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Harry Callahan
- Feb 12, 2023
- 252
everything keeps getting worse. there is no end to the shit that gets thrown at me and there's nothing that makes this more bearable. i don't understand how it can always get worse, i hate that there is no limit or plateau that can be reached for this. for the past month or so, i've been saying that i'm in the lowest place i've ever been in; but apparently i can always go lower—and i have. whenever i think it can't get worse, it does; whenever it get slightly better, it gets so much worse.
i've impulsively attempted ph in the past and (obviously) failed. everything got worse after that and i don't go a day without wishing i had succeeded then; it would've been perfect. i was content and aside from the glaring, unsolvable issues, i was happy with other aspects of my life. i'll never reach that point again. i felt so comforted when i thought i was going to die, but i won't get that now. i have to die miserably, but even that's a struggle. i'm constantly being checked on, one way or another. i have 4 family members who come in and out of my room at random. even if you ignore that factor, i haven't even properly practiced ph yet; i was in so much pain the last time. plus, i work tomorrow and everything will be so screwed up if i attempt (and fail) tonight. i'm listing all of these issues to remind myself why i shouldn't do it, but it's barely working. i give others the same reminders/advice when they need to be talked out of an impulsive attempt, but i don't really care. i know i shouldn't impulsively attempt it again, but things are really bleak and lonely. i can only think about the fact that i could die, no matter how slim those chances are, it outweighs the other likely possibilities—although it honestly shouldn't.
i ruined my chances of ctb with sn in a really stupid, embarrassing way; but it wouldn't have been possible for a long time anyway. i really need to die within the next two weeks. these plans won't work out—especially not that fast.
the worst case scenarios don't seem that bad anymore. things will keep getting worse regardless, so i just don't care. plus, the best case scenario is just too appealing.
i've impulsively attempted ph in the past and (obviously) failed. everything got worse after that and i don't go a day without wishing i had succeeded then; it would've been perfect. i was content and aside from the glaring, unsolvable issues, i was happy with other aspects of my life. i'll never reach that point again. i felt so comforted when i thought i was going to die, but i won't get that now. i have to die miserably, but even that's a struggle. i'm constantly being checked on, one way or another. i have 4 family members who come in and out of my room at random. even if you ignore that factor, i haven't even properly practiced ph yet; i was in so much pain the last time. plus, i work tomorrow and everything will be so screwed up if i attempt (and fail) tonight. i'm listing all of these issues to remind myself why i shouldn't do it, but it's barely working. i give others the same reminders/advice when they need to be talked out of an impulsive attempt, but i don't really care. i know i shouldn't impulsively attempt it again, but things are really bleak and lonely. i can only think about the fact that i could die, no matter how slim those chances are, it outweighs the other likely possibilities—although it honestly shouldn't.
i ruined my chances of ctb with sn in a really stupid, embarrassing way; but it wouldn't have been possible for a long time anyway. i really need to die within the next two weeks. these plans won't work out—especially not that fast.
the worst case scenarios don't seem that bad anymore. things will keep getting worse regardless, so i just don't care. plus, the best case scenario is just too appealing.
