I'm an autistic 32-year-old woman. I have no friends (the only friend I had stopped being my friend yeaterday), my relatives think I'm stupid (even though I live on my own and graduated with a 96% Average in the Administrative Program in college), I don't have a job (forget about being hired if you're autistic); I can't drive either because I'm epileptic, because of that I'm stuck in the city since it's the only place with public transportation. I live in Newfoundland, Canada; people are supposedly friendly and helpful in this province. That is pure bullshit. I am shunned, scowled at, have nasty things said to and about and people will always get away with saying and doing nasty things to without any repercussions, even if someone in authority (such as a police officer) witnesses it; however, if I do or say anything back, even just "shut up", I will be punished, or if someone lies and says I did or said something when I didn't I will be punished too.
I have been suicidal since I was nine years old but this time I am prepared and have it planned for the day I do it.
The recent events that lead to feeling this way are due to a 58-year-old man who got away harassing me - I had to change my phone number because he gave it to his friends. The police did nothing; they refused to look at the phone records nor would they add that he called me while the police were at my house taking my statement; the phone call went to voicemail after one ring yet the police wouldn't add that to their investigation; the man wasn't given any conditions to stay away from me so he continued his harassment and gave my phone number to his girlfriend (a 28-year-old woman who is not my friend). According to the police, there is nothing wrong with any of the things he did. However, I know someone who went through the exact same things but with a different person and the police did their investigation and charged the person - the police didn't investigate at all; the only reason they charged him was because I warned that I would call a local radio talk show called Open Line and tell them; I know the news won't listen.
I have my own legal issues going on. I was accused of (and charged) damaging a vehicle belonging to a local TV Station. I didn't do it (was accused because I was the only person in the vicinity when the reporter was walking to it). The reporter called me a fucking bitch; his assistant then turned on her cellphone camera, asking why I damaged the vehicle - I apparently scratched their vehicle with my keys - the police wouldn't even look at my keys to see if there was any paint on them; if I scratched the vehicle paint would be on the keys!
I was crying hard; I told the woman I didn't do it, explained I have severe anxiety and am autistic so that's why I was very upset. The woman just smirked and kept filming me. I asked her if this would be on the news; she snarled "who's saying it's going to be on the news?!?!?!?!?!" The police then showed up with their sirens on; three vehicles came!
The police refused to listen to me; I was crying, told them I am autistic, I wanted to call my mom but they wouldn't let me. They took my purse and cellphone away from me (I wasn't violent) and put me in the back of the police car. They eventually let me call my mom; they refused to speak to her and she could hear them telling me off in the background. I stated that things like this are why I want to die. Mom came; they told her they wanted to put me on a stretcher and bring me to the Waterford Hospital; this is the only mental health hospital in this hellhole of a province and it only makes you leave feeling worse than before you went in.
Mom talked them out of it and said she would bring me home; they snarled that if I die it's on her.
I am not perfect. I have done stupid things in the past; I used to steal and would be charged with theft (happened twice); the last time I was charged was 2013. I stopped doing that.
The news won't air the clip of me being recorded by the woman since I was crying the entire time. The news always reports when someone is in court (they don't do that for thefts under $5000.00); I know they will report when I'm there. I also know they won't let me tell my side of the story; they will move away and/or turn off their video camera if I try that; it has happened to others.
I have been miserable my entire life. If there were visible scars for every emotional scar I receive, there would not be any place on my body without a scar.
I am sick of being the doormat and scapegoat. This has been my job my entire life and I'm sick of it; I'm retiring. Part of the reason the police allowed me to leave was because I said I wasn't suicidal; I said this: "You don't care about me at all. You only care that I'll be around another day, like a monkey in a zoo for people to stare at, say nasty things to and about, and physically assault. Don't worry, I'll be here tomorrow to do my job." (My job is to let people verbally, physically, and/or sexually assault me. They won't be in trouble if they do it to me; they will get away with it even if someone in authority, such as a police officer, witnesses it. I am also the person you can blame things on and have punished.)
I'm sick of this job and want to retire. I actually have this thought, which came to me in April, when people get away with doing and saying nasty things to me:
At least they're not doing it to someone important. It's just me. They won't get in trouble and it's not happening to anyone important; if it was they would be charged. But they won't because they're doing it to me.
I'm looking at leaving this hellhole on Thursday. I will mix Clorox Bleach and Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner; prescription medications like benzodiazepines are useless, I can take 10 × the regular dose and it still won't work. I have Argyle Softgels (they're Indica) and Bakerstreet Softgels (also Indica) that I will take, as well as an anti-nauseant; the Softgels reduce pain significantly, make me relax, and sometimes help me sleep. Because my body is a piece of shit (regular doses for drugs don't work) I have to take a high dose - I'm taking a total of 225 mg THC and 90 mg CBD; hopefully I will be extremely relaxed/out of it when I mix the cleaners so I won't have to suffer long. I'm also going to have a movie playing on my cellphone to "distract me".
