Venting I want to want to ctb

[SweptAway]

I've been suicidal since I was a kid, and it still persists all these years later. For some reason, I feel equally content when I'm happy as when I want to ctb. However despite feeling like this I just can't get myself to do it. I want to so, so badly, and have for many years. Every time I attempt I think of everything I love in life and just can't commit to it, even though I don't care whatsoever about those things when I'm not mid-attempt. Long story short I want to want to do this, but I just can't manage. It's disgusting. I'd be curious to see if anyone else has experienced this despite how niche it seems.

 

[DoubleUp8]

Death wish vs survival instinct. Always a conflict till death wish wins

 

[invisiblesuffering]

Maybe suicide for you is just a comforting thought. For me I don't know i really want to die or i think about dying all the time because its comforting.

 

[SweptAway]

Maybe suicide for you is just a comforting thought. For me I don't know i really want to die or i think about dying all the time because its comforting.

Could be, it's hard for me to tell the difference. But I agree it's a nice thought.

 

[Someone123]

Could be, it's hard for me to tell the difference. But I agree it's a nice thought.

I understand it can be a nice thought for the pain to stop. If you are younger, under 30 or even under 40, life has options and chances to get better possibly. Finding out why you feel this way could be helpful to know. When I was a kid I didn't have enough caring and there was so much mental abuse and so much isolation, it was in second grade when i just started wanting the pain to stop, but hope for it to get better kept me going. It is hard to tell what the issues are when you are in the middle of them, especially when you are young, but even as you get older. Do you wish you had more caring from people, is loneliness a factor, is some type of abuse a factor? Figuring out what the issues are can help you to figure out what to do, and if you post concerns here some people will likely try to give you ideas that may help. My guess is you sound fairly young, which by itself can give more chances for recovery, but age is no guarantee of recovery, as we all know.

 

[SweptAway]

I understand it can be a nice thought for the pain to stop. If you are younger, under 30 or even under 40, life has options and chances to get better possibly. Finding out why you feel this way could be helpful to know. When I was a kid I didn't have enough caring and there was so much mental abuse and so much isolation, it was in second grade when i just started wanting the pain to stop, but hope for it to get better kept me going. It is hard to tell what the issues are when you are in the middle of them, especially when you are young, but even as you get older. Do you wish you had more caring from people, is loneliness a factor, is some type of abuse a factor? Figuring out what the issues are can help you to figure out what to do, and if you post concerns here some people will likely try to give you ideas that may help. My guess is you sound fairly young, which by itself can give more chances for recovery, but age is no guarantee of recovery, as we all know.

I'm sorry you dealt with that as a kid, I appreciate the reply. I guess my main issue is I've been very fortunate up to this point. I wasn't abused, I have good friends, a loving family, I don't have a valid reason to feel like this but I have for most of my life. I don't really have the desire for things to improve as I just don't feel the need to be here. Sadly there isn't much to figure out, I was just born this way. In the grand scheme of things I'm somewhat young, but by your scale time is running thin.

 

[Someone123]

I'm sorry you dealt with that as a kid, I appreciate the reply. I guess my main issue is I've been very fortunate up to this point. I wasn't abused, I have good friends, a loving family, I don't have a valid reason to feel like this but I have for most of my life. I don't really have the desire for things to improve as I just don't feel the need to be here. Sadly there isn't much to figure out, I was just born this way. In the grand scheme of things I'm somewhat young, but by your scale time is running thin.

I think there may be something that you could figure out, it may not be an inborn thing, it may be an environmental thing that is tough to figure out. It may be that the social connections, though they may look good, don't feel strong enough. With good friends and loving family that is a lot, but do the connections feel strong enough, or is something more needed here. I know that I didn't realize when younger how important having a girlfriend is on a bunch of levels. Having a partner you really connect with helps on a bunch of levels. I thought my family was nice because people told me swo, it was all I knew, but they were the farthest thing from it during the growing up years, though later in life it got better. It is worth it to explore what could be better now, personally I think it's unlikely to be an inborn thing. Best of luck, and if you want to share more people may have other ideas to try to help. Are there people who you share good and bad things with who try to help you? Maybe the connections could be stronger.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

Whats the stuff you love in life? Its all fading away for me. I have no more interests, it all seems grayed out.