Venting I want to die but I don’t want to die

[Cloud Busting]

God damn it fuck.

I lost my job I really loved as a caregiver for the disabled. I don't like most other caregiving jobs. I don't like working with the elderly because it stresses me out, which makes me feel like an asshole. Unfortunately that's most caregiving jobs around here.

It's been almost 3 months of unemployment and I don't know what to do. I could get a job at a grocery store that pays well but like i don't want to. I had an interview at a homeless shelter but I fucked it up because I decided to attempt to ctb and it's all filled.

I really want to move next year to a town with more opportunities in the jobs im interested in, but I don't know what to do in the meantime.

I just wanna vomit. Im scared my career is fucked. I wanna try to hang myself again but im a pussy. Ugh ugh fuck me feeling worthless

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Relatable.

 

[haibane]

Im so sorry for what ure going through, life is so unfair. The fact that we dont have the right to die peacefully is truly horrific

 

[Cloud Busting]

Im so sorry for what ure going through, life is so unfair. The fact that we dont have the right to die peacefully is truly horrific

Peaceful death is overrated, and death isn't really peaceful. I'm fine with violence. I favor gunshot and hanging.

I'm worried that ctb is the wrong decision because it's giving up and also irreversible. Am I truly fucked or is there a solution? Is it rash to die or am I naive to think I can find happiness and success? Am I going to keep failing over and over again?

That is my true dilemma.

 

[ghostgirlxx_23]

Peaceful death is overrated, and death isn't really peaceful. I'm fine with violence. I favor gunshot and hanging.

I'm worried that ctb is the wrong decision because it's giving up and also irreversible. Am I truly fucked or is there a solution? Is it rash to die or am I naive to think I can find happiness and success? Am I going to keep failing over and over again?

That is my true dilemma.

I feel the same way. I wonder if I would be making the right choice by ctb. I lot of my problems are from my family, so I know things could get better once I move out. But that wouldn't be for a couple years and idk if I could wait that long. But then again I wonder if nothing would help and the only way is to ctb. It's so confusing .

 

[Cloud Busting]

I feel the same way. I wonder if I would be making the right choice by ctb. I lot of my problems are from my family, so I know things could get better once I move out. But that wouldn't be for a couple years and idk if I could wait that long. But then again I wonder if nothing would help and the only way is to ctb. It's so confusing .

I'm always oscillating between hopelessness and hopelessness.

If I choose to stay, I can always ctb later

If I ctb i can never reverse the decision

However… how will I know if my life will ever feel worth it? Is it naive to stay?

The world will never know

Ugh

 

[jbear824]

I can sort of relate. I also want and don't want to die. I want to die because for me, continuing to live guarantees further suffering. More suffering than I think I can survive anyway.

But I want to live. I want to grow old with my partner. But that's not what is going to happen and that hopeful part of me just won't let go.

I feel completely trapped in the duality. If I ctb, I can avoid being homeless, and all the suffering and horrible death that comes with being homeless. I'll also get to avoid watching my partner suffer and die in homelessness. which I don't think I can bear to witness if I live.

But...if I do that, then he has to go through being homeless alone. He has an ASD. he would die on the streets. I can't bring myself to condemn him to that. My freedom from life comes directly at the likely expense of his. And I can't do it. I love him too much to do that to him.

So, I'm just stuck here. Hoping for an unnatural "natural" death to hit me at my age. Like a heart attack or stroke. I'm obese so that increases my chances of some of those things. Even though that still results in my partner having to be homeless all alone. Which just breaks my heart.

I'm just miserable. My existence is painful. Every night I go to sleep and hope to not wake up. And then I feel guilty.

Love right now feels like torture tbh. It keeps me tethered to a life of unavoidable suffering. But I don't want to let it go.

Fuck.

 

[wheretfami]

Peaceful death is overrated, and death isn't really peaceful. I'm fine with violence. I favor gunshot and hanging.

I'm worried that ctb is the wrong decision because it's giving up and also irreversible. Am I truly fucked or is there a solution? Is it rash to die or am I naive to think I can find happiness and success? Am I going to keep failing over and over again?

That is my true dilemma.

First, I'm so sorry for the confusion and happenings you're going through, that's awful.
Opportunities happen all the time, and therefore solutions. Time as we know it moves forward, and things change, and we change. You never know exactly what will come, but know that there will be good, bad, peaceful, and anxious. And you will continue to fail throughout life but you'll also succeed. Therefore, you're not a failure, you're a person, and you're capable of success.

I'd recommend you give it a bit.
Do what you have to for now, maybe working in a grocery store for a couple months :/ just whatever job, so that you're not unemployed, that'll alleviate a bit of stress. Then in the meantime, continuing to search for your permanent job. I hope you find the job you love. You sound like a genuine, loving person, the right place will know how much of an asset you are, and they exist. Just continue searching.

 

[Cloud Busting]

First, I'm so sorry for the confusion and happenings you're going through, that's awful.

That's just life tho. Life is nonsensical and a cartoon, basically. Trying to make sense of life is what causes suffering. Humans don't merely exist. We possess the ability to question existence. This is a great source of pain.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out. But fantasizing about ctb so I don't have to deal with this is a cope. Haha.

