I Want to CTB But I Have To Wait 6 months

[Bitchophrenic]

I have an internship at a law frim for the next 6 months and i feel as if i dont really have a choice but to wait untill its over to CTB. I just started it, and i do like it so i wanna do it, so thats whats made me so conflicted. I've had to go through enough, and hell its gonna be a really busy 6 months because of this internship, and i have a feeling im going to get burnt out before its over. I dont know what to do if not wait. Does anyone have any guidance or ideas on how i should go forward with this all? should i just keep going untill i get burnt out? thing is, if i do, than thats not really a life that was worth living. i just dont want to have the last time-peirod of my life to be boring, depressing and exhausting.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

i just dont want to have the last time-peirod of my life to be boring, depressing and exhausting

Ironic considering that is usually how a suicidal person´s life comes to an end.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

Ironic considering that is usually how a suicidal person´s life comes to an end.

Yeahhhhhhh you got a point, there really is not reason for me to try not to be as miserable as i am now, may as well just indulge in this pain.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yeahhhhhhh you got a point, there really is not reason for me to try not to be as miserable as i am now, may as well just indulge in this pain.

Well you state that you really like your internship and you don´t state why you need to ctb other than you might get burned out but I assume you´re suicidal for other reasons otherwise you wouldn´t be on this site, and it is a pro-choice site so with that in mind if you like your internship and can enjoy yourself then I think you should pursue the pleasure or happiness that you can unless you for some reason we don´t know absolutely have to ctb in 6 month then I would probably try and be more miserable to get closer to the mindset of finally ctb but even then that won´t always work because of SI (survival instinct) which many are fighting with on this site.

I also wanna mention since the this line ("i just dont want to have the last time-peirod of my life to be boring, depressing and exhausting.") makes me think of when people on this site sometimes talk about they wanna have a good times before they go usually in the form of "hookers and cocaine" just quoting what some have said and it´s a fun thought to have and I think most of us have fantasized about if we know we would ctb in e.g. 6 months just take a loan or spend your savings on trips/vacations, hookers and cocaine in Las Vegas (was the post I remember) and I am sure many people have gone out that way but I would think it would be hard to ctb after pursuing so much hedonistic pleasure, just some thoughts on the matter.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

Well you state that you really like your internship and you don´t state why you need to ctb other than you might get burned out but I assume you´re suicidal for other reasons otherwise you wouldn´t be on this site, and it is a pro-choice site so with that in mind if you like your internship and can enjoy yourself then I think you should pursue the pleasure or happiness that you can unless you for some reason we don´t know absolutely have to ctb in 6 month then I would probably try and be more miserable to get closer to the mindset of finally ctb but even then that won´t always work because of SI (survival instinct) which many are fighting with on this site.

There's definitely a lot more that i just didnt bother to mention. what i was meaning to say is that out of everything in my life right now, thats the only thing that gives me any semblance of satisfaction in life. other than those 3 hours a day, i have nothing to stay for. im behind in everything, and i cant do anything right. my parents dont even talk to me anymore becuase of how much i failed in and out of school. im gonna try to pursue my internship as much as i can, but im not sure if i have the strength to keep it up for 6 months, as much as i want to.

I also wanna mention since the this line ("i just dont want to have the last time-peirod of my life to be boring, depressing and exhausting.") makes me think of when people on this site sometimes talk about they wanna have a good times before they go usually in the form of "hookers and cocaine" just quoting what some have said and it´s a fun thought to have and I think most of us have fantasized about if we know we would ctb in e.g. 6 months just take a loan or spend your savings on trips/vacations, hookers and cocaine in Las Vegas (was the post I remember) and I am sure many people have gone out that way but I would think it would be hard to ctb after pursuing so much hedonistic pleasure, just some thoughts on the matter.

i think me saying that was my want for happiness. its that primordial feeling inside of me to want to be happy again. but i dont have the motivation or dedication to do whats considered going in the right direction. I'd consider it thinking out loud, when i said that. then again i my brain fucking sucks so who knows why i mentioned it. i definitly dont want to do anything extreme like some examples you quoted from other people. a happy last few weeks of fantasy for me would probs just either be getting to lay in bed for as long as i want un-inturupted, or (this sounds terrible i know) having some guy take me in as his for as long as he wants me, and throwing me away once he gets bored. atleast i'd feel wanted up untill the end.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

