I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself.

[braziliansuicidegirl]

I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I find myself constantly thinking that I don't want to live anymore, but when I think about taking my own life, I no longer have the same courage I felt a few years ago, not out of a fear of dying, but a fear of the consequences of that choice. I feel that nowadays I'm more aware of the impact my death would have on my family and friends, I didn't want them to know that I gave up.

I feel it would be easier if it were an accident, a physical illness, or anything that stripped me of the responsibility of leaving them. I find myself constantly thinking about how I'd like to die accidentally, hoping for something to just happen and take the responsibility of doing it away from me. Some days I even fantasize about the idea of hiring someone to kill me, it sounds like something that only works in books and movies, but it would also be much easier. Other days, I just feel like making all sorts of reckless and impulsive decisions, hoping they might kill me. Does anyone else find themselves thinking like this?

 

[hell toupee]

All the time, so you aren't alone in that aspect.

I'm fine with what I believe happens after physical existence. Its getting there that's the problem.

 

[kufajoy]

Yeah

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- absolutely. Passive ideation is peaceful. The idea of just being gone. But yeah- both the prospect of the grief a suicide leaves behind plus, the dread of actually having to harm ourselves is a horrible thought. I don't particularly want to endure natural death either to be honest!

I don't know what my parents were thinking when they inflicted all this on me. Why they even thought life was a good thing to experience is a puzzle but I truthfully feel pretty annoyed they didn't consider both their deaths (one very imminent- my Mum died when I was 3) and how that might affect me, plus my own. I think love, sex and the desire for children blinds people.

 

[Thanatos.br]

Também me sinto assim, na verdade eu não queria nem ter nascido, ou ter morrido nas 2 vezes quando era criança e fiquei extremamente doente, ironicamente minha saúde é muito boa, apesar de nao me exercitar, comer e beber exageradamente, sempre que faço exames os marcadores estão bons. E aí eu percebo que o único jeito de acabar com isso vai ter que ser com minhas próprias mãos, vai ser com minha próprias mãos que eu vou acabar com meu tormento, e também vai ser com elas que vou transferir esse tormento para as pessoas que amo. Aí a vida acaba parecendo uma prisão, em que você escolhe ficar nela, para não arrastar os outros para ela.

 

[GroundControl]

You aren't alone. I have this morally reprehensible fantasy about asking a gunman to shoot me. I don't think I'd actually do that if I was in that situation. But I long for someone else to take me out.

 

[TragedyWillFindUs]

Oh yes so much. I sometimes think about shooting myself when my mind is in idle mode but who am I kidding... I'd never had the courage to actually pull the trigger.

Dying while asleep though.... That'd be perfect.

I think it's somewhat natural that no matter how hard you want to cease to exist the process of dying is always a scary thing.

So yeah... I feel you so much <3 especially the dying by accident or dying by sickness part. On a rational level I don't wanna die like this. But if I have no control over the situation this could be an exit.