Venting I want to CTB but can't bring myself to pull the trigger

[Archer]

(Some backstory)
About 2 years ago I started feeling sort of numb and just didn't really want to go on or care about life as much anymore I gave up on just about everything I dropped out of school, stopped eating, stopped talking to people even family, I eventually ran away from my parents home which was very emotionally and mentally abusive, I barely made it 10 miles away from "home" before I was found and the police showed up, the whole time I didn't say a word and just stared into the the concrete eventually the police just left and I guess didn't really care that much anyways my grandparents came to pick me up and I started living at their house. Fast forward a few months I figured my grandfather would likely own a gun of sorts so I went into his room one day when they were not home and found a shotgun hidden behind a dresser in a case, I was very happy to find it I checked the chamber and it had shells in it already I then took it into the bathroom and aimed it at my head for about 3-5 minutes before I finally put my finger on the trigger but I couldn't pull it I wanted to die yet I was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger I probably sat there for another hour with the gun in my hands before putting it back in its case and right where I found it. Once I put it away I went to my room and cried more than I have cried in years which at that time was already really hard to make myself cry for how numb I was anyways every few weeks or months I would take out the gun to see if I would find the strength to do it but I never could do it.

I don't know why I can't do it exactly is it because it's a gun maybe I would be able to go through with it if I had a different method I do not know.

 

[darkythoughts876]

Why dont you try to hang yourself instead?

 

[Archer]

Why dont you try to hang yourself instead?

I'm worried about possibly failing or being found I'm not too keen on the chance of becoming a vegetable.
If anything I want to try the Exit Bag method it seems pretty easy and not painful I just need to be able to buy the stuff I need and be able to get the stuff without my grandparents seeing it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think the fact is that it's not easy to go through with suicide as after all, one has to overcome the survival instinct in order to succeed. The gun method does sound quite brutal to me personally, and I also fear the hanging method, I hate how it's this difficult to die but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Hugh Class]

I have fentanyl... carbolic acid.... lime sulfer and toilet bowl cleaner to make poison gas... i have a .45 pistol....

I just cant get myself to pull the trigger...yet.... i want to live!!! But i lost everything..... and a big nasty recession is starting... making my situation truly hopeless.

Soon....im gonna pull the trigger on this...and be done with this horrible life.

 

[darkythoughts876]

I have fentanyl... carbolic acid.... lime sulfer and toilet bowl cleaner to make poison gas... i have a .45 pistol....

I just cant get myself to pull the trigger...yet.... i want to live!!! But i lost everything..... and a big nasty recession is starting... making my situation truly hopeless.

Soon....im gonna pull the trigger on this...and be done with this horrible life.

Trying to get over yout survival instinct is hard, but hopefully youll be able to ctb, if you still survive, let us know

 

[Huntfish34]

I Know exactly what you mean, in that situation myself basically.... Have 3 guns ready to choose from and I Still can't manage the strength or courage to pull the Fckn trigger.

Remember, you are not alone. I wish you Nothing but the best in whatever may happen.

Godspeed -

 

[Linda]

(Some backstory)
About 2 years ago I started feeling sort of numb and just didn't really want to go on or care about life as much anymore I gave up on just about everything I dropped out of school, stopped eating, stopped talking to people even family, I eventually ran away from my parents home which was very emotionally and mentally abusive, I barely made it 10 miles away from "home" before I was found and the police showed up, the whole time I didn't say a word and just stared into the the concrete eventually the police just left and I guess didn't really care that much anyways my grandparents came to pick me up and I started living at their house. Fast forward a few months I figured my grandfather would likely own a gun of sorts so I went into his room one day when they were not home and found a shotgun hidden behind a dresser in a case, I was very happy to find it I checked the chamber and it had shells in it already I then took it into the bathroom and aimed it at my head for about 3-5 minutes before I finally put my finger on the trigger but I couldn't pull it I wanted to die yet I was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger I probably sat there for another hour with the gun in my hands before putting it back in its case and right where I found it. Once I put it away I went to my room and cried more than I have cried in years which at that time was already really hard to make myself cry for how numb I was anyways every few weeks or months I would take out the gun to see if I would find the strength to do it but I never could do it.

I don't know why I can't do it exactly is it because it's a gun maybe I would be able to go through with it if I had a different method I do not know.