There's definitely a lot more that i just didnt bother to mention. what i was meaning to say is that out of everything in my life right now, thats the only thing that gives me any semblance of satisfaction in life. other than those 3 hours a day, i have nothing to stay for. im behind in everything, and i cant do anything right. my parents dont even talk to me anymore becuase of how much i failed in and out of school. im gonna try to pursue my internship as much as i can, but im not sure if i have the strength to keep it up for 6 months, as much as i want to.

Yeah if the internship is the only thing that brings you any form of joy then I understand why you want to hold onto it, we all need something to enjoy in life to enjoy I myself am trying to get into hobbies but it´s hard if not impossible with anhedonia.
I am also sorry to hear about your relationship with your family that is sad, family should be there for people through thick and thin, is the success of the internship also maybe a hope of getting to talk with your parents again? Or maybe I am out of line for asking then it´s fine to ignore this question.

i think me saying that was my want for happiness. its that primordial feeling inside of me to want to be happy again. but i dont have the motivation or dedication to do whats considered going in the right direction. I'd consider it thinking out loud, when i said that. then again i my brain fucking sucks so who knows why i mentioned it. i definitly dont want to do anything extreme like some examples you quoted from other people. a happy last few weeks of fantasy for me would probs just either be getting to lay in bed for as long as i want un-inturupted, or (this sounds terrible i know) having some guy take me in as his for as long as he wants me, and throwing me away once he gets bored. atleast i'd feel wanted up untill the end.

I know what you mean, currently I am in fact trying to do the things that is considered going in the right direction but it´s so hard, usually I get burned out pretty quickly so I have tried many times and failed it feels sometimes meaningless because yeah I feel a bit better when trying again but even worse when I fail for the hundred time and yet here I am trying to better myself again.

I also get the need for feeling wanted till the end, I miss that feeling and as bad as it sounds it would be nice to have someone who is not family like a girlfriend missing me, because hardly anyone would miss me and no one at all outside of family, whereas if I had ctb even in my late teens a lot of people would´ve missed me which felt good to fantasize about despite how narcissistic it sounds.

 

[deepocean]

It won't work. If you wait for that long. It means you don't even want to. I know because I've been doing the same. I've changed my thoughts now I'll ctb the moment I see a chance.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Hmmmm seems you're in a tricky situation. Part of you wants to CTB and the other part wants you to see if things could get better? I'm in the same position. My SN is on the way so I'm in a fortunate position where I can take it and be gone quickly when I decide to do so. When it's my time. However, like you I want to wait a little while to see if things get better. To see if life gets better. There's no rush and no judgement in changing your mind. It seems you have a good opportunity that you're enjoying at the moment. Usually CTB is an in the moment despair thing. My birth dad did it and I had an NDE years ago from doing it. I've tried many times since. You are free to CTB whenever you want but if you want to change your mind or wait to see if things get better that is totally fine too. Sometimes it's rains before you see the rainbow. So it's totally up to you. I'm just waiting to see if things get better. I'm actually waiting on a decision about something important in my life.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

Yeah if the internship is the only thing that brings you any form of joy then I understand why you want to hold onto it, we all need something to enjoy in life to enjoy I myself am trying to get into hobbies but it´s hard if not impossible with anhedonia.
I am also sorry to hear about your relationship with your family that is sad, family should be there for people through thick and thin, is the success of the internship also maybe a hope of getting to talk with your parents again? Or maybe I am out of line for asking then it´s fine to ignore this question.

nah you're not out of line for asking that, i hope it does bring give me a chance to get them to come back, but i highly doubt it. they knew what my plans where months a ago related to my internship and they never were phased by it. it was always impossible to do anything to make them proud.

