I want to talk and listen to you

[Cuttie_death]

I've been doing all kinds of damage to myself since grade 8, whether it's all kinds of cuts, blows, suffocation. All because of self-loathing. I am currently working at a job that does not give me pleasure, and it is unlikely that I will ever be able to reach my place. I still do self-harm to this day, although it has been so many years, it has rather become a habit. Of the attempts to leave, there were only attempts to cut my veins and jump off a bridge, drink strong drugs by the ton, but here and there I just stopped out of fear. You can't get on the roofs, no matter how much you try, there are guards everywhere, and if you did, you were cowardly again. I can't hang myself, because all the chandeliers were removed in my house and because of this there is no place to hang a rope (I haven't tried on other things yet, such as a battery or a door handle, it seems to work for someone) I am an absolute gray mouse, unable to even understand if I love my young man, because I like girls more, but because of society, I have to pretend that I love men and thereby ruin both my life and the life of a young man. I can't look the way I want because of my relatives, and I can't protest, because I'm completely spineless, unable to defend my rights. And all this is because of the intense self-hatred. I have low self-esteem, I do not consider myself beautiful or successful in anything, I often aggress others, but I continue to build myself up as an ideal person, although I am not. Despite this, even the most meaningless and stupid situations can give me satisfaction for a moment from the fact that I live, whether it's a talkative passerby with funny stories or colleagues stupidly joking at work. No matter how much I try to leave, fear always begins, and it's not clear, maybe I don't want to die, but I want it all to stop.

But after so many years, trying and hurting myself has become a habit and now I can't stop and I hope that one day I will be able to leave without cowardice, no matter how painful or painless, the main thing is just to leave. I want to hear your thoughts and your stories, at least something, at least somewhere to hear what I was missing - an opinion on this and your feelings, thoughts. I've never been able to speak out about this to absolutely anyone, and it's all growing like a huge balloon, because the people around me were able to get out of this state, and to this day I'm drowning in this shit. I just wanted to speak out, thanks for reading this and spending your time with me (my English is just terrible, sorry)

 

[Adûnâi]

Self-loathing due to parents, perchance?

 

[Cuttie_death]

Self-loathing due to parents, perchance?

It definitely starts with parenting. I was often beaten because of my studies, saying that I was stupid, and my opinion was never taken into account and everything was decided for me. So yes, it definitely comes from there. But with age, when you have such low self-esteem, you begin to entangle yourself in all the troubles, and this feeling of hatred grows

 

[JesseJoldberJ]

Hey I could tell you a funny story lol, it ain't that funny tho but I still consider one.
So I was in high school and I was a trouble maker, a real one due to me being friends with some assholes but I liked them at the time, so I liked this one girl in my class, she was cute and kind and every sane guy wanted her so me too, but I talked to her often and she helped with some classes to so we were kind of friends, one day I manned up and told my friends about it, I was a bit nervous but they told to stop acting like a bitch and head to her tell her what you feel.
I go there she was with her friends I GOT REALLY nervous so I stutter a bit but I told can I talk to you privately, she said okay charmingly and was smiling, I really got confident and excited because I thought she liked me back, then I say the great words "look blank I really really love you I think about you everyday and I want to be with you!" now till here I'm fine but I carried what's in my head and accidentally said "will you marry me" instead of will you be my girlfriend.
So my blood freeze in me and sweating real fast and she started laughing I couldn't mutter a word because I was shocked lol, she said she can't get married now because her father would be angry and dissallow it.
So your friend here gets embarrassed angry and I had to take revenge on her father lmao, I go to their house flatten the tires with a knife and runaway, turns out to be her private teachers car lol and they never had a car.
It's not funny but I thought why not share I was a bad shit lol.

 

[willitpass]

I started self harming at 9. Now into adulthood the self loathing and self harm are also just about habit at this point. I'm not a big cutter anymore, I only have one single cut that I keep reopening to try and infect it but other than that I don't cut, but you name any other method of self harm and I either have done it or still do it. I have no sense of self worth. I've nearly died a few times from attempts and I'm 2.5 weeks away from what I am hoping will be my end. But I also don't know anything but pure self hatred. If something will cause me pain and discomfort then send it my way. I am scum of the earth and feel uncomfortable if I treat myself well. I'm sorry you're struggling.

 

[Cuttie_death]

Hey I could tell you a funny story lol, it ain't that funny tho but I still consider one.
So I was in high school and I was a trouble maker, a real one due to me being friends with some assholes but I liked them at the time, so I liked this one girl in my class, she was cute and kind and every sane guy wanted her so me too, but I talked to her often and she helped with some classes to so we were kind of friends, one day I manned up and told my friends about it, I was a bit nervous but they told to stop acting like a bitch and head to her tell her what you feel.
I go there she was with her friends I GOT REALLY nervous so I stutter a bit but I told can I talk to you privately, she said okay charmingly and was smiling, I really got confident and excited because I thought she liked me back, then I say the great words "look blank I really really love you I think about you everyday and I want to be with you!" now till here I'm fine but I carried what's in my head and accidentally said "will you marry me" instead of will you be my girlfriend.
So my blood freeze in me and sweating real fast and she started laughing I couldn't mutter a word because I was shocked lol, she said she can't get married now because her father would be angry and dissallow it.
So your friend here gets embarrassed angry and I had to take revenge on her father lmao, I go to their house flatten the tires with a knife and runaway, turns out to be her private teachers car lol and they never had a car.
It's not funny but I thought why not share I was a bad shit lol.

This is a very funny and not funny story at the same time, you clearly made my day a little better! Thanks!

I started self harming at 9. Now into adulthood the self loathing and self harm are also just about habit at this point. I'm not a big cutter anymore, I only have one single cut that I keep reopening to try and infect it but other than that I don't cut, but you name any other method of self harm and I either have done it or still do it. I have no sense of self worth. I've nearly died a few times from attempts and I'm 2.5 weeks away from what I am hoping will be my end. But I also don't know anything but pure self hatred. If something will cause me pain and discomfort then send it my way. I am scum of the earth and feel uncomfortable if I treat myself well. I'm sorry you're struggling.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but I understand you perfectly. Thank you for giving me some time.