Do what you have to for now, maybe working in a grocery store for a couple months :/

I just worry that will look bad on a resume, especially cuz I'm like 30. It's not professional, relevant career experience, you know?

 

[Need Peace]

First, I'm so sorry for the confusion and happenings you're going through, that's awful.
Opportunities happen all the time, and therefore solutions. Time as we know it moves forward, and things change, and we change. You never know exactly what will come, but know that there will be good, bad, peaceful, and anxious. And you will continue to fail throughout life but you'll also succeed. Therefore, you're not a failure, you're a person, and you're capable of success.

I'd recommend you give it a bit.
Do what you have to for now, maybe working in a grocery store for a couple months :/ just whatever job, so that you're not unemployed, that'll alleviate a bit of stress. Then in the meantime, continuing to search for your permanent job. I hope you find the job you love. You sound like a genuine, loving person, the right place will know how much of an asset you are, and they exist. Just continue searching.

Damn. I think I really needed to hear that. Thanks.

 

[wheretfami]

That's just life tho. Life is nonsensical and a cartoon, basically. Trying to make sense of life is what causes suffering. Humans don't merely exist. We possess the ability to question existence. This is a great source of pain.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out. But fantasizing about ctb so I don't have to deal with this is a cope. Haha.


I just worry that will look bad on a resume, especially cuz I'm like 30. It's not professional, relevant career experience, you know?

That's fair. I'm not sure.... but I do still believe if you're not totally sure you want to CTB yet, don't. I hope your suffering alleviates. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

That's just life tho. Life is nonsensical and a cartoon, basically. Trying to make sense of life is what causes suffering. Humans don't merely exist. We possess the ability to question existence. This is a great source of pain.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out. But fantasizing about ctb so I don't have to deal with this is a cope. Haha.


I just worry that will look bad on a resume, especially cuz I'm like 30. It's not professional, relevant career experience, you know?

 

[Cloud Busting]

That's fair. I'm not sure.... but I do still believe if you're not totally sure you want to CTB yet, don't. I hope your suffering alleviates. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I just don't know what to do about my career situation. I'm scared and I know working retail for the rest of my life is not what I want to do and I certainly don't want to be stuck there. I don't want to stall career potential.

 

[wheretfami]

Have you tried doordash? Uber/ lyft too, but I totally understand if that's a huge no.

 

[Need Peace]

If I choose to stay, I can always ctb later

I gotta remember this one sometimes.

I just worry that will look bad on a resume, especially cuz I'm like 30. It's not professional, relevant career experience, you know?

You can always leave non-relevant jobs off your resume. I've done it many times. There'll just be a gap there. At least you'll be working. Less time alone with your thoughts.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I gotta remember this one sometimes.

You can always leave non-relevant jobs off your resume. I've done it many times. There'll just be a gap there. At least you'll be working. Less time alone with your thoughts.

I dunno. Honestly I just want to work at a grocery store for awhile and volunteer at this group home on a farm, like the volunteer work would be relevant experience and the grocery store offered to pay me like $20 an hour and the pension and insurance is decent. Like for some reason I feel like a failure for doing that but I just want a break, something easy, cuz I was so burnt out on caregiving, I just want to rejuvenate. I guess I'm a snob who feels like it's "beneath" me to work retail tho. Lol. Like it's a high school job or something. And I worked hard to get into caregiving and build experience.

But like yeah, I could just start fresh in a new town next year and work a grocery job and write a functional resume and leave it off. I guess I just feel like a failure that I need a break at all.

Have you tried doordash? Uber/ lyft too, but I totally understand if that's a huge no.

I was supposed to do doordash today but I've spent all day in bed lol.

 

[Foreverix]

I dunno. Honestly I just want to work at a grocery store for awhile and volunteer at this group home on a farm, like the volunteer work would be relevant experience and the grocery store offered to pay me like $20 an hour and the pension and insurance is decent. Like for some reason I feel like a failure for doing that but I just want a break, something easy.

Have you always held yourself to these imposed standards? I would hardly see taking this job as a failure, especially for 20 an hour. I worked in a -5 cold storage driving forklifts with ex-convicts for 21.75 an hour. It sounds like a great opportunity! But I'm not you.

This is just my opinion. But one of the things that's guaranteed in life, besides death and taxes, is failure. Only you can define what that looks like for yourself, and perhaps your definition of failure is rather unforgiving, possibly unrealistic? I don't know.

Like you said, CTB is always in your proverbial pocket. So why not take a break and be free to be a plebeian?

I'm a thirty-something bum that can't seem to hold a job for more than several months and barely leaves the apartment, though. So take my nonsense with a hefty grain of salt.

 

[vaspertine]

I don't think you're a failure at all for getting a job at the grocery store, I don't think I've had a proper career job for my entire life, I just work for myself (for better and sometimes for worse lol).

As someone who also works with disabled people, there are so many jobs where you can work in a caregiving/empowerment position. A lot of huge companies have diversity and inclusion coordinators now working to empower disabled/neurodivergent people to enter the workforce and I've done a few contracts with larger companies in a disability empowerment position, I don't have any experience except I am disabled and passionate about inclusion and that got my foot in the door. Maybe it's worth taking a look on Linked In if you have the energy and seeing who is hiring around you