Venting I want to kill myself while my beautiful wife is having surgery, because I don't want to have a job.

[SuperLazyPuffin]

So this will be a long post if anyone cares to read it. I'll have a TL:DR at the bottom

So I've been with my wife since we were 14(we're 23 now), it started as a long distance relationship but at 18 she moved in with my mom and I. We're perfect for each other in every way, I don't even know how to put into words how strong our bond is, how much we love and accept each other. We've both agreed if either of us were to die then the other will kill themselves since neither of us would ever want to live in a world without the other. So you can see by killing myself I will be selfishy crushing her and effectively killing her myself.

So I guess I'll go more into why I want to die. I've been depressed since childhood although it wasn't really noticed by my mom and treated until high school but by then school had overwhelmed me to the point where I was doing absolutely no work in school, because the way I cope is by shutting down and doing nothing. Therapy and meds didn't help, I dropped out at the 10th grade. Since then I haven't had a job, haven't gone to college, or have really done anything productive. And it's all because working at least 8 hours a day is so overwhelming for me that I'd rather be dead. That's it, no past trauma, I'm physically healthy, nothing I can point to as to why I can't work other than I'm lazy.
Spending 1/3 of my life working is just to much for me to handle, add on chores and cooking and dishes and all these other adult things that make me miserable I just can't handle it. I can't handle doing what it takes to survive in this world. There's no job I'd ever want, nothing that really interests me that I could spend 40 years doing.

So my wife thinks she can handle finances alone, that I could just be a stay at home husband which would actually make me happy and be manageable but I know she'll never make enough money to do that. She has depression, she's 23 and has only had 2 minimum wage jobs for a few months. She wants to be a entrepreneur and have multiple incomes and shit but I have no faith it'll ever work with me dragging her down.

So I feel I've ruined her life, her dreams, her whole world all because I'm to easily overwhelmed. We want to do so many things together, we want to hike together, travel the world, use drugs like LSD, shrooms, MDMA. Get fast food then get stoned and just eat like a couple happy stoners. So many games to play, movies and TV shows to watch. Recently she's taken a interest in archery, it's not my thing but I'd be happy to learn with her, to have her teach me what she learns. And there's so much more I want to experience with her but I'm throwing away 2 perfectly good life's... Because I'm lazy.

What's even worse is a couple days ago we had a LSD trip (if you haven't used a psychedelic, just know this whole thing was just super intense and full of raw emotion) and during it my she started thinking about my suicidal thoughts that she knows about. She started to feel alone, like I had left her, she was just overwhelmed by the world closing in on her and me not being there to protect her. She kept asking if I was going to leave her and for I while I just didn't know what to say since that answer was maybe(and she knew that), all I could do was hug her sweet innocent soul as she cried. It was like she was mourning for me, we both were. I was so connected to her and her emotions were so strong, I just can't even explain how immensely intense it was. But something clicked in me, I realized I've been struggling with depression and social anxiety my whole life but often kept thinking I was just lazy and not depressed. So I knew I didn't want to let it claim me, this whole time I've been just letting it win without so much as me lifting a finger to fight it but I didn't want to do that anymore, I wanted to give it my all for her, for our love, for that childlike side of her she still has. I couldn't just let feelings of sadness or anxiety or whatever take me from her, we love each other so much and my pain of living would pale in comparison to the pain she'd feel losing me, I know because I felt it. I felt everything that she felt in that moment and I just knew I couldn't give up without a fight, I promised I'd never leave and that if I ever had the urge I'd tell her and we'd work on it together. And I really believed it, that I was going to start small and just try my best at living, even if I can't do everything I want to do or if sometimes I fail or get overwhelmed I'd get up and try again, nothing can break our bond.
But here I am, the next day. I don't know what the fuck I saw, I can't fight my depression or social anxiety, I'm a lazy sack of shit and it all comes down to me just being to easily overwhelmed to work 8 hours a day. I'd rather be dead than have to go through that misery, being an adult is so overwhelming no matter how badly I want I live I can't. I just have no idea what the hell I saw during that trip. Maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking that I could, maybe I just wanted her pain to stop so badly that just for that moment I lied to myself so that I could lie to her. Or maybe in the moment I forgot how overwhelming life is and how I simply can't handle it.

Killing myself will be the hardest thing I'll ever do, the guilt will be unbearable, already thoughts of everything we could of done but never will are racing through my head but I have to die. I know because of me they will always be nothing but a dream.

