SuicidalAgain
Dummy
- Sep 9, 2020
- 107
I left this forum for a while because I wanted to recover.
I think I wanted to recover because I met with friends who kind of inspired me to want to live. Hanging out with them was nice. They have their problems too but they carry on, and there I was acting all defeatist. My life could probably be turned around if someone else was behind the wheel, but I just find everything to be so overwhelming. I love to stay home and playing games and I joke about how games are my life support, but it's not really a joke, it's the truth. Without them I'd have to face reality, go out into this soul crushing world and feel overwhelmed all the time. Or I could kill myself.
Last year there was a course I "wanted" to enroll in, but it didn't open for lack of students. While on this recovery mindset I remembered to try again this year and it seems it will open this year. I would have to go on an interview, would need to drive to another city everyday and it would be incredibly expensive for my mom. With this chronic depression, I am afraid to try it. It will sneak back into my life and take away my will to do things, my ability to concentrate... And sure, I could "fight it", but it would still be very hard. Quitting would not be an option because of all the money spent, so this is causing me a lot of pressure and I haven't even started...
I contacted the school, and now my mom keeps asking me if I have scheduled the interview (which would be HORRIBLE because it's so hard to even write an introduction online and I'm a horrible communicator and incredibly awkward) and I just really lost my will to do it... But then, if I don't do that, what will I do? I can't keep staying home, so now my suicidal thoughts are back and I see an opportunity now that my sister is leaving for a few days, I'll have a lot more time alone to take my SN so I don't need to deal with any of it.
I just feel so inadequate. Like I don't deserve to exist, that death is the only option for me. I hate to see anyone who aren't my close friends and a few close family members, because seeing others makes me feel so ashamed of my life. Even if I'm not having a particularly bad day, just the presence of other people will throw me into a spiral of self hate.
Therapy has not helped my depression, only gave me short term benefits. Medication has only made it worse. I know I'm autistic, but no one in my life believes me so I'm afraid to go see a doctor about it. I meet all requirements for an ADHD diagnosis as well (for the attention deficit) according to the DSM5, but also afraid to go see a doctor about it. The medication's side effects are also a bit scary, from what I've read. There is definitely something wrong with me, because I don't fit into this world at all.
I don't want to die, but I can't find solutions and everything has been a pain so far :/ I just want to be minimally content with life and not think about death, mostly because I don't want to hurt the people who are closest to me.
If you read all of this, thank you, and I'm sorry. I'm really bad with words.
I think I wanted to recover because I met with friends who kind of inspired me to want to live. Hanging out with them was nice. They have their problems too but they carry on, and there I was acting all defeatist. My life could probably be turned around if someone else was behind the wheel, but I just find everything to be so overwhelming. I love to stay home and playing games and I joke about how games are my life support, but it's not really a joke, it's the truth. Without them I'd have to face reality, go out into this soul crushing world and feel overwhelmed all the time. Or I could kill myself.
Last year there was a course I "wanted" to enroll in, but it didn't open for lack of students. While on this recovery mindset I remembered to try again this year and it seems it will open this year. I would have to go on an interview, would need to drive to another city everyday and it would be incredibly expensive for my mom. With this chronic depression, I am afraid to try it. It will sneak back into my life and take away my will to do things, my ability to concentrate... And sure, I could "fight it", but it would still be very hard. Quitting would not be an option because of all the money spent, so this is causing me a lot of pressure and I haven't even started...
I contacted the school, and now my mom keeps asking me if I have scheduled the interview (which would be HORRIBLE because it's so hard to even write an introduction online and I'm a horrible communicator and incredibly awkward) and I just really lost my will to do it... But then, if I don't do that, what will I do? I can't keep staying home, so now my suicidal thoughts are back and I see an opportunity now that my sister is leaving for a few days, I'll have a lot more time alone to take my SN so I don't need to deal with any of it.
I just feel so inadequate. Like I don't deserve to exist, that death is the only option for me. I hate to see anyone who aren't my close friends and a few close family members, because seeing others makes me feel so ashamed of my life. Even if I'm not having a particularly bad day, just the presence of other people will throw me into a spiral of self hate.
Therapy has not helped my depression, only gave me short term benefits. Medication has only made it worse. I know I'm autistic, but no one in my life believes me so I'm afraid to go see a doctor about it. I meet all requirements for an ADHD diagnosis as well (for the attention deficit) according to the DSM5, but also afraid to go see a doctor about it. The medication's side effects are also a bit scary, from what I've read. There is definitely something wrong with me, because I don't fit into this world at all.
I don't want to die, but I can't find solutions and everything has been a pain so far :/ I just want to be minimally content with life and not think about death, mostly because I don't want to hurt the people who are closest to me.
If you read all of this, thank you, and I'm sorry. I'm really bad with words.
