Story I wanted to be an artist.

[brittlemoth]

Since I really ever wanted anything. Seeing people create incredible things that moved me made me want to move others the same way. Make them feel less alone. So in high school and earlier I took art classes every year. Got in fights with my teachers. They wanted to me focus on my work because they knew it was important to me. It was. But as I took my instrument to the canvas, it bored me. I hated meticulously figuring everything out. How could I move anyone to feel less alone by doing something that made me feel so… alone? Just sitting there, calculating what colors and shapes going somewhere on the page that would create something that I wouldn't look at and hate. After years of fighting with my art teachers I finally stopped drawing and decided my art would be writing. And it was the same situation really but the writing crowd was a bit nicer. I was still sitting there, having to carefully calculate every detail to perfection in order to not hate it. You may call this perfectionism. I call it the price of improvement and making something I give a damn about. So eventually I switched to music and that has been my recent 'joy' for the past, well, quite a while now. Sitting at a computer calculating out what sounds I can fit together in a way that I'll hope to give a care about what I'm making. Most of the ideas get scrapped, after spending hours or days. Again, call it perfectionism but how could I be happy making things that don't bring me joy? And in order to make something that brings me joy I have to experience pain. The pain of boredom, engaging in a process I don't enjoy hoping to reap the rewards of the joy found in being done with the process, in having actually created something and being done with it. In the meantime, bands break up, works of art get lost or lose meaning to me, equipment stops functioning, people don't care, and I spend years and years at being a creative without any joy to show for it.

I bring this up on this forum because I see a lot of people say finding your purpose is a response to depression or suicide. That it will save you. I hope for anyone here that it does. For me, it left me miserable. Chasing an ever changing idea I could never achieve or be satisfied with. I found 'giving my life a purpose meaningful to me' to simply be a way of imprisoning myself to an abstract desire without reaping material or emotional rewards.

TL;DR: it took me decades as an artist to realize that I'd rather look at Van Gogh's paintings than be him. I don't know why that wasn't obvious from the beginning. I guess I'm too much of an idealist.

Everything is slipping away. As they get further from me, I can see them full enough to realize the lies you can only see from being outside of them. Too many attachments from the inside. But my view is clear now. If I cannot find a permanent solution to my suffering (and every rational part of me says I won't and can't), do not pity the damned.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm also creative and my Dad is too. When I told him that I wanted to pursue art as my career, he told me: 'You're going to suffer.' He was right. The desire to create is as much a blessing I feel as it is a curse because, it's hard to be entirely happy with anything you do. I loved the way you described it: That it's nicer to look at Van Gogh's paintings rather than be him.

I suppose in some ways, I 'sold out' in order to try to make a living from it. I realised that ideally, I wanted to be able to create things I felt happy with but, I also wanted to spend all my time doing art. Still- it's simply not practical to spend that long on something for me. People simply wouldn't pay that amount for the time. So- I've ended up compromising a lot of the time. Basically, being terrible at business. Taking too long and spending too much on materials to create something that is at least passable in my eyes. I guess I'm curious as to how you've managed to keep such high standards. That alone is a very impressive feat. Plus, that you are multitalented- drawing, writing and composing.

If I'm honest, the actual process at least used to be more enjoyable for me than it sounds for you. At least some of the time, I was able to get kind of lost in what I was doing. I think they call it flow state. But, art became a coping mechanism for me early on. A kind of meditative experience. The pressure comes when you are intent on or, being paid to create something good.

I definitely agree. It can give a person a sense of meaning and drive but, it comes with pitfalls too. It's challenging to make a living via the Arts and people I know and myself- when I've had to take up wage slave work to supplement myself are unhappy because they aren't creating. Plus, the intense frustrations in just trying to create something we are reasonably pleased with are huge.

 

[brittlemoth]

I'm also creative and my Dad is too. When I told him that I wanted to pursue art as my career, he told me: 'You're going to suffer.' He was right. The desire to create is as much a blessing I feel as it is a curse because, it's hard to be entirely happy with anything you do. I loved the way you described it: That it's nicer to look at Van Gogh's paintings rather than be him.

I suppose in some ways, I 'sold out' in order to try to make a living from it. I realised that ideally, I wanted to be able to create things I felt happy with but, I also wanted to spend all my time doing art. Still- it's simply not practical to spend that long on something for me. People simply wouldn't pay that amount for the time. So- I've ended up compromising a lot of the time. Basically, being terrible at business. Taking too long and spending too much on materials to create something that is at least passable in my eyes. I guess I'm curious as to how you've managed to keep such high standards. That alone is a very impressive feat. Plus, that you are multitalented- drawing, writing and composing.

If I'm honest, the actual process at least used to be more enjoyable for me than it sounds for you. At least some of the time, I was able to get kind of lost in what I was doing. I think they call it flow state. But, art became a coping mechanism for me early on. A kind of meditative experience. The pressure comes when you are intent on or, being paid to create something good.

I definitely agree. It can give a person a sense of meaning and drive but, it comes with pitfalls too. It's challenging to make a living via the Arts and people I know and myself- when I've had to take up wage slave work to supplement myself are unhappy because they aren't creating. Plus, the intense frustrations in just trying to create something we are reasonably pleased with are huge.

Thank you for this, very much appreciate your perspective

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You will never find true purpose in life because there is no purpose to life. Life is meaningless. It's not a bad thing like some make it out to be. No purpose means no constraints and no expectations. It provides one with a lot more freedom and a lack of feeling burdened by the fears of not living up to some sort of thing larger purpose.

Art is meant to be a vehicle of self-expression. It's something you engage in out of a passion for whatever discipline you are interested in, from painting to dance. People who choose to take classes in art due so in order to better their craft because by bettering their technical abilities it makes it easier for them to express themselves. Taking classes isn't a requirement but it can help with the potential constraints that come with not knowing how to achieve something. For example, Wyatt Shears is self-taught on bass and he has talked about how one of the downsides is that his scope is kind of limited and messy as a result. With that in mind, Wyatt still has a pretty successful music career and he and his brother are good examples of the fact that you don't need to take art classes to create art. If you don't like taking art classes then just don't take them. Try developing your skills on your own.

While art can be frustrating to make, it also comes with feelings of joy and completing a piece of work is meant to bring a sense of satisfaction. Maybe the issue here is that you are so focused on making a perfect end product that it ends up impeding on your ability to enjoy the process itself. Your art will never be perfect because perfection in art doesn't exist. Instead of constraining yourself and focusing on how you think others will feel about your end product, why not focus on expressing yourself more? Make your art for yourself and not just purely for the sake of moving others.

 

[Mr. Silver]

Ha, I must say that I tried art a little, I don't know if was envy ("omg, my friends will like me more if I learn how to draw that character", etc) that motivated me to try drawing and art in general, or just frustrations with my own life. I kept jumping from online course to online course, did not have the courage or money to get some physical classes; after 18 months or so, with no substantial results, I ended up putting those studies aside in favor of other projects (that are not going so well at the moment).

I know that my experience is nothing compared to your struggles, but trying to draw or write something good made me have a lot more respect from anyone that can make even a anime face, or a paragth that is fluid and plesant to read.


I can't say that I gave up because I would never look at someone else's art without thinking "You piece of shit, you really did gave up. Why you're not so hard working like them?". And yes, is pure copium.