Help I want to hang at home, but...

[HGL91]

I've been planning my suicide for about a month and a half now. I'm getting rope at the store tomorrow and going to do partial hanging.

I want to hang at home when I'm alone, but recently I moved to my mom's after leaving my alcoholic, abusive boyfriend. I can't think of anywhere else I can be sure to be alone for a few hours away from people, but I don't want her to discover my body. Even though she's a retired Oncology Nurse and we both were caregivers to her mom and saw her die, I can't imagine the psychological damage it would do to her.

At the same time, I NEED to CTB by partial hanging. It's the best method for me. And I want to be as comfortable and stress free as possible.

Any advice??

 

[Lady black]

Book a hotel room or a cottage with beams
If there´s no other chance than to hang at home, pull something like a hangman´s hood over your head, before you fix the noose. Maybe use a pillow case. So your mum won´t see your hanged face and it won´t be as much shocking as without the hood

 

[HGL91]

Book a hotel room or a cottage with beams
If there´s no other chance than to hang at home, pull something like a hangman´s hood over your head, before you fix the noose. Maybe use a pillow case. So your mum won´t see your hanged face and it won´t be as much shocking as without the hood

The hood/pillow case is a good idea.

Hotel is a possibility as well. I know it sounds kind of messed up to say I don't care if a stranger finds me, but at this point, I don't. I've been hurt by so many people in my 27 years, I just don't care anymore. Which is another reason I want to CTB. I miss the sweet, empathetic young woman I was before being bullied so much in the workplace and being heartbroken by so many men who said for years that they loved me, when they really just loved taking advantage of me, seeing me as something to have power over.

 

[Lady black]

It´s easier for a stranger to find you dangling in a noose than someone that loves you

 

[HGL91]

It´s easier for a stranger to find you dangling in a noose than someone that loves you

Definitely, considering they wouldn't have an emotional attachment. Still, I can imagine if I worked at a hotel and saw that gruesome sight, at the least, I wouldn't be thrilled about going to work the next day...

Oh well. Life is full of disappointments.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in so much pain and that you are now at this point. I wish there was some way to take this darkness and turn it to light.
Here is the way I have considered doing it at home.
Leave a note somewhere prominent where it will be seen when they come in before anything else (bear in mind if they arrive home with kids, dogs, shopping and may be distracted).
CTB in locked room with note on the door: "Do not come in, call the police"
They will probably enter anyway but I think that is reasonable steps to protect them.

Good luck sister I hope you can find what you're looking for and peace be with you

DBD

 

[Baskol1]

Is there really no other way for you? I know its a pro choice forum, but still, suicide should be the last option. And dont think its that easy to overcome your survival instinct.

 

[HGL91]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in so much pain and that you are now at this point. I wish there was some way to take this darkness and turn it to light.
Here is the way I have considered doing it at home.
Leave a note somewhere prominent where it will be seen when they come in before anything else (bear in mind if they arrive home with kids, dogs, shopping and may be distracted).
CTB in locked room with note on the door: "Do not come in, call the police"
They will probably enter anyway but I think that is reasonable steps to protect them.

Good luck sister I hope you can find what you're looking for and peace be with you

DBD

Thank you. Knowing my mom, she probably would break down the door. She adopted me as a single woman, and working as a Nurse and taking care of me has been a huge part of her adult life. Me dying will be devastating for her...

I probably should just do it at a hotel. :/

 

[Lady black]

Or maybe have a look for a partner with a place where both of you can hang

 

[HGL91]

Is there really no other way for you? I know its a pro choice forum, but still, suicide should be the last option. And dont think its that easy to overcome your survival instinct.

My mental health has declined from ages 18 to 27 drastically. My last hope was working as an exercise instructor, farmers market associate and yoga teacher, eating a vegan diet for 6 years, volunteering with animals, joining a woman's entrepreneur group, taking antidepressants and living with a boyfriend I planned to marry. It didn't work out. I'm tired of trying.

Before that, I worked as a CNA and studied Nursing for 3 years before I dropped out to care for my adopted grandmother when she was dying who raised me at the side of my adopted mom, and then being emotional support to my mom after losing her mom that she had in her life for 60 years.