I'm the most selfish person in the world, so many people have actually good reasons to want to kill myself, and mine comes down to I don't want to work. I have the most amazing wife backing me and yet I want to die. Pathetic

TL:DR: I'm depressed and socially anxious so I can't work. I want to kill myself and leave my soul mate on her own since I know she can't financially support us both.

 

[Thegoldenapples]

It's sounds like the trip brought some emotions to the surface to deal with. You're not pathetic, you're depressed. The mind is a powerful thing. I don't think it's about not wanting to work. Depression can cripple you. She is your soulmate and soulmates have contracts and missions together. Your mission could be to get you through this. Who knows. Another trip together when you guys feel inclined might bring more to the surface. I see psychedelics as medicine. Taken properly, proper dosage and environment. You could also try microdosing as well. That has worked well for a lot of people and you respond well to the medicine. I don't know what you've tried to try combat the depression but a change in your diet, (no gluten, dairy, meat) add some supplements etc. could be something simple like vit d deficiency, could all help. That happened to a mate once. There's a medicine called kambo which works really well and targets parasite/Candida etc which can also cause depression. You need a multi pronged approach. I think you both would respond well to it. It cleanses out all your cells and helps on a physical/spiritual/emotional level and I've met quite a few people like you in ceremonies snd it's helped them a lot. Shifts out a lot of old energy stagnant energy as well. Very powerful. You can get discounts for couple too. Make sure the practitioner is certified. Simple google search and your location, they come up. You should try work with her on this. What you have together is very special. Most don't come across that in their lifetime. You're young and a lot can still happen. I wouldn't worry about working now, keep working on yourself and pull the layers back, then allow the rest to come naturally.

 

[UterEntonaur]

Man..... I was lost for words and didn't know what to write after the reading the whole thing, but I felt like I had to write something, because the love that you both have for each other sounds so pure!!!

The fact that you're both strong together, and confided in each other in such a raw way, means there's definitely hope (I've never been in a relationship where I felt like we could talk so openly about our fears/thoughts/feelings).

I don't know what support you can get with your depression or social anxiety (professionally/medically/financially) cos that will depend on where you are, but it's worth asking someone or finding out, because it sounds like you've genuinely got each others backs and your wife is willing to stick with you through anything.... and that's super rare!

 

[SuperLazyPuffin]

It's sounds like the trip brought some emotions to the surface to deal with. You're not pathetic, you're depressed. The mind is a powerful thing. I don't think it's about not wanting to work. Depression can cripple you. She is your soulmate and soulmates have contracts and missions together. Your mission could be to get you through this. Who knows. Another trip together when you guys feel inclined might bring more to the surface. I see psychedelics as medicine. Taken properly, proper dosage and environment. You could also try microdosing as well. That has worked well for a lot of people and you respond well to the medicine. I don't know what you've tried to try combat the depression but a change in your diet, (no gluten, dairy, meat) add some supplements etc. could be something simple like vit d deficiency, could all help. That happened to a mate once. There's a medicine called kambo which works really well and targets parasite/Candida etc which can also cause depression. You need a multi pronged approach. I think you both would respond well to it. It cleanses out all your cells and helps on a physical/spiritual/emotional level and I've met quite a few people like you in ceremonies snd it's helped them a lot. Shifts out a lot of old energy stagnant energy as well. Very powerful. You can get discounts for couple too. Make sure the practitioner is certified. Simple google search and your location, they come up. You should try work with her on this. What you have together is very special. Most don't come across that in their lifetime. You're young and a lot can still happen. I wouldn't worry about working now, keep working on yourself and pull the layers back, then allow the rest to come naturally.

Hey there, thanks for your reply. So I have been microdosing LSD (I'd like to try shrooms to but there're expensive and I can't grow them myself) but it's had little positive effect, not because it just doesn't work for me but because I'm not working with it to improve myself. I do have a severe vitamin D deficiency so I have been taking supplements as well.

So I do think that getting a job is even preventing me from trying to improve myself. I can't get myself to even attempt to get better if the ultimate goal of getting a job seems impossible. So if the big goal of working a job feels impossible then doing any small steps below it to like exercising, therapy, taking meds, eating healthy, ect seem pointless. So I'm hopelessly stuck, stuck just rotting away and throwing away both of our lives because I feel that no matter what I do to better cope with life, no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise, I can't add work to every other stress of life because it feels like it's more than I can physically handle. Even though this is entirely a mental thing, I feel so deeply that I can't handle working that there's no difference between if I had no limbs which prevented me vs physically fine me.

So I've never heard of that kambo thing, my initial thought is that it sounds like pseudoscience. It also sounds to expensive for me to even do anyway. I guess I'll look into it but I'm super skeptical about it.
Thanks for your input though.

