Venting I want to be with him again, but...

[Girl-shaped Wound]

I really don't know what to do, and there is nobody IRL that I can honestly talk to about this… for many reasons.

~2 months ago, I lost a person that I've come to mutually love to CTB. He was suffering terribly, so he could not stay longer for me. I wanted to go either before or with him, but was forbidden (he was terrified of surviving me). Well, his attempt went exactly as it was supposed to… Before he went away, he asked me to finish a certain art project before I CTB – of course, only if I can. Now I'm stuck here all alone and torn between fulfilling his dying wish and joining him ASAP. He promised to wait for me on the other side (well, if there is something awaiting us all).

After his death, it took me 3 weeks to decide to live in order to write. But now I ran into a creative wall (the same one that has been stopping me for years). I am not sure if I am good enough to ever be able to complete this goddamn novel… And if I am not writing, why am I even here?

Long before I knew him, I became an empty husk of myself. Now it's like I've become a hollow shell so that his spirit can live inside me. But you know what? Like all the other pretty words I can tell myself to make his death sting a bit less for a moment, it's a thin comfort.
No metaphor, ritual, or belief can compare to him actually being here with me.

And more than anything else, I want to be with him again.
Death is my one and only chance for that.

I am well aware that there may be no afterlife at all, but in that case A) I will still achieve my goal, because I will never experience being without him again, B) through my bare intent, I will be with him – if only symbolically, C) at the very least, I will check out of existence in a world that has destroyed him, D) …and that expects me to just go on and love another person like he never existed.


At the same time, I really would like to fulfill his wish and dedicate the story to him. Ideally, I would check out after I (self-)publish a second project, directly inspired by him. I think that it would be quite beautiful if I became the best version of myself for and because of the one I love.
But all of this requires precious time, and every day without him is insufferable. Oh, and some talent/skill as well! Which I'm not sure if I possess at all...

I am deeply scared of sliding into mediocrity. Not being able to write and not being able to CTB, just living an empty and meaningless life until I kick the bucket as an old fart... All because I am a coward unable to take a stand for what I believe in!

I'm on a sick leave so I have a lot of time to write… but I feel like shit and so I can't. Even writing those words was a struggle, and usually I'm quite verbose.

I have a slight hope that ADHD pills will help me out a bit, but I am not exactly optimistic. In fact, I am so goddamn lost and scared.

Thank you for reading <3 If I may request, please don't offer me any platitudes. I know that it is good that he is no longer suffering. I also know that the most beautiful soul in the world may no longer exist in any form; that I will not find him anywhere, no matter how far I crawl and how close to the bone I scrape my knees; and that I am forever in love with a ghost of a person for whom I made a big difference, but not enough to change his fate.
Life is cruel and completely incomprehensible.

Jesus Christ, oh Jesus Christ, why is love so lonely?
Why is love so lonely?

 

[jodes2]

It's only been 2 months, you need time to heal, then maybe things will be a bit easier. I'm sorry you don't want to try to find someone else. Sorry you want to CTB

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

It's only been 2 months, you need time to heal, then maybe things will be a bit easier. I'm sorry you don't want to try to find someone else. Sorry you want to CTB

Thank you :') I wanted to go even before that. Which is why I'm not interested in living anymore. I would like to leave at the best moment, though.
And I'm really worried about SI fucking everything up for me, as always. I do not want to live ashamed anymore.

 

[jodes2]

Thank you :') I wanted to go even before that. Which is why I'm not interested in living anymore. I would like to leave at the best moment, though.
And I'm really worried about SI fucking everything up for me, as always. I do not want to live ashamed anymore.

Yeah, SI is a bitch on so many levels. Well, you'll be missed

 

[Forever Sleep]

Now it's like I've become a hollow shell so that his spirit can live inside me. But you know what? Like all the other pretty words I can tell myself to make his death sting a bit less for a moment, it's a thin comfort.
No metaphor, ritual, or belief can compare to him actually being here with me.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I admire you that you understand that life had become too difficult for him to stay- so you don't seem to feel bitterness towards him.