Balancing mental and physical health, finances, housework, work, fun, human relationships, beauty, and trying to remain a good, kind person is too much for me. And while I was raised Christian, I'm an Atheist, so I believe eternal rest is after life. I'm too sensitive for this world. I need out.

 

[Lady black]

I understand your reasons

 

[calendulo]

Yes I have an advice, well, really I have two.
Try full suspension hanging instead partial, to kill yourself are not comfortable and free stress, any method is stressing though.

And you could do it at boyfriend's home, he deserves to know how much pain he put into your life.

 

[Dead beat dad]

My mental health has declined from ages 18 to 27 drastically. My last hope was working as an exercise instructor, farmers market associate and yoga teacher, eating a vegan diet for 6 years, volunteering with animals, joining a woman's entrepreneur group, taking antidepressants and living with a boyfriend I planned to marry. It didn't work out. I'm tired of trying.

Before that, I worked as a CNA and studied Nursing for 3 years before I dropped out to care for my adopted grandmother when she was dying who raised me at the side of my adopted mom, and then being emotional support to my mom after losing her mom that she had in her life for 60 years.

Balancing mental and physical health, finances, housework, work, fun, human relationships, beauty, and trying to remain a good, kind person is too much for me. And while I was raised Christian, I'm an Atheist, so I believe eternal rest is after life. I'm too sensitive for this world. I need out.

This sounds like you've really been through the ringer and are trying to spin lots of plates. It's super easy to give advice when we're not in your shoes, but there are so many on here who know exactly where you're coming from and can relate to what you're saying.
It sounds like you're doing your valiant best to support those around you, do you have anyone who can support you?
You day you've taken antidepressants, what sort of therapy have you been through? Do you have any close friends you could discreetly open up to (again I understand this is easy to say, not so easy to do)?

 

[HGL91]

This sounds like you've really been through the ringer and are trying to spin lots of plates. It's super easy to give advice when we're not in your shoes, but there are so many on here who know exactly where you're coming from and can relate to what you're saying.
It sounds like you're doing your valiant best to support those around you, do you have anyone who can support you?
You day you've taken antidepressants, what sort of therapy have you been through? Do you have any close friends you could discreetly open up to (again I understand this is easy to say, not so easy to do)?

I grew up near Beverly Hills in Los Angeles, so I felt a lot of pressure to have a successful career, while also being a good family woman, and looking like a Hollywood star. I think I've just run out of steam after living so fast paced for 25 years.

I've had the best therapy...$100/hr therapists, inpatient and outpatient therapy at UCLA, and no, no close friends. Had one best friend of 14 years, but she moved to Canada to get her Masters in Nursing, so we have drifted.

I'm the loneliest I've felt in my whole life. My 2 female cousins were like sisters to me growing up, only a year n 2 older than me, and after my grandmother died, they completely ditched me, and said they didn't want to be close anymore.

I dedicated a lot of myself to a few people in my life, and aside from my mom, they're all gone, and whenever I try to make new friends, it doesn't feel the same. It feels robotic, fake, and my mind thinks "what's the point? They'll be in n out of my life anyways."

Yes I have an advice, well, really I have two.
Try full suspension hanging instead partial, to kill yourself are not comfortable and free stress, any method is stressing though.

And you could do it at boyfriend's home, he deserves to know how much pain he put into your life.

I like the idea of blacking out and then dying with Partial though. I'm afraid of breaking my neck with Full, but not dying and becoming a parapalegic. The higher the break on the spine, the worse the damage, and breaking a cervical vertebrae causes full paralysis.

Strangely enough, I still feel pity on my boyfriend. He had very dysfunctional parents. His mom was 44 when she had him. His dad was 35 and a successful Sound Engineer in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, but got into alcohol, cocaine and meth, almost killing his mom in front of him when he was 8 by strangling her. He had bad role models, and couldn't overcome that and go his own path. Course, it's easier to think that way when I'm not living with him and he's abusing me.

 

[transgenderfailure]

The eternal struggle of not wanting to hurt our beloved moms... it hurts so much to think what our moms will go through when they find out we are no more.

Please, if you decide to go through with your plan, don't let your mom find you.

I am so sad that you've been through all this. You seem like such a kind individual and deserve to be happy.

