sonax22
god
- Mar 25, 2019
- 68
I am very passionate about living
I have many passions and interests but my problem is that I cant do any of them.
mainly because of my mental issues and my family's restrictions, my living situation. basically if i were to put it to words, the reason why I want to die is "lack of freedom"
I have struggled with being suicidal ever since I was a child, I blamed myself, my family, my society
and now after 15+ years I figured out why I wanted to die, I am not free and I never was
I've always been stuck because of my mental restrictions along side all tangible restrictions.
I've always had a passion for living, exploring, learning, travelling, living alone, being free, music, movies, nature, animals, the universe and everything the world has to offer.
I don't know whether all this passion is just false dreaming and I'm wishing for something that never exists. but this is what's keeping me alive until now I think, "hope". hope is truly a powerful feeling, no matter how awful my life gets and I'm on the verge of ending it all, there's always that survival instinct and that tiny bit of hope, that i can get out of my situation, I can get better mentally, I can move out, live alone and be free and do everything I ever wanted.
but still after all those years, hope hasn't resulted in anything in reailty, its always in my head. that brings me such a melancholic feeling, hopeless, there's no hope anymore for me, at least not in this life.
now I want to be at peace with dying, I want to lose this hope, because even though it kept me alive and its a beautiful feeling that I'm very grateful for, its also the reason why I'm suffering. and I don't want to suffer anymore, I want to let go and be free, let my body give up and let me rest in peace.
death is as beautiful as living, when it saves you from suffering, I'm gonna welcome it, rather than holding on to false hope.
lastly I want to share a song by Lana Del Rey that perfectly puts what im feeling into words
"There's no more chasing rainbows and hoping for an end to them
Their arches are illusions, solid at first glance
But then you try to touch them
There's nothing to hold on to
The colors used to lure you in
And put you in a trance "
to me the rainbows are false hope
"Sometimes it feels like I've got a war in my mind
I wanna get off, but I keep riding the ride
I never really noticed that I had to decide
To play someone's game, or live my own life
And now I do
I wanna move
Out of the black (out of the black)
Into the blue (into the blue)"
this resonates with me on a spiritual level
to me, the black is life and the blue is death
however my life continues after this moment in time, I just want to be at peace with it at the end.
I appreciate my life, I appreciate existing and I come at peace with the fact that this life just might not be for me, maybe my purpose is to end it, and that is an experience and a way out of the infinite ways someone could experience living. there's no wrong or right way to live, living is living.
note: this post was the result of an interesting worst 6hrs I've had this whole year, after taking a not very safe amount of caffeine pills (It was an impulsive decision resulting from my anxiety/eating disorder) I've had a TERRBIEL experience physically and mentally and experienced every emotion in the book. maybe it all happened for a reason.
I have many passions and interests but my problem is that I cant do any of them.
mainly because of my mental issues and my family's restrictions, my living situation. basically if i were to put it to words, the reason why I want to die is "lack of freedom"
I have struggled with being suicidal ever since I was a child, I blamed myself, my family, my society
and now after 15+ years I figured out why I wanted to die, I am not free and I never was
I've always been stuck because of my mental restrictions along side all tangible restrictions.
I've always had a passion for living, exploring, learning, travelling, living alone, being free, music, movies, nature, animals, the universe and everything the world has to offer.
I don't know whether all this passion is just false dreaming and I'm wishing for something that never exists. but this is what's keeping me alive until now I think, "hope". hope is truly a powerful feeling, no matter how awful my life gets and I'm on the verge of ending it all, there's always that survival instinct and that tiny bit of hope, that i can get out of my situation, I can get better mentally, I can move out, live alone and be free and do everything I ever wanted.
but still after all those years, hope hasn't resulted in anything in reailty, its always in my head. that brings me such a melancholic feeling, hopeless, there's no hope anymore for me, at least not in this life.
now I want to be at peace with dying, I want to lose this hope, because even though it kept me alive and its a beautiful feeling that I'm very grateful for, its also the reason why I'm suffering. and I don't want to suffer anymore, I want to let go and be free, let my body give up and let me rest in peace.
death is as beautiful as living, when it saves you from suffering, I'm gonna welcome it, rather than holding on to false hope.
lastly I want to share a song by Lana Del Rey that perfectly puts what im feeling into words
"There's no more chasing rainbows and hoping for an end to them
Their arches are illusions, solid at first glance
But then you try to touch them
There's nothing to hold on to
The colors used to lure you in
And put you in a trance "
to me the rainbows are false hope
"Sometimes it feels like I've got a war in my mind
I wanna get off, but I keep riding the ride
I never really noticed that I had to decide
To play someone's game, or live my own life
And now I do
I wanna move
Out of the black (out of the black)
Into the blue (into the blue)"
this resonates with me on a spiritual level
to me, the black is life and the blue is death
however my life continues after this moment in time, I just want to be at peace with it at the end.
I appreciate my life, I appreciate existing and I come at peace with the fact that this life just might not be for me, maybe my purpose is to end it, and that is an experience and a way out of the infinite ways someone could experience living. there's no wrong or right way to live, living is living.
note: this post was the result of an interesting worst 6hrs I've had this whole year, after taking a not very safe amount of caffeine pills (It was an impulsive decision resulting from my anxiety/eating disorder) I've had a TERRBIEL experience physically and mentally and experienced every emotion in the book. maybe it all happened for a reason.