I want to look haunted

[woofwag]

TW for eating disorder and body dysmorphia


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There's a reason I had restrictive eating disorders for so long. At first it was because of gender dysphoria. I was 14, and I didn't want to go through puberty at all. So I starved. But it stopped being about that after a while. I want to look like a creature. I want to have hollowed out dead eyes, pin-straight wispy black hair down to the floor, all of my bones visible and my skin pale and sick-looking. I want to walk with no sound, be cold to the touch, even smell like a graveyard, but in a weirdly familiar and comforting way. I want to be just off-putting enough that it's like you're staring at a feeling you try most times to keep suppressed, something in-between fear and existentialism, but in a way that people find intriguing. Because wouldn't it be intriguing to see a thing like that? I know it's impossible, so I don't try. I'm quite the opposite of how I've described. I also know now that eating disorders are not sustainable, and truly it's not worth the pain just to look a certain way. But oh how I wish I did. It would be nice to look like the ghost I already feel I am.

 

[Arvayn]

I tried to die via starvation (I do not have an eating disorder, I just used dieting and raw willpower) and I got extremely close, I was only saved because of outside intervention.
For a decently long time, I actually looked somewhat like this. People were really freaked out from looking at me. I remember being half-conscious and listening to the paramedic having a smoke with my mother outside of the ambulance, while the former said that my pallor unsettles her.

Anyway, even though the style is unattainable... I must say, as someone who is compulsively morbid, you have immaculate taste.

 

[woofwag]

I tried to die via starvation (I do not have an eating disorder, I just used dieting and raw willpower) and I got extremely close, I was only saved because of outside intervention.
For a decently long time, I actually looked somewhat like this. People were really freaked out from looking at me. I remember being half-conscious and listening to the paramedic having a smoke with my mother outside of the ambulance, while the former said that my pallor unsettles her.

Anyway, even though the style is unattainable... I must say, as someone who is compulsively morbid, you have immaculate taste.

Oh wow, that is really impressive you were able to make it that long though. I do remember that when I fasted for a week, I got a very euphoric feeling after a while, like I was floating across the ground, somehow above everyone else. And I feel like that probably is how it feels to be dead, or at least some type of ghost. I mean I was miserable too, but maybe you can relate a bit to that.

Why thank you :3 I fear that irl my style is primarily rainbows lol even my hair, but if I could look like this, I would take that opportunity in a heartbeat. I wish so badly that I could shapeshift.