Sorry it is a bit long but I am losing it and this is the only place were I can be 100% honest.
Little over a year ago I used benzos for 4 weeks straight due to the holidays and it was a bad time for me. But after the 4 weeks I knew I had to stop again. This when shit hit the fan because I quit cold turkey thinking that would be ok no taper needed after a short time. No instructions by doc offcourse. Few days later my mind started racing I started to obsess over things I did not obsess over. My tinnitus which I was used to all of a sudden became a point of stress and severe obsession which I before was accumilated to and I got severe panic attacks out of nowhere. I did not have panic since 2012.. ( I was prescribed benzos then for tinnitus in 2012 and I always used less then prescribed never daily) It was the cold turkey off the benzo's 10000% which send me into a tailspin this time but I did not know it yet. Back to the psychs and docs offcourse they blamed anxiety and not the meds fucking me up. Another couple of mistakes again and I ended up on 5x the dose 5mg Ativan DAILY + seroquel + paxil. I was basically pollydrugged because they blamed my mental health and not the benzo's which are know to worsen anxiety in the end. I was never instructed how to use them. I knew addiction was a problem so used them wisely never daily long term and never abused them but not how bad these meds actually are. And they change your calm system.
So I started tapering 5mg Ativan ( a pretty heft dose) because I was never a daily pill user, benzo withdrawal is horrible it's worse then heroin, racing thoughts, anxiety u have never felt in your life, and depression. And it takes forever. I started exactly a year ago and I am still not done.
As I had experience with cannabis always making me feel good in the past I tried to vape some cannabis to help me with the horrible feelings and I had a bad trip because I was in a bad mindstate due to the benzo's. It gave me depersonalisation which is worse then depression or anxiety IMO. It is a loss of sense of self and the feeling you are a walking corpse. Which in turn gave me more anxiety, depression and symptoms of ptsd.
Now I am still not off the drugs, i feel trapped every day and my former self is gone. I used to love being alone, watching a movie, play a game, go to the gym. Now I moved in with my mother cannot stay alone, am severely agoraphobic, and dealing with the dp, severe anxiety and depression. I look in the mirror and dont know who I see, because of the drug withdrawal I cannot stop the anxiety. Raising the dose I tried and did not help. I am tolerant. Tried other drugs and only made me worse. I wish I never touched psych drugs.
I have many people who love me but I have been at it for over a year and I am getting more and more trapped and feel like there is no way out. I am showing lot of signs of ptsd I wan't to die every day now. I cannot talk about this with anybody. Because I will be further drugged into hell or locked up. Nobody understands.
If I CTB I will destroy my poor mother, my grandmother, my aunts, and all other people who love me. I have talked and talked and talked with therapists, tried meds I tried it all. That system and my stupid mistake of the cannabis destroyed my life.
I already made one attempt to hang myself out of pure desperation. I was too scared. And the guilt is eating me up alive. I just feel traumatised and so sad. I could have a perfect life but my brain is destroyed. Anxiety, depression and dp just keeps getting worse.
I guess most people do not want to die really but only want to because the pain is too much. And the pain is too much.
The thought of destroying my mother kill me, but I cannot tell her I am suicidal. You just can't tell people....
Thank you for listening
Little over a year ago I used benzos for 4 weeks straight due to the holidays and it was a bad time for me. But after the 4 weeks I knew I had to stop again. This when shit hit the fan because I quit cold turkey thinking that would be ok no taper needed after a short time. No instructions by doc offcourse. Few days later my mind started racing I started to obsess over things I did not obsess over. My tinnitus which I was used to all of a sudden became a point of stress and severe obsession which I before was accumilated to and I got severe panic attacks out of nowhere. I did not have panic since 2012.. ( I was prescribed benzos then for tinnitus in 2012 and I always used less then prescribed never daily) It was the cold turkey off the benzo's 10000% which send me into a tailspin this time but I did not know it yet. Back to the psychs and docs offcourse they blamed anxiety and not the meds fucking me up. Another couple of mistakes again and I ended up on 5x the dose 5mg Ativan DAILY + seroquel + paxil. I was basically pollydrugged because they blamed my mental health and not the benzo's which are know to worsen anxiety in the end. I was never instructed how to use them. I knew addiction was a problem so used them wisely never daily long term and never abused them but not how bad these meds actually are. And they change your calm system.
So I started tapering 5mg Ativan ( a pretty heft dose) because I was never a daily pill user, benzo withdrawal is horrible it's worse then heroin, racing thoughts, anxiety u have never felt in your life, and depression. And it takes forever. I started exactly a year ago and I am still not done.
As I had experience with cannabis always making me feel good in the past I tried to vape some cannabis to help me with the horrible feelings and I had a bad trip because I was in a bad mindstate due to the benzo's. It gave me depersonalisation which is worse then depression or anxiety IMO. It is a loss of sense of self and the feeling you are a walking corpse. Which in turn gave me more anxiety, depression and symptoms of ptsd.
Now I am still not off the drugs, i feel trapped every day and my former self is gone. I used to love being alone, watching a movie, play a game, go to the gym. Now I moved in with my mother cannot stay alone, am severely agoraphobic, and dealing with the dp, severe anxiety and depression. I look in the mirror and dont know who I see, because of the drug withdrawal I cannot stop the anxiety. Raising the dose I tried and did not help. I am tolerant. Tried other drugs and only made me worse. I wish I never touched psych drugs.
I have many people who love me but I have been at it for over a year and I am getting more and more trapped and feel like there is no way out. I am showing lot of signs of ptsd I wan't to die every day now. I cannot talk about this with anybody. Because I will be further drugged into hell or locked up. Nobody understands.
If I CTB I will destroy my poor mother, my grandmother, my aunts, and all other people who love me. I have talked and talked and talked with therapists, tried meds I tried it all. That system and my stupid mistake of the cannabis destroyed my life.
I already made one attempt to hang myself out of pure desperation. I was too scared. And the guilt is eating me up alive. I just feel traumatised and so sad. I could have a perfect life but my brain is destroyed. Anxiety, depression and dp just keeps getting worse.
I guess most people do not want to die really but only want to because the pain is too much. And the pain is too much.
The thought of destroying my mother kill me, but I cannot tell her I am suicidal. You just can't tell people....
Thank you for listening