Will these cleaners work? I have three bottles of Lysol Power Toilet Bowl Cleaners (473 mL each), one bottle of Lysol Advanced (946 mL), and two bottles of CLOROX Splash-less Concentrated Bleach. Do I need more? I am putting it all in a 10 L Mop Bucket.
I know it will hurt; the cannabis should help reduce the pain and anxiety. Even though it will hurt, emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. I can't deal with that pain anymore.
I have been suicidal since I was nine years old but this time I am prepared and have it planned for the day I do it.
The recent events that lead to feeling this way are due to a 58-year-old man who got away harassing me - I had to change my phone number because he gave it to his friends. The police did nothing; they refused to look at the phone records nor would they add that he called me while the police were at my house taking my statement; the phone call went to voicemail after one ring yet the police wouldn't add that to their investigation; the man wasn't given any conditions to stay away from me so he continued his harassment and gave my phone number to his girlfriend (a 28-year-old woman who is not my friend). According to the police, there is nothing wrong with any of the things he did. However, I know someone who went through the exact same things but with a different person and the police did their investigation and charged the person - the police didn't investigate at all; the only reason they charged him was because I warned that I would call a local radio talk show called Open Line and tell them; I know the news won't listen.
I have my own legal issues going on. I was accused of (and charged) damaging a vehicle belonging to a local TV Station. I didn't do it (was accused because I was the only person in the vicinity when the reporter was walking to it). The reporter called me a fucking bitch; his assistant then turned on her cellphone camera, asking why I damaged the vehicle - I apparently scratched their vehicle with my keys - the police wouldn't even look at my keys to see if there was any paint on them; if I scratched the vehicle paint would be on the keys!
I was crying hard; I told the woman I didn't do it, explained I have severe anxiety and am autistic so that's why I was very upset. The woman just smirked and kept filming me. I asked her if this would be on the news; she snarled "who's saying it's going to be on the news?!?!?!?!?!" The police then showed up with their sirens on; three vehicles came!
The police refused to listen to me; I was crying, told them I am autistic, I wanted to call my mom but they wouldn't let me. They took my purse and cellphone away from me (I wasn't violent) and put me in the back of the police car. They eventually let me call my mom; they refused to speak to her and she could hear them telling me off in the background. I stated that things like this are why I want to die. Mom came; they told her they wanted to put me on a stretcher and bring me to the Waterford Hospital; this is the only mental health hospital in this hellhole of a province and it only makes you leave feeling worse than before you went in.
Mom talked them out of it and said she would bring me home; they snarled that if I die it's on her.
I am not perfect. I have done stupid things in the past; I used to steal and would be charged with theft (happened twice); the last time I was charged was 2013. I stopped doing that.
The news won't air the clip of me being recorded by the woman since I was crying the entire time. The news always reports when someone is in court (they don't do that for thefts under $5000.00); I know they will report when I'm there. I also know they won't let me tell my side of the story; they will move away and/or turn off their video camera if I try that; it has happened to others.
I have been miserable my entire life. If there were visible scars for every emotional scar I receive, there would not be any place on my body without a scar.
I am sick of being the doormat and scapegoat. This has been my job my entire life and I'm sick of it; I'm retiring. Part of the reason the police allowed me to leave was because I said I wasn't suicidal; I said this: "You don't care about me at all. You only care that I'll be around another day, like a monkey in a zoo for people to stare at, say nasty things to and about, and physically assault. Don't worry, I'll be here tomorrow to do my job." (My job is to let people verbally, physically, and/or sexually assault me. They won't be in trouble if they do it to me; they will get away with it even if someone in authority, such as a police officer, witnesses it. I am also the person you can blame things on and have punished.)
I'm sick of this job and want to retire. I actually have this thought, which came to me in April, when people get away with doing and saying nasty things to me:
At least they're not doing it to someone important. It's just me. They won't get in trouble and it's not happening to anyone important; if it was they would be charged. But they won't because they're doing it to me.
I'm looking at leaving this hellhole on Thursday. I will mix Clorox Bleach and Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner; prescription medications like benzodiazepines are useless, I can take 10 × the regular dose and it still won't work. I have Argyle Softgels (they're Indica) and Bakerstreet Softgels (also Indica) that I will take, as well as an anti-nauseant; the Softgels reduce pain significantly, make me relax, and sometimes help me sleep. Because my body is a piece of shit (regular doses for drugs don't work) I have to take a high dose - I'm taking a total of 225 mg THC and 90 mg CBD; hopefully I will be extremely relaxed/out of it when I mix the cleaners so I won't have to suffer long. I'm also going to have a movie playing on my cellphone to "distract me".
Will these cleaners work? I have three bottles of Lysol Power Toilet Bowl Cleaners (473 mL each), one bottle of Lysol Advanced (946 mL), and two bottles of CLOROX Splash-less Concentrated Bleach. Do I need more? I am putting it all in a 10 L Mop Bucket.
I know it will hurt; the cannabis should help reduce the pain and anxiety. Even though it will hurt, emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. I can't deal with that pain anymore.