I know what you mean, currently I am in fact trying to do the things that is considered going in the right direction but it´s so hard, usually I get burned out pretty quickly so I have tried many times and failed it feels sometimes meaningless because yeah I feel a bit better when trying again but even worse when I fail for the hundred time and yet here I am trying to better myself again.

I also get the need for feeling wanted till the end, I miss that feeling and as bad as it sounds it would be nice to have someone who is not family like a girlfriend missing me, because hardly anyone would miss me and no one at all outside of family, whereas if I had ctb even in my late teens a lot of people would´ve missed me which felt good to fantasize about despite how narcissistic it sounds.

Yeah its been really difficult keeping any sembliance of direction. it feels like one day im running in the right direction, then not even 12 hours later im taking a plane two times the distance backwards again. I do hope you can get the outcome you want. getting back up after falling, and doing it untill theres nothing left to get back up, thats the life right now.

And I do get that feeling, wanting to have left at a point where people would've missed you. I've fantasized about it before too.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

nah you're not out of line for asking that, i hope it does bring give me a chance to get them to come back, but i highly doubt it. they knew what my plans where months a ago related to my internship and they never were phased by it. it was always impossible to do anything to make them proud.

I´m sorry to hear that, I sometimes wonder about parents like that usually after watching documentaries or hearing stories about parents that completely cut off contact or look down on their children who aren´t living up to their expectations it makes me wonder have they really not imagined all possible scenarios of the outcome of their childrens future before having them like what if they are healthy and still go down the wrong path being a drug addict or not taking school, job all that crap seriously because they want to party etc. or maybe they are just lazy, or maybe just maybe their children might have mental illnesses that doesn´t make life as easy as theirs was maybe even unbearable for the child, there are hundreds of scenarios and dozens of very common ones people face in life and it baffles me if parents never thought that through but again maybe it´s because I overthink everything and normal people only see what is right in front of them e.g. they want to have children for them so they can experience that journey of parenthood and probably don´t think their children will fall off the path of life.


Anyways this is not a rant on your parents in particular the situation just made me think about it maybe because my parents have been with me through thick and thin and if I had a child which I never will but if I did I would imagine I´d love them as much as I love my parents and I can´t understand why some people parents can just cut off their bond over something so small, in your case it even sounds like you are actively doing something like you got an internship which not everyone gets so that must mean you are somewhat competent at least more than anyone else who applied and certainly way more than my disabled ass.

Yeah its been really difficult keeping any sembliance of direction. it feels like one day im running in the right direction, then not even 12 hours later im taking a plane two times the distance backwards again. I do hope you can get the outcome you want. getting back up after falling, and doing it untill theres nothing left to get back up, thats the life right now.

And I do get that feeling, wanting to have left at a point where people would've missed you. I've fantasized about it before too.

I do the same but I hope this time I will keep on track for once and I just try to focus on doing better each day even if it´s just folding some laundry or like yesterday I got my old PS2 plugged in so I am just focusing on the very small stuff atm compared to the big things other people have going on in life.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

I´m sorry to hear that, I sometimes wonder about parents like that usually after watching documentaries or hearing stories about parents that completely cut off contact or look down on their children who aren´t living up to their expectations it makes me wonder have they really not imagined all possible scenarios of the outcome of their childrens future before having them like what if they are healthy and still go down the wrong path being a drug addict or not taking school, job all that crap seriously because they want to party etc. or maybe they are just lazy, or maybe just maybe their children might have mental illnesses that doesn´t make life as easy as theirs was maybe even unbearable for the child, there are hundreds of scenarios and dozens of very common ones people face in life and it baffles me if parents never thought that through but again maybe it´s because I overthink everything and normal people only see what is right in front of them e.g. they want to have children for them so they can experience that journey of parenthood and probably don´t think their children will fall off the path of life.


Anyways this is not a rant on your parents in particular the situation just made me think about it maybe because my parents have been with me through thick and thin and if I had a child which I never will but if I did I would imagine I´d love them as much as I love my parents and I can´t understand why some people parents can just cut off their bond over something so small, in your case it even sounds like you are actively doing something like you got an internship which not everyone gets so that must mean you are somewhat competent at least more than anyone else who applied and certainly way more than my disabled ass.

