Help I want to recover but can't

[EternalShore]

Posting this in recovery not because it isn't a sewer-slidal-as-heck rant but because I really do want to live... but well~ :(
Life is just more pain than it's worth~ Humans aren't ofc, but a purely logical approach to life would be if there is more sorrow than joy, than one should just end it~ and past one's years as a child, I'd doubt that there's anyone who'd actually say there is~ ofc, we're told to live for the joy in the 90% sorrow which once you think about it, doesn't even make sense at all! >_< if my death will give me 100% joy in Heaven, then what's the point of settling for 10%? xD
no one really cares about your value as a person~ They'll talk all about the "sanctity" of life and stuff, but if they're only offering free internships and work cleaning toilets for $2 an hour~ rofl~
ofc, I don't really care at all about either of what I just said~ More of just using that as complaints that my life is entirely horrible and why no one even wants to talk to me, much less befriend me~ :( I'm a walking doormat (according to my parents), and you still don't want to!? What the heck! I do all the work on school stuff and attempt to transform into a different person to fit your desires from me, and still, nope! :/
My life is like that one thread where if a person genuinely cared, my life would turn around, and I'd be happy~ :) and I do have that now, and I am happy when I'm with him~ :) the only issue is that well... This ingrained belief within me that because I was born a boy (despite me having no say in the matter!), I need to remain one because of God's wishes (despite not being stated in the Bible anywhere), marry and have kids with a girl~ problem is that, well, I know it'll just bring me misery, since I'm not masculine at all, have no desire to be, and it'd just involve pretending for the rest of my life~
God is supposed to provide for me, but if I serve and believe in Him in spite of that, and He still doesn't lift a finger, it's awful~ :( in fact, the only thing He really gives me is my bf (and the fact my parents are being forced to comply with me being a girl sometimes), but at the same time, I have this ingrained belief that those are all wrong and sinful, and I should just let it all go~ despite the fact that they're the only things which give me fragments of happiness anyways! >_< aaaaaaaa

 

[InversedShadow]

Im sorry to hear, that must be painful to experience and feel.. altho, pursuing ur own happiness of this kind, is hardly a sin, I wish your ingrained feeling could just go away because it stops you from fully enjoying what you now have. Humanity and society nowadays would love others to wowrk for free, or cheapest wages, or even better, to possess nothing and be happy like those silly millionaires think.. sick world, truly~ also, your parents are really mean saying such a thing.. intead they should support their child.. without any insults..