Help I want to talk with older members ~50 years old things took a turn for the unexpected and I would like some 2nd opinions

[Polka]

Want to talk with older members ~50 years old things took a turn for the unexpected and I would like some 2nd opinions. Chat seems very slow so I thought I would try the forum. Thanks.

 

[Johnnythefox]

What would you like to know?

 

[Stan]

51 years old and have stopped counting

 

[charlie_z]

My situation does not include a sudden turn for the worse, but I'm in the right age group. Here if you're interested.

 

[Polka]

Gentlemen, thank you for replying.

When my wife left I started to examine myself. This was a new thing for me. She left to try and fix us but ended up with some one else. I researched modern women and dating and gynocentrisism, MGTOW etc. I then tried to figure out a fresh start for myself etc. Eventually because I felt so suicidal I began to become my own shrink and discovered I have had major depression for a long long time.

 

[charlie_z]

Yes. Self-reflection is a strange experience. I've only recently really looked at myself. Wish I'd done so sooner. Now, I'm only too aware how much time is against me.

 

[Stan]

When you have been part of something for a long time, then it disappears, you will self reflect because to a degree - it is a new you now.

 

[Polka]

This week I accidentally met her in a supermarket. Because I hate bullshit, when she asked how I was I told her explicitly. She was upset but not rabid pro life. This woman was the best friend I ever had. It's not loosing her that's making me cbt but I wanted to know what others thought about me dying so that she could have a better chance of a happier life with a non depressed geezer.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Unfortunately I find myself in the same position of having long term depression.

 

[Polka]

So basically when I cbt and she gets my assets dose that sound crazy/week? She was the best friend I had and just because she has a new man how does that change anything? It just happened she was not looking for it. I am the one with the depression not her and if I can help her to have a good life by ctb'ing then is that crazy?

 

[BipolarExpat]

I wanted to know what others thought about me dying so that she could have a better chance of a happier life with a non depressed geezer.

In my humble opinion, don't consider ctb for anyone other than yourself. The final act needs to be all about you.
PS: I'm in your age bracket.

 

[charlie_z]

I'm not sure what to tell you. I think about what I want to tell others, especially those I've hurt, but it all starts feeling self-serving. I'm not saying this is your motivation, but you may want to give a little more time and thought as to why you want to do what you're thinking about.

 

[Polka]

That's the synopsis if anyone has any thought please share. It's obvioulsy a big decision to make but there are about 10 factors making me want to CBT. It's not just her. Plus this THE time to do it.

 

[BipolarExpat]

It's not "crazy" that you're aware of what she'd get after your passing or wanting to leave some security for a loved one. Not crazy at all. Just be sure that YOU (and only you) want to go, first.
Again, just my opinion.

 

[Polka]

Thanks, yes I do want to go. Depression is not curable for me.

 

[charlie_z]

I can help her to have a good life by ctb'ing then is that crazy?

BiPolarExpat has a better hold on this question than I do. All I can say, what little I can still store in my mind, is that I appreciate your ability to give thought to the needs of another person during this phase of your life. I sometimes feel that ability has gotten away from me.

P.S. I like the picture of the doggy as your avatar. Love dogs. Only truly reliable friends I've had are dogs. Not surprising, given the other options.

 

[Stan]

Not sure how long ago this all was for you. Is it fresh or has some time passed?

 

[Polka]

Yeah. Polka my ex dog cracked my pysche so that I could start to feel again. It was too late for the marriage but at least I know now why it tanked. Sometimes the answers come from animals not people.

 

[deadalready1969]