It baffles me too. ive never big a huge party child. my autistic asss just had a massive amount of trouble with making friends and burnout. i was a prodigy when i was a kid, excelling in every class. but then when highschool came around i kinda just ploped on the floor and (figuratively) died. so maybe was set with high expectations, and when i started disapointing, it was considered 10x worse than in any other situation. I'm always in my own head too, and extremley self aware, when i went to therapy and told my therapist exactly what my problems were, they didnt understand why i didnt just "fix them".

it feels like sometimes some parents, as much as they want to be parents, arent ready, or able to take the responsibility of taking care of a kid. Nothing i do will get their attention anymore it feels like, i've just given up now. Who knows, maybe i will be better off without them, they only made everything worse.

I do the same but I hope this time I will keep on track for once and I just try to focus on doing better each day even if it´s just folding some laundry or like yesterday I got my old PS2 plugged in so I am just focusing on the very small stuff atm compared to the big things other people have going on in life.

you should play some GTA San Andreas for me, if you got it! <3

 

[Trav1989]

If you truly desire to CTB why even bother with all that excess? I'm planning on CTB within a month after I get my SN in the mail. I'm going to get my affairs in order and then do it, simple as that.

Already quit my job after saving up enough money to make it until then and severed ties with everyone but my parents at this point, quit my job I've had for over half a decade after saving up enough money to last the month, and written (most of) my final letters to be found on my person.

When I was still undecided about my desire to CTB I put effort in and tried my hardest to make things work with people I cared about but once that failed I kind of just said "screw it" and made my plans to end things after ordering my SN. I have about a week to go at most until my SN arrives then I'll be ready on the first week of October.

When I say I put a lot of effort into wanting to NOT end things I mean it. And after months of trial and constant error (usually not on my part) there just isn't anything tethering me to this existence anymore.

At this point my life is on maintenance mode until it's eventual shutdown and I couldn't be more content with that as my life is simpler than ever. I did have the desire for one last sexual romp but that doesn't seem like it's going to come to fruition so I'm okay with that.

I just can't fathom waiting 6 months knowing that I'm going to CTB anyways, I've waited nearly one month now since making my decision and it's felt like an eternity.

Maybe you don't really desire that path?

 

[Bitchophrenic]

When I say I put a lot of effort into wanting to NOT end things I mean it. And after months of trial and constant error (usually not on my part) there just isn't anything tethering me to this existence anymore.

At this point my life is on maintenance mode until it's eventual shutdown and I couldn't be more content with that as my life is simpler than ever. I did have the desire for one last sexual romp but that doesn't seem like it's going to come to fruition so I'm okay with that.

I just can't fathom waiting 6 months knowing that I'm going to CTB anyways, I've waited nearly one month now since making my decision and it's felt like an eternity.

Maybe you don't really desire that path?

I'd say me waiting the 6 months would be my version of "putting effort into wanting to NOT end things" its my last ditch effort into seeing if maybe, just maybe i might be better off in the end staying off or going onto that bus. But hey, thats what this whole thread was about in the first place, if its worth waiting the 6 months or not.

 

[Trav1989]

I'd say me waiting the 6 months would be my version of "putting effort into wanting to NOT end things" its my last ditch effort into seeing if maybe, just maybe i might be better off in the end staying off or going onto that bus. But hey, thats what this whole thread was about in the first place, if its worth waiting the 6 months or not.

I completely understand and hope things go better for you than they did for me, I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart.

To be fair I "spectated" for too long prior to taking action and it's impossible to fix a dozen burnt bridges without the necessary tools and supplies and when your partner who was there for you decided to quit the job and your all alone you have no morale left to even show up yourself.

Regardless, I tried and failed and now I'm left as a shell of my former self who knows they will never even remotely resemble who they once were when hope was taken for granted and in large supply.