 

[HGL91]

The eternal struggle of not wanting to hurt our beloved moms... it hurts so much to think what our moms will go through when they find out we are no more.

Please, if you decide to go through with your plan, don't let your mom find you.

I am so sad that you've been through all this. You seem like such a kind individual and deserve to be happy.

Yeah, I really don't want to hurt my adopted mom. My birth mom, I resent for not aborting me. My adopted mom though; she's like a saint. She fostered me at 9 months old, and then adopted me when I was 5. For those 5 years, the court pulled me back n' forth from her to my birth mom, and she didn't give up on me. She saved me from a life in the darkest part of Downtown Los Angeles, growing up with a birth mom who had bad drug addiction and was an ex-porn star. I connected with my birth mom when I was 20 and check her Facebook sometimes. I'm surprised she's still alive. She's had a rough life.

I'm leaning far towards the hotel idea. I don't want my mom to see me like that. :(

 

[transgenderfailure]

Yeah, I really don't want to hurt my adopted mom. My birth mom, I resent for not aborting me. My adopted mom though; she's like a saint. She fostered me at 9 months old, and then adopted me when I was 5. For those 5 years, the court pulled me back n' forth from her to my birth mom, and she didn't give up on me. She saved me from a life in the darkest part of Downtown Los Angeles, growing up with a birth mom who had bad drug addiction and was an ex-porn star. I connected with my birth mom when I was 20 and check her Facebook sometimes. I'm surprised she's still alive. She's had a rough life.

I'm leaning far towards the hotel idea. I don't want my mom to see me like that. :(

Wow, I think you must've inherited your kindness from your mom. She sounds like an amazing woman.

I can imagine there must be feelings of guilt for wanting to go through with ctb, especially when she saved you from living with your troubled birthmom.

What a difficult situation. I wish I could help you solve it all. :(

 

[HGL91]

Wow, I think you must've inherited your kindness from your mom. She sounds like an amazing woman.

I can imagine there must be feelings of guilt for wanting to go through with ctb, especially when she saved you from living with your troubled birthmom.

What a difficult situation. I wish I could help you solve it all. :(

Thank you. I do feel guilt. My hope is that she'll be able to keep going with the other aspects of her life. We have a lot of family here, and they're incredibly nice people.

It's tempting to stick around because I'm experiencing some happiness again having moved back with my mom and reconnecting with her step brother's family. Especially when I spend time with my 5 nieces and nephews ages 5 to 10 and a 6 month old baby nephew, but I just can't risk having another traumatic experience.

I feel like I've experienced as much grief as I can handle, and my life has a pattern of being bad then good then worse than before then good then worse than before and I realize the only reason it ever gets good again is because my family saves me. If it wasn't for my family, I'd be screwed because I've never had friends that reciprocated the dedication I gave them, and humans definitely can't survive alone.

 

[transgenderfailure]

Thank you. I do feel guilt. My hope is that she'll be able to keep going with the other aspects of her life. We have a lot of family here, and they're incredibly nice people.

It's tempting to stick around because I'm experiencing some happiness again having moved back with my mom and reconnecting with her step brother's family. Especially when I spend time with my 5 nieces and nephews ages 5 to 10 and a 6 month old baby nephew, but I just can't risk having another traumatic experience.

I feel like I've experienced as much grief as I can handle, and my life has a pattern of being bad then good then worse than before then good then worse than before and I realize the only reason it ever gets good again is because my family saves me. If it wasn't for my family, I'd be screwed because I've never had friends that reciprocated the dedication I gave them, and humans definitely can't survive alone.

The thing I don't like about life is that we never know what happens next. You seem to enjoy spending time with your family but you can't really allow yourself to enjoy it because you're afraid of going through trauma again. That's so sad and painful to read :(.

Do you think there is a way for you to... work around the fear of being traumatized? I don't want to sound like a - what's it called - an do-gooder person. But what if this pattern you talk about can be broken? Like you seem to really be aware of these patterns and maybe moving forward, with your knowledge about how life usually goes, you can detect the warning signs?

Maybe practicing mindfulness and living in the moment will help you cope a bit with all these intense feelings, I think it would do you good to let the 'some happiness' you're experiencing atm to engulf you for a bit and see where it takes you. You seem to trust your family, and if they bring you some happiness, let them give it to you.