I'm 50. I try having death with dignity talks with my sort-of boyfriend. We've been together 5-1/2 years, but he was freaked out when I admitted myself into an inpatient program in 2017 and obviously even more freaked out when I tried to leave in January. He's known about my severe PTSD and depression since the day we met. I left for an outpatient trauma program within the first month of us dating. I know he loves me and wants to be supportive, but he doesn't know how. And knowing that I think about leaving all the time doesn't make sense to him. If only he knew how much planning I do too. I keep trying therapy and other things to recover. I think some people's brains and bodies are wired to have a harder time forgetting the past and overcoming mental illness, especially when medications aren't effective. I'm even trying hypnotherapy and energy healing and work with essential oils now. I broke up with my guy earlier this year (after my attempt when I went into a partial hospitalization program) and since we live in different cities, we haven't seen much of each other. I wanted to try to get well alone. But he's very much been present since we talk every day, multiple times a day. It's complicated to be in a relationship when leaving occupies a lot of your thoughts. I wish I could turn them off and the urge to act upon them. They started in my early teens, so I'm actually amazed I'm still here. Anyway, I know my illness has become part of my identity even though it's not who I am. When that identity shows up in a partnership, it's a tough dynamic. I think the same would be true with someone with a physical illness. I have both. That was a lot of rambling...

 

[charlie_z]

Often times the answers come from furry-ones; we're just not paying enough attention most of the time. Thanks for sharing, Polka. Encounters with animals, the domesticated kind, generate a sense of peace for me. I hope you work out your situation, whatever course it takes. You seem like a decent person.

 

[Polka]

5 months. But 5 months of hard study and analysis. I am super focused on the truth wherever that leads.

i never studied this hard for my academic qualifications. I think I Iearned more during these last 5 months than the last 40 years.
Thanks for the feedback all.

I cry just about every day now. I never thought I was a nutter until recently.

 

[Stan]

5 months. But 5 months of hard study and analysis. I am super focused on the truth wherever that leads.

i never studied this hard for my academic qualifications. I think I Iearned more during these last 5 months than the last 40 years.

I have been down this road for years now. I sometimes wonder if I would have been a bit different if I just shook myself down a bit and put myself out on the market so to speak. I think that it wouldn't but it would have been interesting to have a comparison.

 

[Polka]

no point when so many women initiate divorce. Online dating/social isolation is another killer.

 

[Stan]

no point when so many women initiate divorce. Online dating/social isolation is another killer.

That is true. Never did online dating for the fear of rejection making things worse

 

[charlie_z]

I think some people's brains and bodies are wired to have a harder time forgetting the past and overcoming mental illness, especially when medications aren't effective.

Yes. I think this is not an unreasonable assumption. I think of it as the broken-brain syndrome.

Anyway, I know my illness has become part of my identity even though it's not who I am.

I've come to a point where the illness has so subsumed my psyche, that now it's all I have to identify with.

 

[Polka]

Anyway, I know my illness has become part of my identity even though it's not who I am

Very very pertitent words friend.

 

[charlie_z]

I cry just about every day now. I never thought I was a nutter until recently.

That's the terrifying power of self-reflection. You come to recognize that the image you've been staring at in mirrors has been a distorted reflection of oneself. I cry all the time now as well.

 

[Polka]

Yes, but I have a love of the truth so that gets me through some of it. The bitter regret, guilt and lack of knowledge at the time are what will take me through to the other side. Maybe that was the lesson.

 

[charlie_z]

I'

Maybe that was the lesson

I'd like to believe that, especially if something does come after this existence. These are big lessons learned too late, but wouldn't it be wonderful to think that they would not prove a complete loss. I'm not a believer in an afterlife, although I wish I were. Although the Karmic wheel of life is a terrifying concept, it at least permits for the chance of redemption. It's a pleasant and satisfying dream.

 

[deadalready1969]

I cry all the time too. My psychiatrist and I talked about this at length during my last session. He's more like another therapist to me, not a med pusher. My appointments are sometimes two hours because he is getting to know me and trying to find a treatment that will work. He's a believer in psychedelics, but of course, they're not legal here.

Anyway, he raised an interesting question about whether I was not only depressed but more so stuck in a chronic state of despair, which he describes as a spiritual crisis that involves feeling disconnected from a higher power (I'm not religious) or simply humanity.

I reflected on this and see some truth in this idea. I'm agoraphobic and don't leave my house much, but in my isolation, I feel other's pain quite deeply. Like the pain of those here. And generally, I feel the pain of our world today. I'm not connected to many people though, so very lonely. I often find I'm lonely when others are near.

I think a loss of clear purpose when I had to stop working and now that my kids are older and leaving home has contributed to this deep sadness that's different from depression. All jumbled together has led to a growing feeling of hopelessness.