I want to live but it hurts so much

[-nobodyknows-]

I don't know what to do. I get so cold, even when it's warm out. I shiver. I feel trapped. It hurts so much. I am all alone. I can't tell anyone. I don't want to hurt them. I am so tired of hurting people. Why does it hurt people when I tell them the truth about myself? I know why. It's because it's too much for them. I am the problem. I wish I was a normal person where I could tell my friends that I am hurting and have them listen to my problems. But I can't do that. When I do people get so sad and then they leave me alone again. But does it even matter, since I'm still alone when I am hurting anyway? I do not know. I just want it to end. For good. Stop coming back. I feel like I am going to fall over. What is wrong with me why am I like this? How did this happen to me. My parents were so good to me. They don't deserve someone like me. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I need it to end. Please make it end. It's so cold and I can't breathe and I can't stop shaking. I am so sorry. Why does I exist. I only hurt people. I want to get close to others but my spines are too long. How did this happen. Why am I like this. Please make it end. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. But even if I kill myself I will hurt the people around me that I care about. I hate myself so much. They don't deserve that. There is a sea of cherry blossom petals in my yard. They are beautiful. But they do not last. I want to be like them. They bring joy to other people. But it is kind of sad when they are gone. I want to be like that, but I kind of hope that people are not sad when I die. I want to disappear. I don't want to be remembered. Damnatio memoriae. But I want to try and be a good person until I die. Maybe then I will be forgiven on the other side. Maybe then something will happen to me that will let me change. I want to be a good person. I don't want to make others suffer. But I can't help it. What is wrong with me. I am a cancer. A leech. I hate that. I hate myself. I deserve to die. I am scum. Why can I not just stay away. I am only going to hurt more people if I try to make friends. But I want friends so much. I don't know what to do. Please let me die. I need to die. I need it to end. It hurts so much. My chest hurts. Why does it hurt so much. Why can't I die. Why is it that all of my attempts failed. Things would have been better for everyone if I had died earlier. I don't understand. I thought maybe I survived because something would change but nothing does it doesn't matter how much I try to stand against it. But I don't know if that's true anymore. I want it to be true. I want to be saved. Someone please find me. Someone please help me. Someone please save me. I don't want to hurt the people I care about by dying. But I know I will. I knew when my doctor told me that I would be like this for the rest of my life. I knew then that I would kill myself. Because no one can help me. No one can save me. No one in this world, at least. Hopefully the other side will be different. Why do I exist. Why do I exist if there is no way out. I'm so sorry, my friend. I wanted to prove you right. I wanted to be brave. Even though you left me all alone, I hoped that maybe I could still see that future that you said you saw for me. I know I will let you down. But I really am trying. I hope that, if you do find out what happened to me, you can understand that. You were there for me longer than anyone else. I am so grateful for that. I hope that you are happy. I miss you. I am sorry if I do not get better. I think you realized I probably won't. So it's probably good that you left before I finally do die. I know how it will happen. I've worked out my plans. Now I am waiting. Watching the days tick by until the conditions are set. Will I find someone who can help me before then? I do not know. I try to make friends still in the hope that I will. But I kind of know I won't. And I feel guilty about it too because now there's a chance that my death will affect more people than if I had simply accepted my end. But I want to live. So I have to try. I hope they understand that and forgive me. But if they don't I would understand. It's so cold. I want to pull a blanket over myself and never get up until this pain passes. It will pass. But it will also return. And I have a paper to write. Isn't that insane? I want to die and yet I am concerned about getting a good grade on some paper. So it's time for me to face this world again and try to live a little bit longer in the hopes that something will change and I end up finding a reason to live. If you see this, whoever you are, thank you for listening. It's nice to know that someone knows that I am feeling this way. Even if you actually have no idea who I am.