I can relate so much to friends not reciprocating the effort. I've had 1 good friend in my life and she's still in my life at the moment, from all the stories I read I was just lucky to find someone like her.

Btw if I said smth wrong or annoying, sorry, I don't want to add to your suffering just trying to think along with you <3

 

[HGL91]

The thing I don't like about life is that we never know what happens next. You seem to enjoy spending time with your family but you can't really allow yourself to enjoy it because you're afraid of going through trauma again. That's so sad and painful to read :(.

Do you think there is a way for you to... work around the fear of being traumatized? I don't want to sound like a - what's it called - an do-gooder person. But what if this pattern you talk about can be broken? Like you seem to really be aware of these patterns and maybe moving forward, with your knowledge about how life usually goes, you can detect the warning signs?

Maybe practicing mindfulness and living in the moment will help you cope a bit with all these intense feelings, I think it would do you good to let the 'some happiness' you're experiencing atm to engulf you for a bit and see where it takes you. You seem to trust your family, and if they bring you some happiness, let them give it to you.

I can relate so much to friends not reciprocating the effort. I've had 1 good friend in my life and she's still in my life at the moment, from all the stories I read I was just lucky to find someone like her.

Btw if I said smth wrong or annoying, sorry, I don't want to add to your suffering just trying to think along with you <3

I appreciate the compassion. I wish I could just be in the moment this time, but I just can't.

Back in December, my car hydroplaned at night in the rain, spun 4 times so fast I couldn't register what was happening, and then the back corner crashed into a wall. It was totaled, but I wasn't injured physically at all.

However, it brought me back to that mentality of how I could be happy one moment, and have something I love, and the next moment, it could be gone, whether a car I love, or a person, or a job, or a home...I just don't want experience that carefree happiness again, only to be emotionally destroyed when the world decides to take something away. :/ I've experienced the roller coaster more than I can bear.

I'm still here though. :) Getting my rope tomorrow but not CTBing tomorrow.

 

[transgenderfailure]

I appreciate the compassion. I wish I could just be in the moment this time, but I just can't.

Back in December, my car hydroplaned at night in the rain, spun 4 times so fast I couldn't register what was happening, and then the back corner crashed into a wall. It was totaled, but I wasn't injured physically at all.

However, it brought me back to that mentality of how I could be happy one moment, and have something I love, and the next moment, it could be gone, whether a car I love, or a person, or a job, or a home...I just don't want experience that carefree happiness again, only to be emotionally destroyed when the world decides to take something away. :/ I've experienced the roller coaster more than I can bear.

I'm still here though. :) Getting my rope tomorrow but not CTBing tomorrow.

Holy shit that's awful, how scary...

I am actually also scared of how life can just rip away anything at any time without warning or care. Like even if I go into recovery or anything like that (which isn't an option in the first place) then life can just be like 'gj recovering, now get cancer' or smth like that IDK. It's just such a diceroll.

There's no denying that you've been through a lot, I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

 

[calendulo]

Thank you. I do feel guilt. My hope is that she'll be able to keep going with the other aspects of her life. We have a lot of family here, and they're incredibly nice people.

It's tempting to stick around because I'm experiencing some happiness again having moved back with my mom and reconnecting with her step brother's family. Especially when I spend time with my 5 nieces and nephews ages 5 to 10 and a 6 month old baby nephew, but I just can't risk having another traumatic experience.

I feel like I've experienced as much grief as I can handle, and my life has a pattern of being bad then good then worse than before then good then worse than before and I realize the only reason it ever gets good again is because my family saves me. If it wasn't for my family, I'd be screwed because I've never had friends that reciprocated the dedication I gave them, and humans definitely can't survive alone.

Great, you sound me good, nice. That's a good idea searching family support and better a big family.
you need progress in your life and the movement demostrates itself when you are walking forwards and I hear you as a persistent person.
You has won lefting behind to your boyfriend.
I am glad really.

 

[HGL91]

Holy shit that's awful, how scary...

I am actually also scared of how life can just rip away anything at any time without warning or care. Like even if I go into recovery or anything like that (which isn't an option in the first place) then life can just be like 'gj recovering, now get cancer' or smth like that IDK. It's just such a diceroll.