Your above paragraph really hit home for me. I lost my Mum when I was 3. My Dad quite often used to and still does say things like 'You remind me so much of her. You say you don't remember her but as so much of her is in you- that must be a comfort'... but it isn't. Of course, it does depend on your belief system but I don't feel some magical connection. I don't feel like I'm being lovingly watched over, I don't feel like she's living 'through' me. My Dad will say things like 'she would be so proud of you' which of course- is beautiful. But it's no comfort to me. Ultimately, she isn't here in any form. I guess it would be a comfort to believe that she was but it's not like actually knowing someone, loving them and supporting one another. I guess I really wanted to (selfishly) say I really resonated with that part of your post.

It's so hard to say where life will take any of us. I guess if the pain doesn't eventually drive us to CTB, a whole multitude of paths are still there. All I would say is- while I think it's beautiful that you want to create this artistic work- almost in honour of his life and what he meant to you- fundamentally it's clear that you loved one another. He would love you whether you finish the novel or not. Whether it is a success or not- it's such a cliche but I believe our loved ones do genuinely want us to be happy. I wonder if he suggested it as a way of you coping with what is a very difficult time.

All I'm trying to say (badly) is- be kind to yourself. Don't put a load of pressure on yourself. I suppose- do what feels right in your heart- not what you feel you should do. I wish you all the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is a very cruel existence, in fact the world that we live in is filled with endless cruelty. It must be painful and hard to deal with what you are going through but I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Mr_House]

Do you need assistance writing the book? Maybe I could help out and be a co-writer, if that's okay with you though - I completely understand if you say no given the sensitive nature of the art project, I hope you too meet up in the end after successful publishing, Good luck with the book and stay strong my Freind.

- @Mr_House

 

[aladdin]

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is probably not what you were hoping to hear, but I really don't think you should ctb over other people, no matter how much you loved them. If you're determined to ctb, do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Did you at least know this person irl? Are they really worth ending your life for? I'm not trying to save you, but I think you should reconsider your decision since it's only been 2 months, which is obviously not enough time to heal. Coping with the loss of someone you love is never easy.

I hope you don't end up regretting whatever choice you make, and I truly hope that you find the answer you're looking for. Good luck!

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

Yeah, SI is a bitch on so many levels. Well, you'll be missed

And you as well! I see that you are going w/ SN too... I hope that you will find peace
I'm looking for ways to desensitize myself to the process. I guess I should finally open my bottle and prepare the drink for the first time.

Your above paragraph really hit home for me. I lost my Mum when I was 3. My Dad quite often used to and still does say things like 'You remind me so much of her. You say you don't remember her but as so much of her is in you- that must be a comfort'... but it isn't. Of course, it does depend on your belief system but I don't feel some magical connection. I don't feel like I'm being lovingly watched over, I don't feel like she's living 'through' me. My Dad will say things like 'she would be so proud of you' which of course- is beautiful. But it's no comfort to me. Ultimately, she isn't here in any form. I guess it would be a comfort to believe that she was but it's not like actually knowing someone, loving them and supporting one another. I guess I really wanted to (selfishly) say I really resonated with that part of your post.

Thank you for your thoughtful words and kindness… ;____; Nothing about your post was selfish!! In fact, I am glad that someone else had some use out of it...
I am so, so sorry for your loss. No child should lose their parents! I imagine it must be a great comfort for your dad to see pieces of her in you, but it's completely different when you did not get to know her. It may be nice to hear that you are similar in some way, but I imagine it's something that you need to take a word on. I've lost my grandfather when I was 2, so I also don't remember him. And it breaks my heart, because he loved me a lot. I know what you mean about not feeling their presence Fuck, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better....

Sometimes I feel his presence, sometimes I don't. I'm well aware that I see what I want to see. I don't care, though. If I could make myself hallucinate his presence, I would haha. I do think that we are tied together for all eternity, though.