 

[Disappointered]

I can relate to this a lot. I have no position in society for a variety of reasons but they include social anxiety. I don't support myself and the only jobs I've had I've lost. I know that most people cannot respect me even if they try to want to on principle because of my failed life story and absence of any career and consequently of any friends in the only peer group I might have had. I just went to the doctor's and pharmacist and, while it doesn't happen often with pharmacists, this time I felt disrespected by both the doc and the pharmacist. I know why and it's the reason I will ultimately ctb. How can people live knowing they are disrespected at large? I should probably go out with a bang, do something for a cause that will result in consequences before killing myself but if I had a set of balls and any abilities I'd be a different person and probably wouldn't be in this situation.

 

[fred farkle]

i can really relate to the op. i hate work and have always tried to flee from what seems to be the prison of striving for success. yep and i fucked up my life and other peoples too. its really fucked up.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

So I do think that getting a job is even preventing me from trying to improve myself. I can't get myself to even attempt to get better if the ultimate goal of getting a job seems impossible. So if the big goal of working a job feels impossible then doing any small steps below it to like exercising, therapy, taking meds, eating healthy, ect seem pointless.

You're in the best position to know what's achievable for you, but lemme just throw some shit in here. You might find that if you improve health and energy levels with exercise you might be able to start taking baby steps to work on the social anxiety. I think I'm the most biased person on the forum when it comes to evaluating your situation but it seems so good that it's worth not throwing away until every option is exhausted. Now, idk you, and you know the situation best but fuck it sounds like you have a great life ahead of you if you can just weather this storm.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I think it's part of being unwell. At the moment I feel exactly like you do op and I feel like a lazy sack of shit. I don't know how I'll ever work again but I've held down a job and just got on with it in the past. I dunno what's changed

 

[L-L]

Hey there, thanks for your reply. So I have been microdosing LSD (I'd like to try shrooms to but there're expensive and I can't grow them myself) but it's had little positive effect, not because it just doesn't work for me but because I'm not working with it to improve myself. I do have a severe vitamin D deficiency so I have been taking supplements as well.

So I do think that getting a job is even preventing me from trying to improve myself. I can't get myself to even attempt to get better if the ultimate goal of getting a job seems impossible. So if the big goal of working a job feels impossible then doing any small steps below it to like exercising, therapy, taking meds, eating healthy, ect seem pointless. So I'm hopelessly stuck, stuck just rotting away and throwing away both of our lives because I feel that no matter what I do to better cope with life, no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise, I can't add work to every other stress of life because it feels like it's more than I can physically handle. Even though this is entirely a mental thing, I feel so deeply that I can't handle working that there's no difference between if I had no limbs which prevented me vs physically fine me.

So I've never heard of that kambo thing, my initial thought is that it sounds like pseudoscience. It also sounds to expensive for me to even do anyway. I guess I'll look into it but I'm super skeptical about it.
Thanks for your input though.

I promise, that with a bit of cleaning beforehand and maintaining a sterile environment you will be able to produce your own psilocybin cubensis.

Check out UncleBens on Reddit and feel free to message.

 

[SuperLazyPuffin]

I promise, that with a bit of cleaning beforehand and maintaining a sterile environment you will be able to produce your own psilocybin cubensis.

Check out UncleBens on Reddit and feel free to message.

I would grow my own but I live with my mom and she doesn't know about my drug usage. She'd probably flip out if she knew so I'd have to wait until I live in my own place which I honestly don't see happening.

I think it's part of being unwell. At the moment I feel exactly like you do op and I feel like a lazy sack of shit. I don't know how I'll ever work again but I've held down a job and just got on with it in the past. I dunno what's changed

You did it once though! So I think you can do it again. I don't know what changed either but already you've done more than what I've ever done so I have faith in you.

You're in the best position to know what's achievable for you, but lemme just throw some shit in here. You might find that if you improve health and energy levels with exercise you might be able to start taking baby steps to work on the social anxiety. I think I'm the most biased person on the forum when it comes to evaluating your situation but it seems so good that it's worth not throwing away until every option is exhausted. Now, idk you, and you know the situation best but fuck it sounds like you have a great life ahead of you if you can just weather this storm.

So you're totally right, I think if not for depression and social anxiety holding me back I have everything I need to have a pretty good life. But instead I'm just letting myself ruin all of it, for both I and my lover. I'm always imagining the things I could of accomplished by now if I never dropped out of high school and gave up. I could be living on my own right now, traveled the world a bit, have a good amount of money saved up, be on a good career path. But even know I know it's not to late to turn things around, but I don't think I ever will really.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

But even know I know it's not to late to turn things around, but I don't think I ever will really.

