Venting I Want

[Retched]

TO DIE. I am so over myself and the choices I made to get me to this state of mind. I'm pissed I didn't die in August when I tried. I'm pissed at my consequences. I'm pissed that I can't act and be "normal" I am pissed that I can't find the courage to ctb through methods that I've chosen and I want it to not be hard anymore!

Sorry. I'm having a really hard time accepting my reality and the things I have done to get me here.

 

[Anima]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. What happened if I may ask?

 

[15dec]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a hard time, I can understand your frustration with failed past attempts and feeling as though you don't belong. I struggle to accept the reality of my life and my situation a lot too. I hope you can find comfort or support here, sending you hugs.

 

[Retched]

Thank you both. I'm just at a point where I am a shell of a human being and my past choices (mostly not taking a miracle job and backing out at the last minute due to stupid reasons) keep haunting me. Every where I turn another ghost slaps me in the face, ghosts from my past when I was going through psych med withdraw and not thinking straight. I'm lonely, I've lost a lot of friends, I'm alienated because I feel so awkward. Like I look around and people are so happy looking and enjoying their families and I'm just stuck in a loop. I'm probably not making any sense. I failed at trying to die and it is like a limbo. No matter where I turn there is another ghost. I'm constantly reminded. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I wish I could just choke to death on that pill.

 

[TAW122]

If I may ask, what was the method that you tried back then? Also, yes I can relate that the survival instinct is a bitch in the ass to overcome.

 

[mattwitt]

I didn't get to the point where I am right now overnight. It was 26 years of one bad decision after another.

 

[Retched]

It was stupid. I tried the detergent suicide. I lost my car to emergency crew breaking in (I was out cold from pills and vodka too.)

 

[Retched]

I didn't get to the point where I am right now overnight. It was 26 years of one bad decision after another.

I've got 20 years on you. :/

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Maybe the loop you're stuck in is thinking you can die. Maybe it's time to live.

 

[Retched]

Maybe the loop you're stuck in is thinking you can die. Maybe it's time to live.

Hum...don't know what to say to that as I'm suicidal.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

I don't want to tell you what to do, I only want to suggest that maybe, if suicide doesn't seem possible that you try to find a way to live and stop thinking about suicide.

 

[TAW122]

Or one could look for other ways to suicide, such as other accessible methods.

@Retched Have you looked into hanging, jumping, CO method, or others?

 

[Retched]

Or one could look for other ways to suicide, such as other accessible methods.

@Retched Have you looked into hanging, jumping, CO method, or others? Also, are you in the UK or US? I ask the latter question because if in the US, you may be able to obtain a firearm if you aren't a felon, nor have been involuntarily committed to a mental health institution, don't have DV (domestic violence) charges against you, and/or any misdemeanor/sentence exceeding 1 year.

Yes, I've considered them all. And have done a lot, I mean a ton, of research on all of them. Went to a gun dealer today to look at my options. He was really nice. Good to know it is just involuntarily committed. It seems so violent though, but I really enjoyed learning more about my options there. Looks like I will be able to obtain a firearm if I go that route. I've tried to set up partial but only ended up with a red neck. Survival instinct is really a bitch.

 

[Eden2k]

TO DIE. I am so over myself and the choices I made to get me to this state of mind. I'm pissed I didn't die in August when I tried. I'm pissed at my consequences. I'm pissed that I can't act and be "normal" I am pissed that I can't find the courage to ctb through methods that I've chosen and I want it to not be hard anymore!

Sorry. I'm having a really hard time accepting my reality and the things I have done to get me here.

Ditto

 

[Retched]

I don't want to tell you what to do, I only want to suggest that maybe, if suicide doesn't seem possible that you try to find a way to live and stop thinking about suicide.

I wish it was *that easy* to stop thinking about suicide. I don't know what you are getting at, we are on a forum that is supposed to be ok to discuss this stuff openly.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Absolutely. I just meant that if it doesn't seem to be possible maybe you should try to see your life differently and not be stuck obsessing about suicide. I obsess about suicide and I want to stop it. I keep searching really out there ways of ctb and don't seem to get anywhere.

 

[Retched]

Absolutely. I just meant that if it doesn't seem to be possible maybe you should try to see your life differently and not be stuck obsessing about suicide. I obsess about suicide and I want to stop it. I keep searching really out there ways of ctb and don't seem to get anywhere.

Well, if was that easy, I wouldn't be here and I would not be suicidal. Neither would you I guess.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

But is being here good if we can't commit suicide? If suicide isn't possible then we're busy keeping ourselves in a state of misery.

 

[mattwitt]

I've got 20 years on you. :/

LOL... I'm sorry to hear that.

 

[Retched]

But is being here good if we can't commit suicide? If suicide isn't possible then we're busy keeping ourselves in a state of misery.

Yes, I'm in misery. Not going to lie. I couldn't finish up with the methods I chose, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to have courage to do it or not. Thinking "I'll kill myself tomorrow" has been an ironic thought that keeps me alive. I guess I don't understand why you don't just stop thinking about suicide then too.

 

[Retched]

LOL... I'm sorry to hear that.

Right?

 

[TAW122]

Yes, I've considered them all. And have done a lot, I mean a ton, of research on all of them. Went to a gun dealer today to look at my options. He was really nice. Good to know it is just involuntarily committed. It seems so violent though, but I really enjoyed learning more about my options there. Looks like I will be able to obtain a firearm if I go that route. I've tried to set up partial but only ended up with a red neck. Survival instinct is really a bitch.

Did you mean to say self-admitted or voluntary? There is a big difference and iirc if you are self-admitted or voluntary then you may still be eligible to own a firearm.

 

[mattwitt]

Right?

I'm 42 y/o btw... All of my problems and bad decision making started on Friday November 13th 1992 at 5:00pm est. : )

 

[Retched]

I'm 42 y/o btw... All of my problems and bad decision making started on Friday November 13th 1992 at 5:00pm est. : )

Oh hey, I've only got 4 years on you then. I know I was making bad decisions as well in 1992, so yeah. There ya go. What happened at 5 pm on Friday, November 13th?

 

[Retched]

Did you mean to say self-admitted or voluntary? There is a big difference and iirc if you are self-admitted or voluntary then you may still be eligible to own a firearm.

It was voluntary. I wasn't EPC'd or anything. I signed myself in. How I don't know. But I did.

 

[mattwitt]

Oh hey, I've only got 4 years on you then. I know I was making bad decisions as well in 1992, so yeah. There ya go. What happened at 5 pm on Friday, November 13th?

My first day of work. 2 days after my 16th birthday. That was basically the end of my youth and childhood. It's been downhill and torture ever since that night lol

 

[Retched]

My first day of work. 2 days after my 16th birthday. That was basically the end of my youth and childhood. It's been downhill and torture ever since that night lol

Mine was when I came back from living abroad. I never should have come back here. 1993.