Oof, I feel the weight of your words so heavily in my chest. I imagine it gets really fucking lonely. There is so much about this existence that is cruel, unjust, unforgivable, inexcusable. Sometimes we have a major part to play in that, and sometimes we are the victim of it. Sounds like you have experienced both. You're extremely hard on yourself and though I understand what that feels like, my heart breaks for you. I wish you could see yourself with more grace, and I hate that the world has tainted your view of who you are. And who you could become.
Feeling "fucked up" is basically my tagline, and I know it feels like no one could ever understand. That no one could ever see or hear or feel the thoughts and fears inside your head. That your trauma will never be healed or met with compassion. That things just don't make any fucking sense, and who is going to care?
Hey, I get it. I'm sorry it is so damn difficult. I wish I could ease your pain for you in even the slightest way. It hurts me so much to see people on here just desperate for a way out, and full of hatred toward their own being. It hurts because I know what it feels like, and it's really fucking exhausting. It's fucking excruciating.
I don't know what to say other than that I want to place a bet that you aren't actually disgusting. I want to venture a guess that you have a compassionate heart for others, love in your soul to give and receive, and I want to believe in hope for you. Perhaps you are more valuable than you think - more worthy than you deem yourself to be. I'm not usually wrong about these things - not to toot my own horn - but I'd put money down on it, and that's not nothing.