No matter what path you choose I wish you the best

 

[TheGoodGuy]

It baffles me too. ive never big a huge party child. my autistic asss just had a massive amount of trouble with making friends and burnout. i was a prodigy when i was a kid, excelling in every class. but then when highschool came around i kinda just ploped on the floor and (figuratively) died. so maybe was set with high expectations, and when i started disapointing, it was considered 10x worse than in any other situation. I'm always in my own head too, and extremley self aware, when i went to therapy and told my therapist exactly what my problems were, they didnt understand why i didnt just "fix them".

It makes a bit more sense why your parents expects more from you if you did so well but I don´t understand why they don´t wanna talk to you anymore, they must know of your autism and understand how difficult that makes life? And sounds like a bad therapist if they don´t even understand why autist can´t just fix their problems.

you should play some GTA San Andreas for me, if you got it! <3

Very good game, but unfortunately not, I never played it on console only on PC I even played it a few years ago again after completing GTA Vice City which is my favorite GTA of all time. I did however earlier today order Kingdom Hearts so I really hope playing that by playing that it will overcome my anhedonia so I can have fun with that.

 

[MountainMan99]

It won't work. If you wait for that long. It means you don't even want to. I know because I've been doing the same. I've changed my thoughts now I'll ctb the moment I see a chance.

I disagree. Wanting to CTB doesn't mean you have to be impatient, and 6 months is not even that long.

You can want to ctb but still not be desperate to do right now, especially if you still got stuff to do in life before you go.

It can totally work, and it might be even better, because 6 months is enough time for you to reflect on your decision of CTB, and then you will be sure if you truly want it or not, if you're not yet.

 

[peope_dont_change]

I have an internship at a law frim for the next 6 months and i feel as if i dont really have a choice but to wait untill its over to CTB. I just started it, and i do like it so i wanna do it, so thats whats made me so conflicted. I've had to go through enough, and hell its gonna be a really busy 6 months because of this internship, and i have a feeling im going to get burnt out before its over. I dont know what to do if not wait. Does anyone have any guidance or ideas on how i should go forward with this all? should i just keep going untill i get burnt out? thing is, if i do, than thats not really a life that was worth living. i just dont want to have the last time-peirod of my life to be boring, depressing and exhausting.

I feel jealous you just have to wait months I have to wait for decades.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

It makes a bit more sense why your parents expects more from you if you did so well but I don´t understand why they don´t wanna talk to you anymore, they must know of your autism and understand how difficult that makes life? And sounds like a bad therapist if they don´t even understand why autist can´t just fix their problems.

I actually did talk to my mom extensively about wanting to get diagnosed officially around the age of 11ish (I don't remember exactly when) but she refused because she insisted I'm not "like them". when I hit 16 I got another adult that I'm close too to set up the stuff for me, and that's when I got diagnosed medically. And as for my therapist, I genuinely don't know, it angers me to the core. I told her what feels like 3 weeks ago that I've been self-harming constantly and been getting worse, but starting again school might help. And she goes "yeahhhh then in that case I'll book an appointment for 3 weeks from now and see how you are then". I was so angry, and it still hasn't happened, I'm convinced she straight up forgot about it. I'm scared to send an email to her, but I know I should soon enough.

Very good game, but unfortunately not, I never played it on console only on PC I even played it a few years ago again after completing GTA Vice City which is my favorite GTA of all time. I did however earlier today order Kingdom Hearts so I really hope playing that by playing that it will overcome my anhedonia so I can have fun with that.

OMG KIGDOM HEARTS YASSSSS!! I hope it helps you overcome your anhedonia too, it's a really great game, so if any game can help you overcome it, it would be Kingdom Hearts

I feel jealous you just have to wait months I have to wait for decades.

Decades?!? Omg why do you have to wait so long? my deepest condolences.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I actually did talk to my mom extensively about wanting to get diagnosed officially around the age of 11ish (I don't remember exactly when) but she refused because she insisted I'm not "like them". when I hit 16 I got another adult that I'm close too to set up the stuff for me, and that's when I got diagnosed medically. And as for my therapist, I genuinely don't know, it angers me to the core. I told her what feels like 3 weeks ago that I've been self-harming constantly and been getting worse, but starting again school might help. And she goes "yeahhhh then in that case I'll book an appointment for 3 weeks from now and see how you are then". I was so angry, and it still hasn't happened, I'm convinced she straight up forgot about it. I'm scared to send an email to her, but I know I should soon enough.

