Venting i want to die before my birthday next month

[namida]

my birthday is next month. ill be turning 23. i havent accomplished anything in life that i should have at this point. my long term boyfriend who was the last person who gave a shit about me broke up with me in october and its clear he doesnt care what happens to me anymore. i am diagnosed with bpd and no amount of therapy or medication has helped me. most doctors dont even take me seriously. i gave up on my dreams long ago because i know i will never have enough money or motivation to make them a reality. i dont want to fight to sustain a life i never asked for to begin with. on top of that, i am the child of a rape victim and it is a burden that weighs on me every day that i should have been aborted, but i wasn't.

i want to die before my birthday. but i am just too much of a coward. since age 12 ive tried overdosing on pills and they never do anything more than make me feel nauseous for a few hours. i have tried hanging myself repeatedly, to where i am now experiencing vision and hearing problems as well as tasting blood in my mouth on a regular basis. and yet, my body refused to die. i have stared out over a bridge for hours, trying to convince myself to jump, but every time being too much of a coward. i have waited hours for a train to come only to watch it pass me by instead of running in front of it.

people have tried to tell me that this is proof that i do not really want to die, and it's insulting. i have no reason to live. i serve no purpose to anyone. i exist to occupy space and waste valuable food and oxygen that could go towards someone who will actually make something of their life. the only reason im still here is because i fail at everything i do. if i fail hard enough, i could end up in a worse state than im already in- as a vegetable, or seriously disfigured in some other manner.

to die on or before my birthday would be the best gift i could ask for. but time is ticking, and i know i likely will not reach that deadline. still, i feel a sense of relief, that maybe if i'm patient, the ability to push through my fears will come through and i'll finally succeed. all of the years i've wasted right now won't mean a thing, because i'll be gone for good. i won't be here to disappoint anyone else, i won't have to suffer another day. i feel like everything is leading up to this. i will continue to waste the days away until the opportunity arises. but god, it cannot come fast enough. and im afraid that my expiration date is much further off than i would hope. still, i will keep trying. i've reached a point now where, maybe it doesn't even matter if i fail, because i was useless to everyone anyway. if im a vegetable i will serve no less purpose than i do right now. and if i don't keep trying, then i will continue to live selfishly.

thank you to anyone who read this. i just wanted to get this off my chest.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What were your dreams?

I take it DBT wasn't very helpful. I can commiserate with your frustration especially since it's always the patient who is blamed for not improving.

You have the same right to exist as anyone else. You don't owe it to anyone to sacrifice yourself. Your value as a person isn't contingent on what other people think of you or what benefit they derive from your existence. I know being able to recognize these things doesn't necessarily take away the pain though.

Anyway I can empathize with the feelings you describe. I also have a meaningful date to CTB on that's coming up but it's of course doubtful I will. Attaching significance to dates just puts so much additional pressure on us.

 

[namida]

What were your dreams?

I take it DBT wasn't very helpful. I can commiserate with your frustration especially since it's always the patient who is blamed for not improving.

You have the same right to exist as anyone else. You don't owe it to anyone to sacrifice yourself. Your value as a person isn't contingent on what other people think of you or what benefit they derive from your existence. I know being able to recognize these things doesn't necessarily take away the pain though.

Anyway I can empathize with the feelings you describe. I also have a meaningful date to CTB on that's coming up but it's of course doubtful I will. Attaching significance to dates just puts so much additional pressure on us.

i wanted to go to art school, and work in animation. my family told me to give up on ever going to art school because we dont have the money. i tried to teach myself at home but my adhd and emotional instability from my bpd makes learning anything or doing anything productive near impossible. i also just wanted to feel like i was loved and appreciated, that i added value to someone's life. i finally felt like i had someone that understood me in my past relationship. all of my relationships have fallen apart because of my bpd.

i tried dbt, i just dont get it at all. maybe its my fault. but i can hardly remember to brush my teeth every day, so remembering to take 15 minutes to meditate or "be mindful" every day is just another stress to tack on. the way a lot of it is worded is also confusing to me. ive lost the motivation to even try to improve since it's not going to make people return to my life. and whenever im having a period of happiness, ill inevitably relapse and become far, far worse.

honestly, my whole life has centered around the way others feel about me. i was never accepted by my peers growing up. i was constantly called ugly, lazy, etc, and it stuck with me. i depended on my partners for validation, and they couldnt take it anymore. im like a leech that feeds off of others. none of them feel guilty for cutting me off, none of them will care or notice if im gone. i know most people wouldn't care about someone who doesn't care about them. but i've always been unloved, and its all i wanted. i don't care about myself enough to improve my own life. i will improve myself so that others like me, and when they inevitably abandon me, i will fall apart. i don't want to go through that again. i want to hope that maybe my ex isnt entirely cruel, and maybe he will feel remorse for the way he treated me once he finds out im dead. but i won't be alive to know anyway, so it doesn't matter i guess.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i wanted to go to art school, and work in animation. my family told me to give up on ever going to art school because we dont have the money. i tried to teach myself at home but my adhd and emotional instability from my bpd makes learning anything or doing anything productive near impossible. i also just wanted to feel like i was loved and appreciated, that i added value to someone's life. i finally felt like i had someone that understood me in my past relationship. all of my relationships have fallen apart because of my bpd.

i tried dbt, i just dont get it at all. maybe its my fault. but i can hardly remember to brush my teeth every day, so remembering to take 15 minutes to meditate or "be mindful" every day is just another stress to tack on. the way a lot of it is worded is also confusing to me. ive lost the motivation to even try to improve since it's not going to make people return to my life. and whenever im having a period of happiness, ill inevitably relapse and become far, far worse.

