Venting I want to die, but killing myself scares me

[BipolarExpress]

I've been suicidal for the better part of this year (and have dealt with passive suicidal ideation for much longer than that), and although I've bought SN and have the tools to measure it out, I haven't had the balls to do it quite yet. I don't want to live anymore, but the idea of ending my own life still terrifies me. I wish I could just curl up and die a natural death, but I'm only in my mid-30s, so that's unlikely to happen. I have chronic conditions, but they're the kind that kill you slowly and painfully. I suspect this is my survival instinct talking—or maybe my OCD, since I worry about how I'll be remembered, what I'll leave behind, and how people will react after I'm gone. Of course, I'll be dead, so it shouldn't matter in theory, but it still does. (There's also the part of me that fears hellfire and damnation—an unfortunate and illogical byproduct of an intensely evangelical upbringing.)

 

[offbalance]

examine if there's things that are keeping you here (like hopes dreams etc) and if there is you have to decide whether that makes it worth sticking around. but yeah it can be easier said than done, cause there's no objective answer… good luck.

 

[Quinlor]

I've been suicidal for the better part of this year (and have dealt with passive suicidal ideation for much longer than that), and although I've bought SN and have the tools to measure it out, I haven't had the balls to do it quite yet. I don't want to live anymore, but the idea of ending my own life still terrifies me. I wish I could just curl up and die a natural death, but I'm only in my mid-30s, so that's unlikely to happen. I have chronic conditions, but they're the kind that kill you slowly and painfully. I suspect this is my survival instinct talking—or maybe my OCD, since I worry about how I'll be remembered, what I'll leave behind, and how people will react after I'm gone. Of course, I'll be dead, so it shouldn't matter in theory, but it still does. (There's also the part of me that fears hellfire and damnation—an unfortunate and illogical byproduct of an intensely evangelical upbringing.)

If you have doubts you don't want to ctb simple as that. Do not confuse sensations, feelings with reason. If you feel bad about something, the distance to want to die is enormous. Ctb is a huge decision and requires a lot of thought. I hope I have helped, a hug!

 

[jodes2]

Sorry about your fears! It's the loneliness of dying alone that gets me the most, closely following SNs side effects. I'd find a suicide partner but I can't fix a date just like that - besides, if one survives, it could mean getting into trouble.

I'm sorry you have chronic conditions that get worse and bring a slow death, I know I'd CTB too before it got too bad. I wish I could die naturally too, painlessly, but I'm 41 so counting down the 15,000 days until my natural death is due. I don't think I'll be waiting that long. Just wish I had N

 

[Rational man]

I have incurable autoimmune disease and treatment is like bailing out a sinking boat with a bucket. I will die but I'm afraid of the death process but not death itself. Life is a struggle. I wish you peace❤

 

[FuneralCry]

At least having the option of SN means that you have a way of being free from this world for when the time is right for you, but after all as we all know actually going through with suicide is not straightforward. I believe that in many cases, people get desperate and the suffering they go through becomes too much for them to bear and this allows them to overcome any fears that they may have. After all so many have succeeded with all kinds of methods and I envy them.

But at least you have one of the more preferable methods (but of course nothing is more ideal than N), so you are not trapped here with no way out. It would be for the best though if we had the option to just peacefully pass away in our sleep without having to think about methods and experiencing the process of dying. That is what I wish for more than anything. I wish you the best.

 

[wastph6286]

I just want to say I can relate on so many levels to what you said. While our situations could be very different, I have the same thoughts as you related to chronic illness and wanting a natural death. I mostly want a natural death so my loved ones don't have to deal with the aftermath of suicide. I used to think I could see some light and things might get better but that has dimmed so quickly. How/why are we expected to live like this? Why can't there be an accessible peaceful method?

 

[BipolarExpress]

At least having the option of SN means that you have a way of being free from this world for when the time is right for you, but after all as we all know actually going through with suicide is not straightforward. I believe that in many cases, people get desperate and the suffering they go through becomes too much for them to bear and this allows them to overcome any fears that they may have. After all so many have succeeded with all kinds of methods and I envy them.

But at least you have one of the more preferable methods (but of course nothing is more ideal than N), so you are not trapped here with no way out. It would be for the best though if we had the option to just peacefully pass away in our sleep without having to think about methods and experiencing the process of dying. That is what I wish for more than anything. I wish you the best.

Thank you. Honestly, having a way out makes it a little easier to endure life. I wish, too, that there were ways that we could tell our bodies to die in our sleep without having to worry about often-unreliable methods.