Venting I want to die but I’m scared of dying

[srixbiriyani]

Im 18 years old and just started going to college. My life has never really been that happy. Growing up I was this hyperactive adhd kid and although I was "good" at math, I never managed to have a normal social life. Fast forwarding to elementary and middle school, I was always compared to those around me by my father and I really did feel worthless. I became this really weird kid who was very jealous of others and wanted some attention. But hey, thats just the past right? I struggled a lot in highschool because I realized how talentless and worthless I am. I see all these good looking guys with nice hair, bodies, good friend circle, and are near perfection. At first instead of just watching, I did my best to be like them. I started going to the gym and being active and trying to be a attractive person. But I failed. People always made fun of my high hairline and ugly face. My dad made me finish 2 years of highschool in India later and I suffered a lot because of my american accent and failed most of my tests except for barely passing finals because I had to copy off somebody. I tried so hard to turn my life around but nothing. I give up because there's nothing left fighting for. This is my reality, I am just a loser. I don't even have anybody who could understand why I'm like this. Suicide has been in my mind for so many years but the only thing stopping me is the fear of death being an eternal darkness. I wish I was like the others but I now know I never will be. To hell with my pathetic existence.

 

[drearybreadd]

It doesn't sound like you actually want to die. It sounds like you're just really lonely and struggling with your sense of identity and mental health. You just started college, I mean, you shouldn't take your highschool experience so seriously because I guarantee you're not the only one who felt that way. You should be afraid of death, you're only 18 and you still have your whole life ahead of you. It's normal to have identity issues at this age and even get depression and mental health problems especially if you're already struggling with a lot. You still have the chance to improve yourself and you definitely are capable of it because you put that effort in during highschool and even now by going to college. You should stop comparing yourself to others so much and look at how far you've come instead. Use this low point as an impulse for change. You really shouldn't consider suicide until you've really tried everything. Have you tried therapy, or self care, or just listening to your own body and mind and focusing on what you want instead of looking for what you don't have in other people? You will never be happy in life if you're simply comparing yourself to others and calling yourself a loser. Fuck the people who made fun of you in high school. Do the opinions of those who only care about looks really matter? They're the real losers here. Making fun of someone for what they can't control is probably the lowest one can possibly go, and it's hard but you need to understand that they were just insecure pricks and you're so strong for fighting through all that and making the effort to be better. Working hard and trying to improve yourself is literally the least loser thing you can do, how could you possibly think that about yourself? In the end it's your choice, but I really think you should consider if ctb is the best choice, or if you really do have the potential to live out the life you dream of. You say no one understands how you feel, but I think this place is full of people going through similar things. I'm so sorry the people in your life failed you because you didn't deserve that. I'm sure you can find someone to talk to on here, I'm always open for vents as well.

 

[Rational Actor]

Hi @srixbiriyani

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering. It sounds like your life has not been easy. I wish I could tell you that everything will magically get better tomorrow. But that would be bullshit.

I can tell you that I know of several "awkward" kids who grew into well-adjusted adults who have all the trappings of a successful life including a family of their own, good friends, a rewarding career, and fun hobbies and interesting pursuits. While that sort of life trajectory is probably not the norm, it's also not impossible.

I suppose the cruelest thing anyone can do to someone contemplating ending their life is to offer them false hope. But 18 years old is young to say, "To hell with my pathetic existence." You don't know how your life is going to turn out. As difficult and hopeless as it seems right now, I would give it a few more years to see if things work out for the better. Life after college is often less cruel from what I have observed.

If you get to be in your late 50s like me and have failed at life despite having attended a prestigious university, a top 10 business school, and having earned six-figure salaries only to end up broke, living in a degrading sober living house with absolutely no privacy, to be working a horrible, back-breaking minimum wage warehouse job with zero prospect of ever earning the kind of money I used to make because I have aged out of the Tech industry, and facing an unbearably bleak future that will just get worse and worse, then I would say by all means call it a day because you have nothing to live for in that case.

But you are not at that point. I'm not suggesting that you live in pure misery and daily debasement for the next 40 years before taking steps to end your suffering. But I would give it another 5 years to see if life is at all worth living. As superficial as this sounds, focus on making as much money as you possibly can. Because that solves most of life's problems (especially a less-than-beautiful appearance) despite what already rich and attractive people try to sanctimoniously tell you.

I hope this helps.

 

[srixbiriyani]

Hi @srixbiriyani

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering. It sounds like your life has not been easy. I wish I could tell you that everything will magically get better tomorrow. But that would be bullshit.

