Venting I want to die, but I can't kill myself

[žorstka]

This whole month I've been planning to hang myself but I just can't seem to commit to it.I have all the stuff prepared - the rope, clean clothes and farewell letters are all in the sad sad corner of my room.I have done absolutely nothing today besides staring at it like an idiot for the past 3 hours and dissociating from my body.Planning every little detail of the act was nothing for me, but I kept forgetting the process I'll need to go trough.I am too much of a coward to actually kill myself.That only hit me now.I am scared to fuck it up since it is the most important decision I will ever have to make.I could've just done it impulsively,I would be dead already and everything would be much easier.But the thought of failing and being sent to a psychward is not appealing to me.Also,realising that I will never be able to fully prepare everything and do no damage is horrible.I can't control who will find me and will be left traumatised, my relatives will have to bury me and pay for my funeral and I basically know nothing about what lies beneath life.Getting older has crushed my belief that everything happens for a reason and karma is real.And I absolutely hate that since that would mean there is no reason to be a good person - you will suffer anyway.I can't continue living.I didn't ask to be born.I wish I could just disappear with no pain and impact on others lives since I am such a useless fuck up already.

 

[cryptic_cynic]

I also feel trapped because of my cowardice. I'm just hoping for an asteroid to hit the earth at this point.

And yeah, karma definitely isn't real, given how the world is run by murderous perverts who often live long, prosperous lives.

 

[suffering]

I feel you 100%. I went through the same... had everything ready, suicide notes.. Just couldn't do it. The same thoughts hunted me afterwards, like is it even worth it to be 'good'?
I have been living on autopilot since then... at first barely able to get out of bed. As cryptic_cynic mentioned.. I am just waiting for the asteroid.

 

[JimFord99]

Does not change a thing if you are good or bad. Shite just hits you anyway, no matter what. The reason why you just could not do it is you were not ready to do it because you still cling on something in life which makes it worth still living for it. If that last thing is gone then you will do it.
By the way, I like the 'waiting for the asteroid' thing, aren't we all?

 

[žorstka]

By the way, I like the 'waiting for the asteroid' thing, aren't we all?

That is probably the best thing that could happen. But realistically speaking,global warming and lack of food and water will probably cause a world war leading to the end of the world,which is way worse than an asteroid destroying the earth.

 

[Lady black]

That is probably the best thing that could happen. But realistically speaking,global warming and lack of food and water will probably cause a world war leading to the end of the world,which is way worse than an asteroid destroying the earth.

I´m also sure dangling at the end of a rope is a better end, than that

 

[JimFord99]

I´m also sure dangling at the end of a rope is a better end, than that

Indeed. Less suffering, less end game politics.

 

[justanotherday]

I feel you 100%. I went through the same... had everything ready, suicide notes.. Just couldn't do it. The same thoughts hunted me afterwards, like is it even worth it to be 'good'?
I have been living on autopilot since then... at first barely able to get out of bed. As cryptic_cynic mentioned.. I am just waiting for the asteroid.

me too... I am trying to at least find some meaning in this crazy world, if I must be stuck here. But, for the life of me, I can find no meaning in it all.

Does not change a thing if you are good or bad. Shite just hits you anyway, no matter what. The reason why you just could not do it is you were not ready to do it because you still cling on something in life which makes it worth still living for it. If that last thing is gone then you will do it.
By the way, I like the 'waiting for the asteroid' thing, aren't we all?

It is the fear of a failed attempt too.

 

[JimFord99]

me too... I am trying to at least find some meaning in this crazy world, if I must be stuck here. But, for the life of me, I can find no meaning in it all.

It is the fear of a failed attempt too.

Ok, yes, point taken.

 

[justanotherday]

Sorry, I did not mean to post multiple times. I seem to have technical difficulties on this site at times.

 

[JimFord99]

Sorry, I did not mean to post multiple times. I seem to have technical difficulties on this site at times.

No worries, that's OK.