Painless_end
Life is too difficult for me
- Oct 11, 2019
- 794
I imagine myself dying everyday.
I was doomed as soon as I became a legal adult. I hated the world. I hated responsibilities. But I was able to overcome my hatred partially through sheer mental willpower and some spiritual leanings about fate and hardships.
But overall, I was never well adjusted for an extended period of time. I suffered terrible bouts of mental pain because of how much willpower I had to use to do things that came to others at much less willpower.
I always knew deep down what my problem was. And I also knew it couldn't be corrected in a meaningful way. This was very problematic because it means that I have to survive life while being some sort of weird malfunctioning individual with extremely regressive mental tendencies. Some of my friends thought I was just too introverted. But my problems went beyond that.
To cut another long story short, I had a very narrow window of time during which I had to make the jump from aimless teenager to functional adult, and I couldn't sustain it.
The major cause of my failure is that I always wanted to do very little work, like an artist completing a single painting, and then sit back and rest on my laurels. This kind of lack of motivation to keep growing really has destroyed my life to a great extent.
I have no desire to grow or earn money. I have no desire for anything. So I keep on thinking about death. I keep on wishing every day that I will not live to see another day. Because I know what I lost, I will never get it back.
However, I still look both ways before I cross the street because I don't want to be hit by a car. I keep wishing and hoping for an instant, painless death. Some kind of miracle that will just wipe the consciousness from my body in an instant without any pain.
I was doomed as soon as I became a legal adult. I hated the world. I hated responsibilities. But I was able to overcome my hatred partially through sheer mental willpower and some spiritual leanings about fate and hardships.
But overall, I was never well adjusted for an extended period of time. I suffered terrible bouts of mental pain because of how much willpower I had to use to do things that came to others at much less willpower.
I always knew deep down what my problem was. And I also knew it couldn't be corrected in a meaningful way. This was very problematic because it means that I have to survive life while being some sort of weird malfunctioning individual with extremely regressive mental tendencies. Some of my friends thought I was just too introverted. But my problems went beyond that.
To cut another long story short, I had a very narrow window of time during which I had to make the jump from aimless teenager to functional adult, and I couldn't sustain it.
The major cause of my failure is that I always wanted to do very little work, like an artist completing a single painting, and then sit back and rest on my laurels. This kind of lack of motivation to keep growing really has destroyed my life to a great extent.
I have no desire to grow or earn money. I have no desire for anything. So I keep on thinking about death. I keep on wishing every day that I will not live to see another day. Because I know what I lost, I will never get it back.
However, I still look both ways before I cross the street because I don't want to be hit by a car. I keep wishing and hoping for an instant, painless death. Some kind of miracle that will just wipe the consciousness from my body in an instant without any pain.