I appreciate your thoughtful words. I know that I shouldn't put pressure on myself… but it's so hard! I guess it's nice that I care about something – anything – at all, because I didn't in the past year. I just don't want to live a purposeless life as a coward, and I'm pretty much done with everything otherwise. I do not want to live and do not see a reason to keep going. Future holds no interest to me.

He definitely tried to comfort me and give me a reason to not completely fall apart right until the need. It's truly bizarre when the dying comforts the living. Heartbreaking, too.

There is also another reason why I want to continue our story in that way. I want to make something out of it and I need to express our connection somehow.

It certainly is a very cruel existence, in fact the world that we live in is filled with endless cruelty. It must be painful and hard to deal with what you are going through but I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Thank you so much, you beautiful soul I hope that you will find what you need too!

Do you need assistance writing the book? Maybe I could help out and be a co-writer, if that's okay with you though - I completely understand if you say no given the sensitive nature of the art project, I hope you too meet up in the end after successful publishing, Good luck with the book and stay strong my Freind.

- @Mr_House

Thank you so much! It would be difficult to co-write, but I would love to have someone to talk writing with and, IDK, share the road in a way! Assuming I decide to hang around, of course.
BTW, You have an awesome taste! Love Fallout, SEL and NGE (TV/EoE Rei is my favorite character ever).

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is probably not what you were hoping to hear, but I really don't think you should ctb over other people, no matter how much you loved them. If you're determined to ctb, do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Did you at least know this person irl? Are they really worth ending your life for? I'm not trying to save you, but I think you should reconsider your decision since it's only been 2 months, which is obviously not enough time to heal. Coping with the loss of someone you love is never easy.

I hope you don't end up regretting whatever choice you make, and I truly hope that you find the answer you're looking for. Good luck!

Haha yes, that is one of the reasons why I cannot talk about this with anyone. I appreciate your honesty! I genuinely believe that it could help someone who is not aware that they are mental. I do not need logic or common sense, though. Which is why I won't go to therapy – while it would help with some things, I do not want to be brainwashed with pro-life propaganda and 'you can always start again uwu'.
See, that's the thing, I do not want to heal and I do not want to go on. I stopped being interested in life way before this happened. Only SI kept me here. I even stopped giving a damn about my writing project(s) before he made me do it again.
I really do not see a difference between wanting to die for myself and how I described it in the OP. I mean, he's not forcing me to (quite the opposite). With how strong my SI used to be… If I manage(d) to CTB, it would absolutely be worth it. There are people and connections that are worthy of going to hell for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

And you as well! I see that you are going w/ SN too... I hope that you will find peace
I'm looking for ways to desensitize myself to the process. I guess I should finally open my bottle and prepare the drink for the first time.

Thank you for your thoughtful words and kindness… ;____; Nothing about your post was selfish!! In fact, I am glad that someone else had some use out of it...
I am so, so sorry for your loss. No child should lose their parents! I imagine it must be a great comfort for your dad to see pieces of her in you, but it's completely different when you did not get to know her. It may be nice to hear that you are similar in some way, but I imagine it's something that you need to take a word on. I've lost my grandfather when I was 2, so I also don't remember him. And it breaks my heart, because he loved me a lot. I know what you mean about not feeling their presence Fuck, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better....

Sometimes I feel his presence, sometimes I don't. I'm well aware that I see what I want to see. I don't care, though. If I could make myself hallucinate his presence, I would haha. I do think that we are tied together for all eternity, though.

I appreciate your thoughtful words. I know that I shouldn't put pressure on myself… but it's so hard! I guess it's nice that I care about something – anything – at all, because I didn't in the past year. I just don't want to live a purposeless life as a coward, and I'm pretty much done with everything otherwise. I do not want to live and do not see a reason to keep going. Future holds no interest to me.

He definitely tried to comfort me and give me a reason to not completely fall apart right until the need. It's truly bizarre when the dying comforts the living. Heartbreaking, too.

There is also another reason why I want to continue our story in that way. I want to make something out of it and I need to express our connection somehow.


Thank you so much, you beautiful soul I hope that you will find what you need too!