I can tell you that I know of several "awkward" kids who grew into well-adjusted adults who have all the trappings of a successful life including a family of their own, good friends, a rewarding career, and fun hobbies and interesting pursuits. While that sort of life trajectory is probably not the norm, it's also not impossible.

I suppose the cruelest thing anyone can do to someone contemplating ending their life is to offer them false hope. But 18 years old is young to say, "To hell with my pathetic existence." You don't know how your life is going to turn out. As difficult and hopeless as it seems right now, I would give it a few more years to see if things work out for the better. Life after college is often less cruel from what I have observed.

If you get to be in your late 50s like me and have failed at life despite having attended a prestigious university, a top 10 business school, and having earned six-figure salaries only to end up broke, living in a degrading sober living house with absolutely no privacy, to be working a horrible, back-breaking minimum wage warehouse job with zero prospect of ever earning the kind of money I used to make because I have aged out of the Tech industry, and facing an unbearably bleak future that will just get worse and worse, then I would say by all means call it a day because you have nothing to live for in that case.

But you are not at that point. I'm not suggesting that you live in pure misery and daily debasement for the next 40 years before taking steps to end your suffering. But I would give it another 5 years to see if life is at all worth living. As superficial as this sounds, focus on making as much money as you possibly can. Because that solves most of life's problems (especially a less-than-beautiful appearance) despite what already rich and attractive people try to sanctimoniously tell you.

I hope this helps.

thank you so much

It doesn't sound like you actually want to die. It sounds like you're just really lonely and struggling with your sense of identity and mental health. You just started college, I mean, you shouldn't take your highschool experience so seriously because I guarantee you're not the only one who felt that way. You should be afraid of death, you're only 18 and you still have your whole life ahead of you. It's normal to have identity issues at this age and even get depression and mental health problems especially if you're already struggling with a lot. You still have the chance to improve yourself and you definitely are capable of it because you put that effort in during highschool and even now by going to college. You should stop comparing yourself to others so much and look at how far you've come instead. Use this low point as an impulse for change. You really shouldn't consider suicide until you've really tried everything. Have you tried therapy, or self care, or just listening to your own body and mind and focusing on what you want instead of looking for what you don't have in other people? You will never be happy in life if you're simply comparing yourself to others and calling yourself a loser. Fuck the people who made fun of you in high school. Do the opinions of those who only care about looks really matter? They're the real losers here. Making fun of someone for what they can't control is probably the lowest one can possibly go, and it's hard but you need to understand that they were just insecure pricks and you're so strong for fighting through all that and making the effort to be better. Working hard and trying to improve yourself is literally the least loser thing you can do, how could you possibly think that about yourself? In the end it's your choice, but I really think you should consider if ctb is the best choice, or if you really do have the potential to live out the life you dream of. You say no one understands how you feel, but I think this place is full of people going through similar things. I'm so sorry the people in your life failed you because you didn't deserve that. I'm sure you can find someone to talk to on here, I'm always open for vents as well.

thank you for this

 

[HighFlight]

@srixbiriyani, I'm sorry you are having to go through this experience. I was diagnosed late in life with ADHD, but looking back the high school and college, I can definitely see how it impacted me. I didn't fit in at all in high school, and the harder I tried, the worse it got. Fortunately, college was a different story. I found a small school with a major I was interested in. That allowed me to hyper-focus on most of my school work. But socially awkward that continues to this day.

I generally agree with @drearybreadd. While I know it seems daunting, ADHD was been will document with various treatment options available. Coupled with therapy, you have a good chance of coming out better. ADHD worked like a superpower for the first 20 years of my professional life. I went on to marry and raise two children to adulthood.

My recommendations to you include:

1. Talk to your doctor about ADHD treatments
2. Find a therapist that you are comfortable with. (In the US, a lot of therapists will give you a free 15 intro call. Make use of this and help find someone who fits your personality.
3. Ensure the school your going to is a good fit for you. If not, look to change schools. (My son, also with ADHD, started at a large technical institute and was completely lost and miserable. He's now at a smaller school and doing very well - love the school and his new found friend group.)
4. Ensure the major you are studying is something you are interested in.
5. Give yourself a little grace to fail. Failing doesn't make you a loser - it makes you human. #BeKindToYourself

I would say it is premature to rule out recovery and focus on ctb. You always have the option to go down the ctb path. But for now, you're young enough to be able to turn all this to your advantage and live a healthy and happy life. IMHO, you owe it to yourself to try.

With all that said, only you can make the choice of which path you follow. Please know you're not alone. If nothing else, you're welcome to DM me to talk.

I hoping that you will find some peace in which ever path you decide to take.