ropeburns&migranes
It’s so over
- Nov 30, 2023
- 78
My first attempt was last year, 2022. When I woke up alive in my bed, head spinning, I knew I messed up. "Messed up" not in the way of regretting the attempt but regretting not using a more lethal method. My choice and only option at the time were pills. When my parents found out they overreacted and called 911, and an ambulance drove me to the hospital. I felt like such a nuisance, wasting tax dollars on my pathetic ass. When I was good enough to leave the hospital some psychologists wanted to interview me and my parents. Apparently, my mom bawled her eyes out according to my dad. He also said my brother cared about me and if I were ever actually to die before him he would kill himself too.
These days my only reason for not attempting again was my dad. After the initial shock, my mom seemed sad not because her kid was suicidal but because she just gets sad over the topic of death. I think my dad was saying all that stuff to try to comfort me despite them being lies. It's so selfish of him not to let me kill myself. I'm worthless and miserable so why does he want to keep torturing me? It's not like I wanted to be here at least give me a choice. The thing is I don't want anyone to care if I disappeared I just want to end this existence. Please god, just let me go.
This time things will be different. I'll make sure I'm dead if it's the last thing I do... because it will. Since I'm currently not residing in a country where guns are as easy to buy as a packet of cigarettes, I've decided to hang myself this time. I already bought a nice sturdy rope. This way there's no backing out, as if I would ever want to. I just need to find a good place to do it, as soon as I have that all figured out I'll engage my plan immediately. I can't do it in my room because I'm currently renting, I don't want to mess up my landlord's room or traumatize him when he finds me. I live in the city so there aren't a lot of secluded areas. I could do it in the woods by a trail but I know a lot of teens and families go there so that's a no-go. I want to make sure whoever finds me isn't an elderly or a child.
Thanks for reading a bit about my story, any suggestions would be great.
These days my only reason for not attempting again was my dad. After the initial shock, my mom seemed sad not because her kid was suicidal but because she just gets sad over the topic of death. I think my dad was saying all that stuff to try to comfort me despite them being lies. It's so selfish of him not to let me kill myself. I'm worthless and miserable so why does he want to keep torturing me? It's not like I wanted to be here at least give me a choice. The thing is I don't want anyone to care if I disappeared I just want to end this existence. Please god, just let me go.
This time things will be different. I'll make sure I'm dead if it's the last thing I do... because it will. Since I'm currently not residing in a country where guns are as easy to buy as a packet of cigarettes, I've decided to hang myself this time. I already bought a nice sturdy rope. This way there's no backing out, as if I would ever want to. I just need to find a good place to do it, as soon as I have that all figured out I'll engage my plan immediately. I can't do it in my room because I'm currently renting, I don't want to mess up my landlord's room or traumatize him when he finds me. I live in the city so there aren't a lot of secluded areas. I could do it in the woods by a trail but I know a lot of teens and families go there so that's a no-go. I want to make sure whoever finds me isn't an elderly or a child.
Thanks for reading a bit about my story, any suggestions would be great.