honestly, my whole life has centered around the way others feel about me. i was never accepted by my peers growing up. i was constantly called ugly, lazy, etc, and it stuck with me. i depended on my partners for validation, and they couldnt take it anymore. im like a leech that feeds off of others. none of them feel guilty for cutting me off, none of them will care or notice if im gone. i know most people wouldn't care about someone who doesn't care about them. but i've always been unloved, and its all i wanted. i don't care about myself enough to improve my own life. i will improve myself so that others like me, and when they inevitably abandon me, i will fall apart. i don't want to go through that again. i want to hope that maybe my ex isnt entirely cruel, and maybe he will feel remorse for the way he treated me once he finds out im dead. but i won't be alive to know anyway, so it doesn't matter i guess.

Sounds like you've had some shit therapists if they couldn't even explain concepts to you, let alone help you with the way you relate to others. In fact it sounds like mental health treatment has seriously failed you, as it does many people. Do you think It is worth trying someone else at all? I completely understand if you don't want to; I just ask because it doesn't sound like you got truly adequate clinical care. I know you have strong grounds to feel the way you do, but we have to be careful about making absolute predictions about what the future is going to be. Anyway I do understand where you're coming from. BPD is very difficult, sometimes even with treatment. It's hard to motivate yourself when life is so unrewarding.

 

[namida]

Sounds like you've had some shit therapists if they couldn't even explain concepts to you, let alone help you with the way you relate to others. In fact it sounds like mental health treatment has seriously failed you, as it does many people. Do you think It is worth trying someone else at all? I completely understand if you don't want to; I just ask because it doesn't sound like you got truly adequate clinical care. I know you have strong grounds to feel the way you do, but we have to be careful about making absolute predictions about what the future is going to be. Anyway I do understand where you're coming from. BPD is very difficult, sometimes even with treatment. It's hard to motivate yourself when life is so unrewarding.

my boyfriend pleaded with me to get help before he broke up with me. i was placed on a waiting list for 6 months only to be given a therapist who only validated my self doubt. when i told her my problems were permanent and could not be changed, she did not even try to challenge that belief. she just told me "if it is permanent then you need to accept that and move on". my boyfriend thought i just wasnt trying hard enough, that i was just being stubborn and not taking my therapist's advice. every time i went to her looking for help, she would chock my problems up to me being unemployed. or, like many therapists ive seen over the years, try to contest whether i actually have bpd.

im currently seeing a new therapist but i dont want to. im only seeing her because after dropping my last shit therapist i was again put on a long waitlist and i just so happened to be next in line. if i had seen an adequate therapist, maybe none of this would have happened, maybe my boyfriend never would have left me. but it seems like no amount of therapy will ever make him love me again, i stalk his social media every day and see hes happily living life as if i never existed. i dont want to heal so that someone else will love me, i dont want to go through all of that again. my ex was my childhood best friend, and nobody will ever come close to the bond i had with him. i cannot have my heart hurt again, but i dont want to live the rest of my life alone.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

my boyfriend pleaded with me to get help before he broke up with me. i was placed on a waiting list for 6 months only to be given a therapist who only validated my self doubt. when i told her my problems were permanent and could not be changed, she did not even try to challenge that belief. she just told me "if it is permanent then you need to accept that and move on". my boyfriend thought i just wasnt trying hard enough, that i was just being stubborn and not taking my therapist's advice. every time i went to her looking for help, she would chock my problems up to me being unemployed. or, like many therapists ive seen over the years, try to contest whether i actually have bpd.

im currently seeing a new therapist but i dont want to. im only seeing her because after dropping my last shit therapist i was again put on a long waitlist and i just so happened to be next in line. if i had seen an adequate therapist, maybe none of this would have happened, maybe my boyfriend never would have left me. but it seems like no amount of therapy will ever make him love me again, i stalk his social media every day and see hes happily living life as if i never existed. i dont want to heal so that someone else will love me, i dont want to go through all of that again. my ex was my childhood best friend, and nobody will ever come close to the bond i had with him. i cannot have my heart hurt again, but i dont want to live the rest of my life alone.

I understand. Too much pain for too little reward.

 

[Heartbroken2022]

I don't have same problems as you but my own problems ended up in losing also my childhood friend.
So I can give you one advise to think: you are still only 23 and you have many good years to experiment yourself, which is something I don't have and I envy you.
Don't think of doing therapy for your friend, he is unfortunately gone (it feels pain in myself to say that, believe me). Do it for yourself, if you think it might help you.
This might give you some hope (although I feel your pain).

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that in this world actually going through with suicide is unfortunately so complicated and difficult, it doesn't mean that you are cowardly if you struggle to die as it's like the survival instinct exists just to prolong our suffering and keep us trapped here, and anyway peaceful risk free methods are restricted from us, so we have to struggle so much in finding ways to die. I find it horrifying the thought of failing ctb and the fear of that is what keeps me here.

But your wish to leave this world is understandable and I also see it as being a relief, in fact it's the only relief for me the thought of being permanently gone from this world. It really is such a cruel existence and I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here when you just wish to be free. It really sounds like you have suffered so much and I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[liana]

people have tried to tell me that this is proof that i do not really want to die, and it's insulting

I am starting to think that the consequences and the pain we expect is related to what we have already experienced, so people with a more 'normal' degree of pain in their lives don't transfer that much pain to the experience of trying to kill yourself.