Damn it sounds like they don´t take you seriously at all not even when it comes to self-harm and it´s your therapist.

OMG KIGDOM HEARTS YASSSSS!! I hope it helps you overcome your anhedonia too, it's a really great game, so if any game can help you overcome it, it would be Kingdom Hearts

That is what I was hoping for, unfortunately I ordered the wrong one Kingdom Hearts 2 which I would need eventually anyways at least if I enjoy the first one again. But even worse is the graphics look shit on my 4k TV with the cheap HDMI adapter and the really good ones cost 330$ which is around what the PS2 cost when we bought it for new but hey if it ends up improving my anhedonia then I guess it´s worth saving up for.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

Damn it sounds like they don´t take you seriously at all not even when it comes to self-harm and it´s your therapist.

Yeah. Tell me about it, imagine how i feel. nobody really ever listens to anything i have to say like, ever, unfortnatley.

That is what I was hoping for, unfortunately I ordered the wrong one Kingdom Hearts 2 which I would need eventually anyways at least if I enjoy the first one again. But even worse is the graphics look shit on my 4k TV with the cheap HDMI adapter and the really good ones cost 330$ which is around what the PS2 cost when we bought it for new but hey if it ends up improving my anhedonia then I guess it´s worth saving up for.

Nooo omg, i didnt know a HDMI cord can cost up to 330$ thats insane! this better improve your anhedonia I cant imagine how annoying finding that out was.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Nooo omg, i didnt know a HDMI cord can cost up to 330$ thats insane! this better improve your anhedonia I cant imagine how annoying finding that out was.

And they charge 65$ for shipping so in total it will be 395$ that is crazy it´s more than the PS2 cost at launch. And there are cheaper types but they have some issues and if there is a chance these games will help with my anhedonia I need to make it look right because if I keep getting distracted by bad graphics then it will ruin any chance of a good experience. And yes it was very annoying to find out since I thought the cheap 15$ adapter was enough so this sucks or if I happen to have fun then I can accept it as a one time big investment in feeling better but otherwise ouch that is a lot of money for what if.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

And they charge 65$ for shipping so in total it will be 395$ that is crazy it´s more than the PS2 cost at launch. And there are cheaper types but they have some issues and if there is a chance these games will help with my anhedonia I need to make it look right because if I keep getting distracted by bad graphics then it will ruin any chance of a good experience. And yes it was very annoying to find out since I thought the cheap 15$ adapter was enough so this sucks or if I happen to have fun then I can accept it as a one time big investment in feeling better but otherwise ouch that is a lot of money for what if.

gosh i hope it is a good investment, that 400 DOLLAR HDMI cord better let you see every possible colour to ever exist, then on top of that give you cheats or something becuase god damn thats a lot of money. And like, that 65$ shipping isint from like Amazon is it?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

gosh i hope it is a good investment, that 400 DOLLAR HDMI cord better let you see every possible colour to ever exist, then on top of that give you cheats or something becuase god damn thats a lot of money. And like, that 65$ shipping isint from like Amazon is it?

No I think it´s a private company that are known for making video scaling hardware and has a very good reputation for the products it´s only the price that are the downside and this is only the second best option the most expensive one that goes up to 4K costs 750$ + of course the 65$ shipping so over 800$ nope that is too much and I don´t need that one.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

No I think it´s a private company that are known for making video scaling hardware and has a very good reputation for the products it´s only the price that are the downside and this is only the second best option the most expensive one that goes up to 4K costs 750$ + of course the 65$ shipping so over 800$ nope that is too much and I don´t need that one.

ohhhh that makes a lot more sense. i honestly cant imagine anyone spending upwards of 800$ for just an HDMI cable holy moly. It doesent even feel like our eyes would be able to process the difference between a normal HDMI cable vs an 800$ one.
Also, my apologies for taking a bit to respond, i've been so low on energy latley its crazy.