There is something missing from your story. WHY did you "start feeling sort of numb". If somthing like that comes on suddenly there must be a cause. If you don't already know the cause, there might be some underlying medical problem, perhaps one that is easily fixed.

 

[Hugh Class]

There is something missing from your story. WHY did you "start feeling sort of numb". If somthing like that comes on suddenly there must be a cause. If you don't already know the cause, there might be some underlying medical problem, perhaps one that is easily fixed.

There is a reason....i will share in a separate post. I lost everything at the age of 50 to my wife of 10 years who scammed me out of everything.

 

[Linda]

There is a reason....i will share in a separate post. I lost everything at the age of 50 to my wife of 10 years who scammed me out of everything.

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's diffiult to make a fresh start at age 50.

 

[Hugh Class]

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's diffiult to make a fresh start at age 50.

Yes... that's right. I no longer have a home...no car....very little money... and looking at spending the rest of my life on the streets of LA....slowly turning into a garbage eating zombie covered in filth. I cannot live like that. Its better to be dead.

 

[starrvingstar]

you are not a pussy, we all struggle every single day and yet don't act on our thoughts.

 

[Linda]

Yes... that's right. I no longer have a home...no car....very little money... and looking at spending the rest of my life on the streets of LA....slowly turning into a garbage eating zombie covered in filth. I cannot live like that. Its better to be dead.

Whatever decision you make, it hope it works out for you.

 

[Archer]

There is something missing from your story. WHY did you "start feeling sort of numb". If somthing like that comes on suddenly there must be a cause. If you don't already know the cause, there might be some underlying medical problem, perhaps one that is easily fixed.

I wasn't fully intending on this post being about story I just wanted people to understand some how I got here. But anyways I guess the reason why I started to feel numb is because of my parents well my father never really talked to me much in my life but my mother was very emotionally abusive and narcissistic every single day of my life living with her I would get yelled at about literally anything she could find to yell at me about she would always say I couldn't do anything right. Anytime I would do any kind of chore like mowing the yard or washing dishes etc she would always say that I wasn't "doing it good enough", in her eyes I was useless because I never got up to her expectations. After years of dealing with it I guess I subconsciously started to believe it, that I couldn't do anything right that I was useless and would never amount to anything in life I eventually just gave up and couldn't take it anymore so I ran away and now I live with my grandparents which are very nice to me but still for some reason I don't feel any better than I did living with my parents and even though I have about everything I could ask for living with my grandparents I still just want to run away and never look back I wish I could just start over and maybe try to forget everything, but I know I cannot do that as do not have enough money to do so. And I often think to myself If I did have the money and I was able to leave forever would I feel any better? or would it hurt even more..

 

[Linda]

I wasn't fully intending on this post being about story I just wanted people to understand some how I got here. But anyways I guess the reason why I started to feel numb is because of my parents well my father never really talked to me much in my life but my mother was very emotionally abusive and narcissistic every single day of my life living with her I would get yelled at about literally anything she could find to yell at me about she would always say I couldn't do anything right. Anytime I would do any kind of chore like mowing the yard or washing dishes etc she would always say that I wasn't "doing it good enough", in her eyes I was useless because I never got up to her expectations. After years of dealing with it I guess I subconsciously started to believe it, that I couldn't do anything right that I was useless and would never amount to anything in life I eventually just gave up and couldn't take it anymore so I ran away and now I live with my grandparents which are very nice to me but still for some reason I don't feel any better than I did living with my parents and even though I have about everything I could ask for living with my grandparents I still just want to run away and never look back I wish I could just start over and maybe try to forget everything, but I know I cannot do that as do not have enough money to do so. And I often think to myself If I did have the money and I was able to leave forever would I feel any better? or would it hurt even more..

When people, especially people close to you, tell you something repeatedly, you eventually start to believe them. Even when what they are saying is complete nonsense. It can be hard to reverse the damage. I'm no psychologist, so don't put too much weight on what I suggest, but have you considered taking on a few tasks that are well within your ability. Do them well, and demonstrate to yourself that you can do things well. Start small, but then gradually attempt more demanding things. That's probably what I would do if I was in your situation and didn't want to ctb. You need to build up your own confidence and your own sense of self-worth. It will take time, and you may not be able to make a perfect recovery, but I think you can get out of the dark place you are in now. And if you try, but fail, you still have the option to ctb.