I want to try life but don't know how

[paroxyical]

I'm so jealous of the people who CTB. I want it so much. I want the nothingness. I want to slip away into the peace of nothing. Or battle my way into it, I guess, if my SI is strong.

I want to countdown the minutes until I'm no longer alive. Know that it's well and truly over. I want what you have.

But I also want to be in my partner's arms. And know what it feels like to have someone there for me when I feel terrible. And know what it feels like to be able to have friends who I can be myself around. And know how inner peace feels.

The chances I will get any of these things are low. I'm too young and in a sh*t situation that I have the possibility of leaving by October, to say for sure. That's why I will wait. If I fail my exams I will ctb. If things dont change i will ctb. but im giving them time to change.

Right now though, I feel like every minute i'm alive is torture. So yeah I'm pretty jealous of the people who know that they are in the right place to ctb. i just want to.
I'm at a loss. I dont know how to not just CTB on impulse (or at least attempt to again)

My life feels worthless. I dont wanna fall asleep coz then I have to wake up. I dont want the abuse. I dont want the pain and the darkness. Please, how the hell do i do this.
:(

 

[pole]

sorry to hear.

this may sound cheesy, but find something that gives you meaning and some type of reason to want to live.

for me it's school. if i don't do well in school, and ultimately get into law school; well atleast i tried, you know? make a goal. and give yourself that time period between now and till you can accomplish that goal to try and get better. and well, if it does work out, maybe it's a opportunity to continue living and for good things to come you're way. and if it doesn't, well it's up to you.

that's how i'm "trying life" as of now. i was in the same exact situation as you a few months ago, so i definitely understand. and now i still feel that every moment of the dead, but i try cause i've given myself a certain time period, and if it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be.

hope that helps somehow and hope you find peace.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think you've just asked the existential question that plagues every living creature that has a certain level of self awareness. Talk about a tough question to answer. I suspect that life has no intrinsic value other than perpetuating itself via reproduction. If you want to find other meaning then that has to come from inside. We have to decide what makes life worth living, what brings us fulfilment, what makes it easier and follow that. Its especially tough because its so ephemeral and transitory; its the experiences that count and the memories that are formed and of course then its all gone and in the past and you have to keep trying to have new experiences that fulfil you. It's an awful cliche, but it really is how you run the race rather than whether you win or not. Its the struggle to find meaning that defines us and that can be exhausting.

 

[enjoy]

if it's any solace, i feel the same way. here for you if you need anything.

 

[paroxyical]

thank you all. i feel like i have reasons, but they lose all sense of meaning or hope 95% of the time. it's fine to have aspirations but they mean nothing if the want to be dead is stronger. ugh. im struggling tonight. like every night, tbh.