I want to turn your feelings into music [please read full post]

[R. A.]

You need to be in at least one of the following groups to see this content: Member

 

[MapleS]

(I'm in my way into recovery) it would be easier to day what makes me suicidal (like figuring out where can I put my rope in that very momment), how it SHOULD sound

my nightmer:
synthetic sounds, no vocal, no humming, weird, maybe has organs, liminal space, a scream

if you want to do it based on my experience

Spoiler: basically my pain

|| I didn't felt anithng for 18 years, then had best year on my life(it was terrible also) and then a sound broke me. Like completly. I have real trauma from it. Then fear, a lot of fear. One fear creates another. Dissociation. Not being able to show my emotion, being scared of it, emotions buid up and I'm ready to hang right there. Lack of nature kills me. I hate synthetic world - world I'm not build for being 'heavily' autistic, yet there's nowhere where I could belong and be happy. And I want to live - experience good things like I once did in that year. Now I'm heavily medicated being able to exist only because my family is doing anything for me not to cbt. but I hate them anyway. I'm scared of them... afer all my terror has a wiggly sound of my eighbor's has heater and a refrigerator. but it's not music of my despair...with fragmented personality (experiencing world as a multiple being one)||

it's not all but what I feel my pain is
you know, I actually would like my experience to be music interpreted.
Don't feel pressured tho, it's not that important to me