There's no denying that you've been through a lot, I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

Yeah. It's so true. Life doesn't go "Aw, you've been through a lot. Tell you what, I'll wait 5 years to give you cancer." No, sometimes multiple bad things happen at once and it's terrifying to feel like you're hopeless.

I feel extra depressed when I see homeless people, because if my mom didn't let me stay with her, I'd have been evicted from my home very soon because I couldn't pay rent for more than a month more. Sometimes, you can work your butt off in life, be optimistic and still get screwed over. :/

Great, you sound me good, nice. That's a good idea searching family support and better a big family.
you need progress in your life and the movement demostrates itself when you are walking forwards and I hear you as a persistent person.
You has won lefting behind to your boyfriend.
I am glad really.

Thanks for the support. It's weird because I know I'm physically moving forward, but mentally, I'm still very stuck in the past.

However, when I was teaching yoga, I always stayed present or planned for the near future, and that started to stress me out too because then I questioned what the point of living was if I lived moment to moment and never celebrated or pondered about the past? About my accomplishments, or my celebrations, or friendships, or schools I attended, previous jobs I had...Why experience something if it will be forgotten? I don't know what to think. :/

 

[Lookingforabus]

Definitely, considering they wouldn't have an emotional attachment. Still, I can imagine if I worked at a hotel and saw that gruesome sight, at the least, I wouldn't be thrilled about going to work the next day...

Oh well. Life is full of disappointments.

Well, Five Last Acts does recommend leaving a good tip for the cleaning staff if you CtB in a hotel room. Seems like the considerate thing to do.

I like the idea of blacking out and then dying with Partial though. I'm afraid of breaking my neck with Full, but not dying and becoming a parapalegic. The higher the break on the spine, the worse the damage, and breaking a cervical vertebrae causes full paralysis.

Typically only seen in drop hangings, but not a real risk in the usual full suspension hanging.

 

[Ruffian]

Well, Five Last Acts does recommend leaving a good tip for the cleaning staff if you CtB in a hotel room. Seems like the considerate thing to do.



Typically only seen in drop hangings, but not a real risk in the usual full suspension hanging.

I have Five Last Acts, but it's in storage. I don't remember that, now I want another reading. I think hanging is so complicated. But I must be making it out to be harder than reality since so many people do it successfully. I would do it at a hotel

 

[HGL91]

@Lookingforabus Maybe I'll look more into full suspension. Something about partial suspension and touching the floor feels more grounded and comforting though.

 

[Lookingforabus]

@Lookingforabus Maybe I'll look more into full suspension. Something about partial suspension and touching the floor feels more grounded and comforting though.

Can't argue with that. Full suspension is #4 on my list of methods (inert gas, sodium azide, partial suspension or ligature compression, full suspension). I'm having trouble compressing my carotids reliably, so dying painfully from a collapsed windpipe for a few minutes seems like a real possibility, and one that I'd like to avoid. Although, if it comes to that, it's at least preferable to living another 40 or 50 years.

 

[HGL91]

Can't argue with that. Full suspension is #4 on my list of methods (inert gas, sodium azide, partial suspension or ligature compression, full suspension). I'm having trouble compressing my carotids reliably, so dying painfully from a collapsed windpipe for a few minutes seems like a real possibility, and one that I'd like to avoid. Although, if it comes to that, it's at least preferable to living another 40 or 50 years.

Really? Why is it hard to compress your carotids?

I've found for me, it's very easy. I'm an average weight but I carry most of my weight in my hips and butt, so my neck is pretty slim and I'd probably have to be like 180 lbs to get a second chin, but I'm 150 lbs and have a defined jawline. Even with a dog leash for practice, I got dizzy and felt like I was ready to pass out.

I'm afraid of the mental affects drugs cause, I'm afraid of heights, and I don't think I'm smart enough to make an Exit Bag, so hanging seems like my only option.

 

[Lookingforabus]

Really? Why is it hard to compress your carotids?

I don't know. One of them seems to be deeper and resistant to being compressed.

 

[HGL91]

I don't know. One of them seems to be deeper and resistant to being compressed.

What are your top 3 preferred methods, since you said hanging was #4?