Thank you so much! It would be difficult to co-write, but I would love to have someone to talk writing with and, IDK, share the road in a way! Assuming I decide to hang around, of course.
BTW, You have an awesome taste! Love Fallout, SEL and NGE (TV/EoE Rei is my favorite character ever).



Haha yes, that is one of the reasons why I cannot talk about this with anyone. I appreciate your honesty! I genuinely believe that it could help someone who is not aware that they are mental. I do not need logic or common sense, though. Which is why I won't go to therapy – while it would help with some things, I do not want to be brainwashed with pro-life propaganda and 'you can always start again uwu'.
See, that's the thing, I do not want to heal and I do not want to go on. I stopped being interested in life way before this happened. Only SI kept me here. I even stopped giving a damn about my writing project(s) before he made me do it again.
I really do not see a difference between wanting to die for myself and how I described it in the OP. I mean, he's not forcing me to (quite the opposite). With how strong my SI used to be… If I manage(d) to CTB, it would absolutely be worth it. There are people and connections that are worthy of going to hell for.

Thank you for your kind and beautiful words too. I was really moved by them.

You will never be a coward no matter the choice you make. Sadly, none of the choices look to be easy.

It isn't delusional to believe he is with you either. None of us actually know afterall and I'm completely with you. I would be happy to talk to the wall if I felt my Mum was there. It's whatever gets us through at the end of the day.

I agree- it is a beautiful thing to create something in memory of someone. A kind of testament to their life. I'm from a creative background also and a project at college was based around memories. I chose my Nana because I have some wonderful memories with her. It did feel quite meaningful to do it.

I hope you can find the strength to carry on with the novel- if it is something you really want. Maybe you just need to give yourself some space for now though- try not to force it. Either way, you are a beautiful soul and I am so heartbroken for your loss. I hope things get easier.

 

[Finding Sirius]

This hits home. I lost the love of my life September 2021, life hasn't been the same since. I've tried 'starting over'. Moved to a new city, tried to meet new people, even did some traveling, nothing worked. It all feels so empty and meaningless. Like a hole that keeps growing.

Like you I have other reasons for wanting to go too. It's so surreal going from being someone's everything to being no one's anything. Everyday I think of what I had and lost. I'm not interested in finding new love either. All this time has taught me is how pointless life is.

I wish you well in whatever you choose OP. May you find peace.

 

[Cathy Ames]

You write beautifully, and if you feel an actual novel is inside you (or any other writing project... do you write poetry?), then I think that is what you need to do. If you've reached a standstill, do some research into what others have done in order to get past temporary blocks, and try some of those things.

Since you started the post with "I don't know what to do," I would not advise catching the bust at this time. Two months is an extremely short amount of time after the death of a loved one.

I am well aware that there may be no afterlife at all, but in that case A) I will still achieve my goal, because I will never experience being without him again, B) through my bare intent, I will be with him – if only symbolically, C) at the very least, I will check out of existence in a world that has destroyed him, D) …and that expects me to just go on and love another person like he never existed.

I think there are some people in the world who expect (or hope) that you will eventually love another person, but I don't think very many of them are imagining that it will be as though he never existed. Yikes. For myself, I think the experience of loving him and being loved by him changed you, and of course the experience of losing him also has changed you and you will never go back to the way you were before. However, the place where you eventually end up might still be quite wonderful.

I think that it would be quite beautiful if I became the best version of myself for and because of the one I love.

Yes, it would. Maybe you can. I think you should try.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

I really like your writing, I think you should try to pursue that novel/these novels. But do not put pressure on yourself, that's not how creative minds work.

Be brave,

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

Thank you for your kind and beautiful words too. I was really moved by them.

You will never be a coward no matter the choice you make. Sadly, none of the choices look to be easy.

It isn't delusional to believe he is with you either. None of us actually know afterall and I'm completely with you. I would be happy to talk to the wall if I felt my Mum was there. It's whatever gets us through at the end of the day.

I agree- it is a beautiful thing to create something in memory of someone. A kind of testament to their life. I'm from a creative background also and a project at college was based around memories. I chose my Nana because I have some wonderful memories with her. It did feel quite meaningful to do it.