Social anxiety, depression and not being educated can be fixed, like you said. Have you talked openly and honestly about this with your wife? Sounds like you're giving each-other hints of various kinds rather than having an open dialogue.

 

[SuperLazyPuffin]

Social anxiety, depression and not being educated can be fixed, like you said. Have you talked openly and honestly about this with your wife? Sounds like you're giving each-other hints of various kinds rather than having an open dialogue.

She knows very well the troubles I go through. But you know what? I think I decided I'm done, I'm a lazy, pathetic, selfish person who doesn't even want to attempt to fix any of my problems because they are "to hard" because a job is "to miserable". I think I've come to the realization that I'll never tackle my problems and therefore never improve, so I'm going to CTB. I don't even know why I bothered to even join this site, make this post, or anything.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

She knows very well the troubles I go through. But you know what? I think I decided I'm done, I'm a lazy, pathetic, selfish person who doesn't even want to attempt to fix any of my problems because they are "to hard" because a job is "to miserable". I think I've come to the realization that I'll never tackle my problems and therefore never improve, so I'm going to CTB. I don't even know why I bothered to even join this site, make this post, or anything.

So her being there is outweighed by this thinking? She's real, those are just thoughts. Almost all of my own problems are those kinds of thoughts, too. But I don't want to pretend to know what's best for you, much love.

 

[tea on clouds]

What if you become honest to her about all of this post? and try to live even if she needs to handle all the financial stuff? and then confirm if it is worth dying or not.

 

[UterEntonaur]

I don't even know why I bothered to even join this site, make this post, or anything.

None of us are here to judge, we're just here to support, regardless of your choice. Don't ever be scared to reach out friend

 

[Thegoldenapples]

Hey there, thanks for your reply. So I have been microdosing LSD (I'd like to try shrooms to but there're expensive and I can't grow them myself) but it's had little positive effect, not because it just doesn't work for me but because I'm not working with it to improve myself. I do have a severe vitamin D deficiency so I have been taking supplements as well.

So I do think that getting a job is even preventing me from trying to improve myself. I can't get myself to even attempt to get better if the ultimate goal of getting a job seems impossible. So if the big goal of working a job feels impossible then doing any small steps below it to like exercising, therapy, taking meds, eating healthy, ect seem pointless. So I'm hopelessly stuck, stuck just rotting away and throwing away both of our lives because I feel that no matter what I do to better cope with life, no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise, I can't add work to every other stress of life because it feels like it's more than I can physically handle. Even though this is entirely a mental thing, I feel so deeply that I can't handle working that there's no difference between if I had no limbs which prevented me vs physically fine me.

So I've never heard of that kambo thing, my initial thought is that it sounds like pseudoscience. It also sounds to expensive for me to even do anyway. I guess I'll look into it but I'm super skeptical about it.
Thanks for your input though.

Yeah I understand. I feel your progress will be limited as long as you're vit D deficient. Do you know what level you where? Severe can make a major impact. How many UI are you taking per day? Micro dosing might not be working because of physical deficiencies. Vit D is vital for basic physical/mental functioning. That friend I told you about had heaps of issues for years, was about to have surgery because they couldn't figure out what was wrong. Docs didn't check his vit d but hospital did and he was extremely low. All issues left within months. Added b12/iron and worked wonders. Try work on the getting the decencies sorted and leveled. One thing at a time. Present moment. Kambo is a frog medicine from the Amazon. If you don't feel drawn to it, don't take it. Its not a psychedelic, just cleansing but one of those things you don't force yourself to do.

 

[the_final_countdown]

Why not start with something small? Then slowly build up from there.

If a full time job is too stressful for you, you can just do a part time job like Instacart or Door Dash. Nothing crazy. Slowly build yourself up friend.

 

[Natty]

If it makes you feel any better after 4 years of college I was incredibly lucky and landed what many in my field would consider a dream position, good pay, flexible hours, only really accountable during meetings, and I made it less than 3 years before realizing I couldn't do it.

Absolutely zero part of me thinks I could get back on anything like that treadmill. Like you, it also causes me a ton of anxiety and amplifies my depression because I fully understand that to operate in this world we must eventually sell our labor to live. I have a wife as well that works and thinks things will just "work out" but doesn't quite understand the eventualities life can throw at you because of her relatively sheltered upbringing.

I don't have any wise words, but I can offer empathy, I'm in situation like you, only difference is that I have worked and I know I will be unable to do it again.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I started small by volunteering at different places. You've got to want to though and if you don't want that you'll never get the push you need to do it