

what kind of manga do you read?

I like reading all sorts of manga. Though, if you gave me any fluffy and cozy manga, I'd read it in a heartbeat. Like "Rinjin-chan ga Shinpai" :D. I also liked reading villainess stuff, like "The One Within the Villainess".