I hope you can find the strength to carry on with the novel- if it is something you really want. Maybe you just need to give yourself some space for now though- try not to force it. Either way, you are a beautiful soul and I am so heartbroken for your loss. I hope things get easier.

Thank you so much! You are a beautiful soul as well, and so compassionate ;___;
Your project must have been amazing! I bet your Nana would love it...
I want to share one of my favorite quotes related to missing loved ones:

(emptier, I mean.)​

I am trying to give myself a week to figure out how I feel, while I prepare myself mentally for eventual CTB as well. It's hard to decide. I'm so exhausted and I just don't want to keep going. Except I feel bad about not following his request and my life amounting to fuck all.

The words like 'the night he died', 'his passing', 'deceased' make me want to howl like a mangled animal… I felt like that too when he was talking about himself like he was already dead while still being here.

This hits home. I lost the love of my life September 2021, life hasn't been the same since. I've tried 'starting over'. Moved to a new city, tried to meet new people, even did some traveling, nothing worked. It all feels so empty and meaningless. Like a hole that keeps growing.

Like you I have other reasons for wanting to go too. It's so surreal going from being someone's everything to being no one's anything. Everyday I think of what I had and lost. I'm not interested in finding new love either. All this time has taught me is how pointless life is.

I wish you well in whatever you choose OP. May you find peace.

I am so fucking sorry for your pain. I don't even know what to say... Your pain must be tremendous. The part about the growing hole? About being everything to someone and then nothing? I really felt those. I wish you peace as well, and if you ever want to reach out and talk, I'm here

You write beautifully, and if you feel an actual novel is inside you (or any other writing project... do you write poetry?), then I think that is what you need to do. If you've reached a standstill, do some research into what others have done in order to get past temporary blocks, and try some of those things.

Since you started the post with "I don't know what to do," I would not advise catching the bust at this time. Two months is an extremely short amount of time after the death of a loved one.

I think there are some people in the world who expect (or hope) that you will eventually love another person, but I don't think very many of them are imagining that it will be as though he never existed. Yikes. For myself, I think the experience of loving him and being loved by him changed you, and of course the experience of losing him also has changed you and you will never go back to the way you were before. However, the place where you eventually end up might still be quite wonderful.

Yes, it would. Maybe you can. I think you should try.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much for your kindness ;___: I hate the expectation that I will find someone else. What if I don't want to? Of course, you can't predict everything or stop it from happening, but… I don't like the pressure.
I'm so very exhausted. Many, many years back my mother used to accuse me of 'never looking for positive solutions, only self-destructive ones'. I guess this is the moment when I actually am like this. I don't want to 'get over it' or feel better. I want to see him again, no matter what. And I don't want to struggle with all my mental illness, knowing that every win is temporary, and the nightmare will return.
Unfortunately I don't write poetry (beyond occasional word vomit, which does not follow any structure), but I love it so much!! That and song lyrics.

I really like your writing, I think you should try to pursue that novel/these novels. But do not put pressure on yourself, that's not how creative minds work.

Be brave,

I will do my best ;___; I used to put not enough pressure and it got me stuck. I felt good for a moment when I was intensively coping by learning about plot structure etc., but now I've lost my confidence…

 

[Cathy Ames]

Thank you so much for your kindness ;___: I hate the expectation that I will find someone else. What if I don't want to?

I hate that, too. Of course it isn't a requirement. Anyone implying it is... it could be someone who cares about you and imagines that this is what a person "requires" in order to be recovered and as happy as possible (and they want those things for you). But it's none of their business, and you are entitled to go your own way, as you please. The people who love you will accept that. The people who do no accept that, maybe do not need to be in your life because their opinions don't matter. [I think each of us has maybe 2-4 people (at most) whose opinions actually "matter."]

 

[UnlimitedPain]

That hit close too home so much.

I shedded tears

"I hate the expectation that I will find someone else. What if I don't want too…" that whole reply aswell hit hard

There are differences and similarities but I share your pain

thank you for posting this reading this made me feel for a moment